What I know now,
that I didn't know before:
Accepting your hearts desire is harder than
figuring out what it is.
testimonial Tuesday #9
I’m pretty sure that MOST of the personal conflict in my life over the past 8 or 9 years has had MUCH more to do with the ACCEPTANCE of what I ACTUALLY want, than trying to figure out what that is. The more Rachael and I work together, The more I truly understand that life is not so much about creating who it is that you want to be and showing it off to the world, but it is more about understanding who you already are, and being ok with THAT. A friend of mine said to me recently:
“Figuring out what you want isn’t the hard part.
Figuring out what you want is actually pretty easy, it’s being OK with what you want after you figure it out that's the hard part.”
Amen to that.
Leaving New York and my adolescent dreams of super stardom was not all that hard. It was actually a huge relief. Understanding and acknowledging that I wanted to go back to grad school was/is/has been something that I have known to be true since I was in Undergrad. Moving back to New Mexico so I could be close to my parents AND the mountains is something that I have known would come…eventually…and I knew that it would be a joyous occasion when it finally happened…which it has.
All of those things have been things that I have wanted and looked forward to since the first time I moved to NYC back in 2010. And yet, even though the truth of what I really wanted was waiting for me, just underneath the surface, I sure as hellfire was not ready to admit that I wanted any of it. After all, I had just spent four years as an undergrad in a prestigious Musical Theatre training program, and I had something to prove…I just wasn’t sure what, or to whom. So I moved to New York…three times. And every time, I had one foot out the door. No matter how hard I pulled to try and get that second foot across the threshold, it just wouldn’t budge. And I spent years trying to analyze why and how and what was wrong with me; that I was secretly afraid of success and all of that psychobabble. The truth was that I just didn’t want it. And that was not ok with me. I really wanted to want it, and so I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I did. But, in my heart of hearts, and at the end of every day, I knew the truth. I knew what I wanted, and that wasn’t it.
I still know what I want. I have always known what I wanted. On some level, in some capacity, I have always been totally 100% clear on what it is that I want in this life and who I hope to be in this world.
And so have you.
We may FEAR what we truly want, we may judge ourselves relentlessly for deciding to pass on a life based entirely upon whatever society has deemed us to be great at to instead go off and pursue of our hearts desire; the sure-to-go-pro-baseball player who decides to leave the major leagues behind and pursue a science degree, the straight-A student who falls in love with an Italian shoe salesman and trades in her full-ride scholarship for a free-ride on the back of an Italian motorbike…you get the picture.
The point is, things either feel good, or they don’t. We either want to do them, or we don’t. And that is NOT to say that even after we recognize that we are doing things that we don’t want to do, that we will actually decide to DO something about it, but it IS to say that, on some dropped-in level, we all know the truth. We know what we want, and we know if we are getting it or not.
In my deepest heart of hearts, I have always wanted the same thing; to be a tremendous wife and mother, to have a beautiful family, and to live a life that is filled with service and inspiration. This has been at the core. Not to be a superstar or to have 97 pairs of super expensive shoes, but to spread love to those who wish to receive it, and to receive love in return. Exactly how this will play out is a lifetime in the making. But I am certain that accepting what I actually want is going to bring it to me much quicker than rationalizing why I should want something else.
And you? What do YOU really want?
What do YOU know now,
that you didn’t know before?