What I know now,
that I didn't know before:
Speaking is easy, honesty is hard.
testimonial Tuesday #7
Be honest; how easy is it for you to be honest? To speak your mind? To make the transition between the acceptance of your own honest thoughts-especially when they are a lot different than the ones that you have been spouting for years-, followed by bravely expressing them to the people that you love the most/tolerate/can’t stand? I know that there are people out there who can do this with flawless ease. I am friends with some of them…and every time something wild and bold comes out of their mouth, I find myself gasping in horror while simultaneously thinking the same wild and bold thoughts in my head.
If you ask me, the speaking part is easy. It’s honesty that challenges the plan.
Honesty; words that can either open you up or shut you down…that can expose you to scrutiny, pain and rejection…for me- that part can be incredibly hard. And scary. SO much so, that I have made a career out of keeping secrets (mostly mine) and then swimming through rising levels of anxiety as I continue to bite my tongue…which generally leads to a flood or a drowning. Ie; I break down, and come clean. Following this colossal reveal of hidden thoughts and feelings, I generally find myself in a whole heap of trouble as the person whom I have finally chosen to speak honestly with, either lashes out or feels relatively betrayed; as though the ‘rug’ that has been our relationship -in whatever form- has been pulled out from underneath them.
And it’s all. my. fault.
As I write this, I am remembering the first conversation that I had with Rachael about the purpose and benefits of reiki- how the process is about clearing out emotional and energetic baggage, thus allowing the individual to get clear about who they really are and what they are really made of. I remember originally thinking that this process was going to reveal to me some great secret about myself that I had yet to uncover…some radical truth about who I am and what I am meant to do on the planet. And truth be told, in many respects, it seems to me that everything I had once believed was going to happen is currently playing itself out in my life. However, the process has been one of fluidity, not clear cut answers. It has been a slow removal of the old, in order to discover the new, and as it turns out, the new is not all that new, but rather, it is what has been underneath the whole time. A removal -if you will- of the many fears and old beliefs that I have carried with me, and have kept me from knowing the great big ‘secret of my heart’…the great big secret that is not really a secret… it is a truth. The truth that there is no one inside of me to uncover that has not always existed. I have always been me, I have always been here, and I have always been honest about who I am. I have known the whole time. Life has not changed me, nor have I changed dramatically as the years have gone by. What HAS happened, is that whatever fears have kept me silent, have slowly and gently been dissolved -one at a time- by a kind, patient and encouraging woman (Rachael) with the awareness to know when I am being honest with myself, and when I am not. Hence, why I said Kind of.
The shock and awe that come with revealing our truth is kind of our fault. It is kind of our fault, because we have chosen not to do so up until now. And if we have chosen not to do so, then we have probably been filing in the gap with some other version of who we wish to reveal ourselves to be. So, if we chose to be dis-honest about who we are, and then people are hurt or offended or scared or surprised or __________ when we finally reveal the truth…it is kind of a little bit out fault.
It is kind of also NOT our fault. And it is kind of NOT our fault because who we are has not really changed as much as we have simply chosen to finally reveal the truth. This can suck for people who do not see it coming. This can suck for the hearts that may be broken by our sudden thrash of honesty. This can suck for a lot of people and a lot of reasons…except for one. And it is, by far, the most important reason; you. You are the reason. You finally get to be you, and that does not suck. Fully, honestly, genuinely you. The bitch or the bastard. The child or the parent. The angel or the devil…more than likely, a mixture of all of them. But you get to wear your truth like a badge of honor on your chest, and you never have to give it up. For anyone. If you are already doing so, I commend you. If you wish to do so, I support you (and recommend developing your own spiritual practice…and a lot of conversations with Rachael). And if you are in the process…I am so totally with you.
When was the last time you were TOTALLY honest?
What do YOU know now,
that you didn’t know before?