​Perhaps you want a pet.  Perhaps, to you, this implies the acquisition of a dog or a cat.  However... perhaps life wants you to have…a frog.  It could even be a magic frog -you know, the kind that you kiss, and a prince (or a Lamborghini or the perfect career) pops out. BUT, because when you think pet, you think ‘cat or dog’, you proceed to NOT recognize that life is trying to hand you exactly what you’ve been asking for  -even going to far as to place it on your doorstep and ring the doorbell- and so, instead of exploring what lies directly in front of you, you open the door, see a frog…and walk away. 
Then you call pest control. Sound familiar? 
The underlying message has been the foundation of my work with Rachael over the past year.  Through her teachings and my willingness to absorb them, I have come to understand that one of the hardest things about receiving the gifts that we ask for, is learning to STOP EXPECTING IT to look the way you had always thought (or always hoped) that it would.
When I first started working with Rachael, I approached our work and her magical abilities as more of a psychic presence.  I felt like working with her and doing a little soul searching was all that would be needed to clear any blockages that stood between me and the life I was after.  It took many sessions before I really stopped to contemplate whether I wanted to continue putting precious collaborative energy into things that I had originally wanted.  For example, I spent a lot of time and energy talking with Rachael about Broadway and my desires to be successful, but only after many months of working together was I able to actually hear her when she said to me -something to the likes of- “you know, you have this long list of wants, and this deep desire to be successful, but nowhere on that list do you say that you want to be a successful-Broadway performer”.  Huh.  Maybe I really DO want a frog.

***

In session #11, Rachael and I talked about needs and wants.  And money.  We addressed the reality that NEEDS CHANGE.  That WANTS change.  And that the need and want for money and all that it has to ‘offer’ changes as well. In my recent history, I have not been in the position to need anything beyond what was absolutely necessary (food and shelter, clothes on my back, some kind of income etc.) for the general functioning of my life.  As I move into this next chapter -one in which abundant ease and joy have finally made it onto the list of bare necessities- I have had to address the fact that I no longer wish to live on crumbs, and perhaps more importantly (and with a lot of help from Rachael), I have had to start letting it be OK that I no longer wish to do so. ​

   
​When Rachael and I first started working together (almost an entire YEAR ago), my general m.o. was as follows:
1. Make big plans. 
2. Make sure that they are big enough to garner a lot of admiration for attempting to follow through on trying to      achieve them.  
3. Simultaneously, trap myself in the cycle of ‘attempting to follow through with those plans’ in a way that keeps       me from ever having to actually achieve anything.
4. Lather, rinse, repeat.

It is possible to live life with the joy and exuberance that I wish to possess, and to do it NOW. I do not HAVE to wait until I lose ten pounds or have the right job/car/house/boyfriend/clothing/goals etc. It’s not that I cannot have, do or be any of those things, it’s not even about the things.  It’s not about being skinny.  It has NEVER been about being skinny.  The ‘being skinny’ has just been a metaphor for WAITING until I feel WORTHY of living the life that I desire. ​

    A few years back, a good friend of mine was offered an amazing job.  To her, it was totally out of the blue and she couldn’t believe that she had duped someone in to hiring her for something that she was “so obviously not qualified to be doing”.  To the rest of us, it was so obvious that she WAS so qualified for the position and was hired -in large part- due to her outstanding qualifications, and also -in some other faction- based on the FACT that she is a total bad ass.  Many months later, after she was really in to the swing of things at her new job, I sat next to her on her couch one night and watched her move lots of numbers around between different spread sheets.  I had no clue what I was looking at.  However, to my friend, it was easy and obvious.  A piece of cake.  When I asked her about it, she said something to the likes of “I don’t know, it just make sense to me.  It doesn’t really feel all that hard.”

    Natural skills and abilities can vary so drastically from one person to the next, that it is easy -as an onlooker- to assume that someone is super successful or talented because they have worked incredibly hard to be that way.  And in many cases, that is true.  My friend -the one with all the spread sheets- she works her ASS of at everything she does.  She has for her entire life.  However, I believe that it would also behoove us to examine the natural talents and abilities that we were born with, and perhaps, start to look at them as the key to all of the doors we have been trying to open ... but haven't been able to find.  Perhaps you feel like you've been looking for that 'thing' or the answer to that question that you can never quite seem to ask...and what I have come to realize is that, perhaps, is it not such a mystery after all.  
  It is so easy to take our natural abilities for granted.  Especially if we have grown up knowing ourselves to be really good at something and not especially good at something else.  It is easy to undermine our innate talents, simply because they are ours – they have always been there- and therefor, they are not special or unique... and THEREFOR, they are not worth pursuing.  In a day and age where we thrive on comparison and have access to what every other person on the planet is doing and all hours of the day, it can be incredibly easy to lose sight of who we are and what we are truly called to do.  

    This week, I started my new job.  It has taught me many things already, but the two most important seem to be this: 
1. I am really good with numbers.
I have always known this, but as it did not seem cool or like a big deal, it went overlooked.  And 
2. I am really smart. 
Like, smarter than I have ever known myself to be. 
I entered an entirely new world this week, and in very short order, became quite fluent in the language.  And let me tell you, it feels really really good.  Especially after a lifetime of thinking that my only contributable-to-the-world-skills lied in my stage presence and performance ability. 
    This week I worked 40 hours at a desk in an office (MY office), staring at a computer screen, inputting numbers and data, preparing deposits, filing insurance claims, and solving other people’s problems.  I didn’t wear makeup, I drank way too much coffee, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt like a human being with a driving purpose.  I felt excited.  I felt inspired.  I felt like I never wanted to stop doing what I was doing.  I had to pry myself away from my desk at the end of each day, and I was eager to get back to it the next morning.  I felt appreciated, respected, trusted, and most of all, I felt really freakin smart. 

I’ve never really felt smart.

I always knew that I had a very active brain, and that I retained a lot of knowledge from my personal attempts at continued enlightenment…but never smart.  Never book smart, or brainy, or even a little bit like a nerd. 
Now, I feel like a total nerd.  And I love it.  
 
I had no idea that this part of me existed.  I had no idea that I had been shutting her out for so long. I had no clue that she was -or is- indeed, so very smart, and so very much a part of me. 
 
I love her :-) 
 
What comes naturally to YOU, that you might be overlooking?