What I know now,
that I didn't know before:
I will NEVER be skinny… enough.
testimonial Tuesday #21
When Rachael and I first started working together (almost an entire YEAR ago), my general m.o. was as follows:
1. Make big plans.
2. Make sure that they are big enough to garner a lot of admiration for attempting to follow through on trying to achieve them.
3. Simultaneously, trap myself in the cycle of ‘attempting to follow through with those plans’ in a way that keeps me from ever having to actually achieve anything.
4. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Procrastinate while hiding behind the guise of making progress.
And, most importantly, decide that YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THAT WHICH YOU DESIRE UNTIL YOU ACHIEVE THOSE UN-ACHIEVABLE GOALS. After all, happiness is only ten pounds away…and then again…and then again…and then again…and then a contract…and then a certain amount of money in the bank…and then the right job/car/house/boyfriend/clothing/goals/world contributions/volunteer hours/etc.
I can still remember with crystal clarity the moment I revealed to Rachael that it is easier for me to go after things that I don’t really care about, then to go after the things that I do. I was scared, and somewhere in my mind, I figured that if I dedicated myself to the pursuit of things that I was less passionate about, then I was less likely to get hurt when they didn't work out. Between then and now, there has been a major shift. For a long time, our work was about understanding why I had been living and believing the way that I was. Now, our work is about discovering how to live and believe the way that I wish to do so from this point forward.
Most recently, my session with Rachael was about raising my energetic frequency in order to live a life as joyful as the one that I was constantly projecting into my future. We spoke about the reality in which I had been living; one in which the weight of the world was heavy, and it was my job to shoulder the burden. You know, the one which I had been perpetuating for myself. I told her that to feel happy and hopeful felt childish. She told me that it felt childish because the last time I had truly let myself feel that way -and believe it- was when I was a child. I told her that she was right. We laughed. She reminded me that the natural order of the Universe IS one of joy and hope and peace and ease, in which all dreams are worthy of affection, and truly ANYTHING is possible.
It is possible to live life with the joy and exuberance that I wish to possess, and to do it NOW. I do not HAVE to wait until I lose ten pounds or have the right job/car/house/boyfriend/clothing/goals etc. It’s not that I cannot have, do or be any of those things, it’s not even about the things. It’s not about being skinny. It has NEVER been about being skinny. The ‘being skinny’ has just been a metaphor for WAITING until I feel WORTHY of living the life that I desire.
This week, I stopped waiting. This week, it finally hit me: I get to be me. I get to be who I am. Who I have discovered myself to be, MUCH to the credit of my work with Rachael. I get to be the woman that I have discovered underneath everything that Rachael and I have cleared out of my 'emotional closet'. What’s funny is that I never realized -up until this week- that what was underneath all of that crap, was me. IS me. I was never on the outside looking in, but rather, I have always been deep within, trying to get out. And the whole idea of ‘enough’, is simply a ploy to keep me locked up; buried underneath the weight of expectations; both from others, and from myself.
This week, I realized that I will probably never be skinny 'enough'. Because there is never enough- enough. When the goal is external, and the means by which we measure ourselves are not truly born from ourselves, then we can never stack up. This, I have learned repeatedly, time and time again in my life. However, it never sank in, until I started energy work. Until there was enough space cleared with-in that I no longer had to look with-out.
Skinny enough? Compared to whom? And to be deserving of what?
Is a genius un-worthy of his million-dollar idea, simply because he is not a millionaire before he has it?
Should a dreamer stop dreaming once she realizes that all her dreams can come true?
Why would anyone wait to be themselves, ever?
As someone who has waited, all I can tell you is that I am so glad to know that I don’t have to any more.
And neither do you.
What are YOU waiting for?
What do YOU know now,
that you didn't know before?