the idea that to go big, you have to go deep. To feel great amounts of joy and gratitude, you have to be willing to journey into the deepest darkest corners of your own internal house. This is something that I’ve been working on. I have been practicing deeper levels of honesty with myself and with others than I ever have before. So far, what I have found is that in doing so, I am experiencing greater vulnerability (scary scary very scary), greater truth, and greater peace. This week, I realized that no one in the world knows what is better for me than me. When presented with concerns from my mother about potentially pursuing a very expensive graduate degree, (a situation that would generally send me into a tizzy over what my mother or anyone else thinks about what I want to be/should/shouldn’t be doing) I actually felt quite calm. This was mostly due to the fact that I had already addressed those same concerns with myself and knew that I was not willing to put myself into heaps of debt to obtain another degree. But it was MY inner wisdom that had already taken me there. Whether my mother would have said anything or not, I knew that I already had my best interest at heart, and that awareness was a giant point for self-trust in my favor. Another came when she expressed concerns about a friendship of mine with a person who I have a rocky past with. As she expressed her concerns (which I am grateful to her for doing), my response to her was that I TOO had the same concerns, and that I had been processing them with said friend since we had started talking again. Another point for vulnerable honesty. I would not have had these experiences if I weren’t willing to be painfully honest with myself about the fact that I do NOT yet have all the answers that I am looking for, but I DO believe I am headed in the ‘right’ direction, and, that being said, it is STILL TOTALLY POSSIBLE that I could be wrong or make a mistake or get my feelings hurt. This level of honesty has often felt scary for me, simply for the fact that I have felt unsure as to whether or not I am able to handle the truth. MY truth. The true reality of how I feel and what I want compared to what others feel or want for me. Or, rather, compared to what my life currently looks like.
Recently, a dear girlfriend of mine said to me “I would really ask yourself what you’re afraid of.” I replied to her that what I am most scared of -honestly- is doing what I’m doing now; living with my parents, working in a restaurant, and feeling like I don’t understand where my life is going. Except, in my nightmare, all of that goes on forever, and I never get married or have a family, never get my career off the ground, and spend my whole life wondering ‘what might have been’. There was a time, not so long ago, that I would not have even been able to admit that to myself.
Honestly, I know that nothing lasts forever. Honestly, part of me is still scared that it might.
Honestly, what does it mean to YOU to be honest?
What do YOU know now, that you didn't know before?
Have a testimonial you wish to share? Please do so! Feel free to leave it in the comments -or-