What I know now,
that I didn't know before:
You can’t always get what you want…
But if you let people and situations be what they truly are,
you may find that you get more than you could ever ask for.
testimonial Tuesday #11
I have loved the same man for two years. For two years, I have been waiting for him to show me that he is who I want him to be in order for me to feel truly safe in his company. For two years, he has been honest with me, has listened to me ramble on about how frustrated he makes me, and has always made time for me when I asked for it… and then some. For two years, I have thought about him every single day, and wondered if and when he would ever reveal to me his deepest darkest secrets…and at what point he would tell me at nauseam that I am pretty and wonderful and the most amazing woman he has ever met.
For two years, I have carried him with me on all of my many moves around the country, and for two years I have vacillated between indignant resentment and overwhelming joy based on whether or not he said the right or wrong thing. And by right or wrong, I of course mean whether or not he said/did what I wanted him to say/do. And in all of the time that we have been communicating; all of the times that I have told him I can’t speak to him anymore because I need my heart back, or that I need him to be _xyz__ so that I can be __abc_, he has listened, he has heard me, he has made time for me, and he has never turned his back on me. As hard as I have tried to push his buttons or run him off or test him in every conscious and sub-consciously conceivable manner, he -in turn- has never asked for anything other than my authenticity (accepting all of my craziness) in return.
I do not know what the future holds with this man, but after two whole years, I finally understand that there is nothing wrong with our relationship. He does not say what I want him to -most of the time- but he speaks the truth. He does not buy me pretty things (nor have I asked), but he shows up for me every single time I need him or ask him for a favor. He does not tell me outright that I’m amazing or stunning or incredible or any other adjective that I have had the tendency of letting define me, but when he holds me in his arms, I sure feel that way.
He may not be what I always thought that I wanted,
but I am beginning to understand that
-should the stars align for us-
he just might be far beyond anything that I could ever even imagine asking for…
exactly what I need.
As I discussed this with a friend recently, I spoke about my current life transition. After fifteen years of performing and ten or so pursuing a career in the performing arts, I have moved back home to New Mexico and am applying to graduate school for a Masters in Social Work. I am thrilled at the change, but have also been carrying around the feeling that I have spent my whole life working towards a very specific goal, and now as I move away from it, I fear that I have nothing to show for all the time that I have put in. I have a BFA in Musical Theatre from a respected and highly esteemed University, but I have no Broadway credits attached to my name.
As I confided in my friend about my feelings of inferiority, he mentioned to me that he saw it quite differently. That, in fact, he saw my path as thus: my time spent pursuing my degree taught me that I value connection and communication with people more than playing a role on stage. Learning to ‘act’ taught me how to understand another person. Learning how to dance and perform taught me about the power of self expression. And now, as I return home to New Mexico and say goodbye to the last chapter -a chapter in which I was striving for external acclaim and recognition as performer- I am able to look back and see that everything I have learned in all of my trials and errors has taught me everything that I needed to learn for the next chapter of my life.
Once I was able to let go of the ideas I've had about where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to have done thus far, I was able to see that everything has served its precise purpose.
It has all been exactly the way that it was meant to be.
And while none of it has looked the way I thought it was going to -the way I thought that I wanted it to-, it has all set me up to move forward with a life far beyond anything I ever could have dreamed up for myself.
When the blinders come off, the whole world opens up.
And for the first time in a long time, I am REALLY excited to see what comes next.
What’s waiting for YOU, beyond what lies straight ahead?
What do YOU know now,
that you didn’t know before?