What I know now,
that I didn't know before:
It's ok to change your mind.
testimonial Tuesday #15
Here’s the skinny: I have applied for two Graduate Programs at one University. When I arrived home last November, I immediately felt the need to fill the void. To have a plan. And to have a ‘credible’ plan that I felt confident about when people asked “so, what are you doing with yourself these days?” Because who wants to say “oh, I’m just living…you know…with my parents. I’m reading a lot, and working at a restaurant. Taking a lot of long walks etc.”? If you are a consummate need-to-pleaser such as myself -though I would say I am definitely in recovery, largely due to my work with Rachael- then having anything less that “I’m going to be a brain surgeon” to tell people can feel a bit…dull. Unimpressive. Especially when the last fifteen years of your life were consumed with ‘making it to Broadway’.
Now, I am home, and (up until yesterday) it has felt like I needed to hurry up and make a new plan. No time to waste. Thirty three years old, no kids, no husband, no career… However… I am also thirty three years old with no kids, no husband and no career. I believe this is what Rachael has been attempting to lead me to all along…
THE OPTIONS ARE OPEN.
And yesterday, it dawned on me:
What if I DON’T go to grad school this fall?
What if -instead- I take a year to get to know myself and take care of myself before I make the next big plan?
With that thought came a sensation of ease and weightlessness that I have not felt since I left New York. Come to think of it, I never felt it in New York. Interesting. Now that I ponder, I’m not actually sure when the last time was that I felt quite so free.
There have been many many discussions Rachael and I have had in the past several months (since I relocated back to New Mexico) during which Rachael has repeatedly reminded me: It’s ok if this is the plan, but it’s also ok if it’s not.
ie: It’s ok if your truest path and hearts desire is to live in New Mexico and go to grad school,
but also make room for the possibility that this might NOT be the thing that you end up doing, and that it just might be another step along the journey.
Every time she has said this, I have cringed. I want to have a plan. I want to know what the plan is. I want the plan to be solid AND I want the plan to be the here and now, to be exactly what I am doing in this moment, and to NOT involve moving again…or…in reality, to not involve having to learn that what I ACTUALLY want is something that I haven’t even come up with yet. Control freak? Only human? Still working on that one…
My mother, who was a dancer for many years and was certain she would always be a dancer, went on to become a grant writer, an educator, to obtain her PhD, and to head a position with the New Mexico State Police Department, amongst many other jobs that she fell into. Today, she is a farmer who cares for many different animals, tends to three green houses, and makes her own skin care products. She has told me many times over the years that after she left the dance world, she found herself totally overwhelmed and amazed at how many new options there were. “Oh my God! I can do ANYTHING!!!” she has said to me time and time again. And she has. Anything and everything she felt pulled to do, she has done. And now, she feels like she is exactly where she is supposed to be.
Well, here I am. I can go to grad school in the fall…if I want to. Also, I don’t have to. Up until yesterday, that was not an option. Not because it didn’t exist, but because I was afraid to let it.
IT IS OKTO
CHANGE YOUR MIND.
You, me, the world. We are blessed with options, and (generally speaking) we are blessed with the freedom to explore them.
For the first time in my life, I am grateful for this.
What would YOU explore, if you could explore anything?
…good news: You CAN!
What do YOU know now,
that you didn't know before?