What I know now,
that I didn't know before:
It’s ok to want more…
testimonial Tuesday #14
The rivers of realization are running free at the moment. Some days, they help me to understand whole chunks of my life -why that thing happened or what that situation was REALLY about- and when it happens, it feels incredibly empowering. Other days, it means coming face to face with some of the big hairy demos from my past, and while it is awesome to finally have the strength to deal with them…that means that now I actually have to DEAL with them.
Today (I am writing this the Friday before my post), Rachael and I dealt with heavy some shit. Some deep, very old, very sneaky beliefs that I have been carrying around with me about my life and my purpose. Things like ‘I’m only lovable if I’m broken’ and ‘I am my past/I am my trauma’. While these were big ‘a-ha!’ moments, we were able to move through them quickly. Also, Rachael was performing reiki on me the whole time -and OMG you can TOTALLY feel it- so it didn’t take much to let the weight of those beliefs dis-lodge themselves from…wherever they were lodged…and float to the surface to be released on an exhale.
As we moved through our session, every old story/old belief that was released led me to the next, and to the next, until finally we seemed to come to the core issue; Wanting more. More from my life, more from my relationships, and more from my personal beliefs about myself and what I am capable of. Generally a whole lot more than I had been giving myself permission to want. A whole lot. I shared with Rachael that recently, I have started noticing how often I cut myself off at the knees. How often I limit my imagination or creativity because there is some old voice in my head saying:
"I’m not _____(qualified, smart enough, strong enough, anything enough)_____”.
This was so surprising to me, because I have learned time and time again that when you want something, like, TRULY want something in your heart, it is yours for the taking. And yet, that sneaky little voice keeps inserting itself deeper and deeper into my thinking. What’s more, that sneaky little voice sounds just like me! So it is hard to decipher which is coming from my head, and which is coming from my fear.
As it turns out, my sneaky little voice has been telling me for years that I am not allowed to want more, and has been using my parents as a determining factor in what -indeed- I AM allowed to want or ask for. Using their lives and the life they provided for me as a sort of guidepost or perimeter around how big I can let myself dream.
“Don’t want more than your parents had.
Don’t want more than your parents provided for you.
If you do, it means you are selfish, spoiled AND ungrateful”
…amongst many other adjectives that my little voice likes to toss around.
As Rachael and I discussed this, we paused, and she sent a whole lot of energy through the core of this idea. (Picture a balloon trapped inside of an anvil. Once the anvil is gently dissolved, the balloon is free to fly up and away.) Emotional weight lifts, and you are once again, gifted your full capacity for creating and experiencing life as you had always intended. This allows you to -sort of- objectively hold all those old thoughts in your hand, and really take a closer look.
“I want more” is not an insult, and it is not a personal attack.
It’s not even personal.
It is simply to want something different.
And different is totally ok, because no two lives are ever the same anyway. So of course you want different. If you are trying to live in someone else’s shadow (parents, friends etc), then you will probably always want out. More. Different. Anything to differentiate you from the pack. But, if you can live standing NEXT to someone else, and understand that they get to want what they want, just as you do, then both of you are bound to be notice the spaces of ‘more’ or ‘less’. You will have more of x, they will have more of y, and so on. My parents, who have two emu, will probably ALWAYS have more emu than me. And I certainly don’t take that personally. I want them to have ALL the emu. Just as they want me to have all the happiness, and all the joy that I have ever wanted in this life. And if THEY want it for me, then why can’t I?
What do YOU want more of?
What do YOU know now, that you didn't know before?