What I know now,
that I didn't know before:
Everything and nothing at the same time.
testimonial Tuesday #26
I say that, accompanied with a small grain of salt on the side. Sure there are things that I know. But they are not the things that I thought I knew to be true for most of my life, or at least the time before Rachael and I crossed paths. It took us several attempts at working together before the doors finally opened and it was clear to both of us that it was time.
Over the past 2 years, I have bounced from St. Louis to New Mexico to New York to Oregon to New Mexico, and as often as I have needed or wanted her help, Rachael has taught me that who I have really been needing and wanting, has been mySELF.
The last year with Rachael has changed my life. But again, not in a way I would have expected. Everything has changed, and yet nothing seems that different. The course of my life has definitely shifted, but the changes have been completely organic. Perhaps this is because I was and have been following my true path all along, even in the moments when the road got bumpy and I couldn't see where I was going.
Before Rachael, I though that I walking down the wrong road. I wanted her help to 'fix' my course and get me walking in the 'right' direction. Instead, what Rachael has taught me is that life is not about the achievement of our goals or walking the 'right' path but rather, life is about who we discover ourselves to be along the journey.
What I know now that I didn’t know before is, essentially, that I don’t know shit about shit. :-) That the more you know, the more you realize you don't know... Simultaneously, however, this has come with the discovery that everything I need to know to live my fullest life is already within me.
In our time working together, Rachael has put me in touch with my inner voice, and helped me learn its language. She didn’t set my entire life on a new trajectory or fix my problems or lead me to lose 10 pounds (all former goals of mine). Instead, she held a mirror up to what was already there, and after a years worth of work, I can now hold the mirror up for myself. Where there was a girl striving for acceptance, I now see a woman who knows that the only acceptance I have ever been striving for is my own. Where there was a bumbling lack of clear communication, there is now a voice that flows freely and with gargantuan volume. Where there was a suffocating grasp on ‘the plan’, there is now a loose outline with a solid core. A strong core. A core that can take punches and still rise towards the sun. A core that can bend and twist as needed. A core that can hold me up for all of my journey.
The day after my last session with Rachael, I found out that I got into graduate school. Talk about a surprise punch to the gut. Yes, I was anticipating the acceptance or rejection, but -as I have learned over the last year- you never really know how you're going to feel until you are staring into the mouth of the dragon, wondering if it wants to eat you or just carry you around safely from place to place. Acceptance to grad school felt like this. It felt like someone pulled the e-brake on my life; filling me with thrill and terror and ‘what if’s galore, reminding me that life can change directions at any moment.
But what I know now-thanks to Rachael- is also this:
I asked, and the Universe answered. I held an idea, and the Universe gave me its essence. What I thought was going to look one way has shown up looking drastically different. And while I know all of this to be true, I also know that I know nothing about the glory that lies in front of me. I know that even though I never would have imagined this life a year ago, that I have been walking slowly up to this door the entire time, knowing that I desperately wanted to knock, but scared that if I did, someone might answer...and then what?
In the first session I EVER had with Rachael, she mentioned the feeling that there was something else I wanted. Something that I had always wanted to be since I was little, a path that I had always been curious about, but had yet to allow myself to explore. A year later, I'm on it. I am walking down that road, hand in hand with myself, filled with a love and acceptance of this life that I had never experienced before Rachael opened my heart, week after week, session after session.
Because of her, I am free. Free to know what I have always known, and free to walk forward in faith, knowing I just might know nothing at all about what lies ahead, and that that is totally ok, because life is a gift. And, as with any gift, at LEAST half of the fun is in the un-wrapping. In the discovery of what lies underneath.
My work with Rachael has been just that; a steady unwrapping of one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.
A Final Testimonial:
Rachael. Has. Changed. My. Life.
For the good, for the better, and forever.
And despite all that I have written, there will never be words enough to express all that she has shown me to be true about true existence.
Here's to the last 12 months. Here’s to life. And here’s to Tuesday’s.
Thanks for joining the ride. :-)
What do YOU know now,
that you didn't know before?