Session THREE.

The moment before:
I lay asleep on a rock in the sunshine of central park.
I am exhausted from a week spent working two jobs.
I have been averaging 4-5 hours of sleep per night –sometimes less- and I have the sinking feeling that what just a week ago SEEMED like a good idea (to work two jobs all summer and stash a ton of cash) is actually going to leave me fat, sick and broken.

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​patchwork heart.

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​It is Thursday and an hour at which Rachael does not normally take clients.  However, due to my current state of affairs, she has made an exception, and squeezed me in.  Thank God.
 
I answer her call with a pleading “RACHAEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL……” which she seems to find quite amusing.  I am SO happy to speak with her.  I think she can sense this by my tone and the elongated crying out of her name.  She greets me with a great big “He-LLOOO!” and a chuckle, and we begin.

​Today’s intention: LET IT ALL GO​​

​What this means:  Let go of everything that is not working –without question or pause as to WHY it isn’t working- just take/give myself permission to let it all go.
 
What’s not working:  Being attached to a man that is many miles away.
What’s not working: Working two jobs for the money-NOT for my soul- which is leaving me ZERO time to take care of my soul and costing me money because I also have no time to cook or do laundry.
What’s not working:  Doing a poor job at taking care of myself.
What’s not working: Living in fear that I have lost touch with my greatest desires because I have left no space for them in my life.
What’s not working: The fear that in wanting to be of service to others, people are going to discover that I am a fake…whatever that means…which is keeping me from being of service to others.
What’s not working:  Everything feels broken.  In pieces.  Fragmented. It’s as if my closet has been ripped apart (click here for more on the closet analogy), and now I am sitting amidst the heaps of crap that have been pulled out –most of which I don’t even want anymore- and it is all just piled up on my bed where I am seeing it all as an adult for the first time.
 
WHY IT’S NOT WORKING:  Because all of it is keeping me from myself. From living my best life.  From being available to the people I love, and from being available to myself and the callings of my heart.
From doing the work that I am here on the planet to do.
 

​Rachael and I move into our pre-clearing conversation. 

​I tell her about my two jobs;
-By day, I am a receptionist at a financial investment firm in a beautiful and relatively quiet office.  We are 30 floors up and just south of Central Park, so my ‘office view’ is ALL of Manhattan.  It is stunning, and I get to spend most of my time at the computer, working on my own projects.
-By night, I am working as a waitress at a very busy and very dark Greek restaurant in the East Village.  It is hectic, chaotic, and filled with people who are younger than me.  It gets me home at about 2am, following which I have to wake up 4 hours later to get to my day job.  It is quickly burning me out and sucking my soul.  My feet hurt, and my entire body is swollen.

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I tell her that;
-I originally had great intentions for working two jobs.  I felt very proud of my capacity to push myself, and felt as though I was doing myself a big favor by making a bunch of money at whatever cost (pun not intended).
-I can feel my initial ‘light of inspiration’ dimming behind a cloud of exhaustion.
- I am proud of myself for doing what needs to be done; making some quick cash to get myself through a tight spot.
- I am quickly starting to understand that while I will never grow out of the need to take care of myself –even if it means swallowing my pride to do so- I have also reached a point in my life where working as a waitress feels TOTALLY out of alignment with…everything.
-While my ego may not be terribly excited about being a 32 year old receptionist/waitress, what I am MORE concerned about is my heart and soul, and their calm and gentle reminders that I have a mission on this planet and that the time to be of service is now.
(And the service I speak of does not involve pouring beers or slinging fries.)

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Reiki side bar:
It is an interesting experience to tell someone how you’re feeling and know that they already know.

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​Rachael immediately inquires about the waitressing; 

“What’s the darkness at the restaurant gig?” she asks.

“It is literally dark in the restaurant” I tell her.  “I feel so old even saying this, but the lights are super dim and I have to squint to look at the computer screens.   It is also very busy, and every time I go into work, it feels like I have to take a great big deep giant breath and hold it…for 8 hours. Some part of me knows that if I let myself stop and acknowledge what I’m doing, that I might scream…and then implode.”

She goes on to inquire as to why, when I have graciously been offered a house-sitting gig in a beautiful neighborhood for the summer (I have graciously been offered a housesitting gig in a beautiful neighborhood for the summer), why did that miracle of time and space push me to think that my next best decision would be to press the pause button on everything I have been wanting for my life and the momentum I have been building, and spend all summer working 80 hours a week, NOT enjoying the beautiful miracle of time and space?!

​We also discussed romantic relationships and the recent emergence of an old love -bringing with it some much needed healing- as well as the awareness that I want to feel that way about someone else again, someday.  I want to know a love that is equal to –if not greater than- the greatest love of my life (so far).
 
Rachael mentioned that perhaps, as relationships tend to bring us closer to ourselves, what I am really wanting is to feel great love within myself first-and-foremost…

​Bingo.

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​“Anything else you want to add?” she asks.  “What are you really wanting?  What do you feel like you’re REALLY needing?”
 
Simultaneously, we both exclaim; “CARE”. 
 
-My ‘self’ is needing care.  BIG time.
-Also, I have a ‘work hard’ complex; ‘work your ass off just because you can’.
-And finally, what I am doing is NOT sustainable, so what is the intention?  Why am I doing what I am doing?  Why am I letting certain things go and taking on other things that still don’t feel aligned?  Perhaps I am just uncomfortable with the space in my newly excavated closet?
 
I tell her “It feels like life is saying ‘Where are you?  We’re over here, waiting for you!  Where did you go?  WHERE ARE YOU????’” --at some point in the past 4 weeks, I caught a glimpse of my life -the way I want it to feel- and then I shoved it back in the closet, turned off the light, and locked the door.

“It’s ok” she says, “everything you have done so far is still within you.  Nothing is lost.” 
Again, I thank God.
 And with that…we begin.

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ENERGY CLEARING:

​I know in the moment, that my heart is the place with the greatest leak, and Rachael’s magical powers will head there first to patch it up. 
The visuals were stunning.
I closed my eyes, and immediately saw my heart.  It was a giant cavernous room, covered in cob webs. It was grey and dusty, and constructed of paper thin walls that were full of holes.  It was in desperate need of repair, and obvious that the owner left long ago and never returned to perform proper maintenance.  There was a woman inside the room.  She was old and frail, dressed in rags and almost bald.  She was on her knees, head-in-her-hands-weeping; completely distraught and alone, with no one to help her and nowhere to go.  I started to cry.  Her sadness was visceral and so so real. 
Of course it was.   
Her pain and loneliness was my pain and loneliness.
Her sadness was my sadness. 
She was me. 
Is me; the part of me that is in charge of my heart and soul; the part of me that knows the truth, from the lies.
She is the captain, and she has been attempting driving the boat –alone- for years; run ragged trying to get my attention, and I –in turn- have repeatedly abandoned her.  I have ignored her, belittled her, choked her and smothered her when she cried out the loudest. 
I have never done this on purpose.
It has simply been a stronger need for external validation than for internal wisdom that has kept me from listening to her pleas for help. 
Where that need comes from, I don’t exactly know.
It is probably for a whole different blog post, but I am certain that it is Universal, and that learning to live along side of it is a lifetime in the making.
 
As I continued to watch the woman mourn, I felt tears roll down my cheeks.  I sat with her for a moment and watched as a warm, dry breeze kicked up some dust from the floor below, sending it swirling into the clouds over head.
Suddenly, in a display of stunning special effects –similar to the ones at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the entire staff is transformed back into their previous selves- I watched as the walls filled with color from the ground up.  They seemed to flush, with vibrant hues of red and gold, breathing life back into the room like new blood coursing through an old vein.  The holes in the walls disappeared, and the woman who had sat weeping before me, stood up, radiant and strong, and jumped on the back of some sparkly large-winged creature that swooped in and carried her off into the sky, long brown hair billowing in the wind.
 
It felt glorious…and that’s about all I can remember (visually) from our session.  (Probably because I have been getting very little sleep, and was lying on a big warm rock in Central Park as Rachael was working her magic.) 
 
When I came to, she debriefed me on what else she had discovered.

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CHAKRA TALK 3.0:

​Crown- Where do you live in all this?  (As in, where are MY desires amidst all the work I am doing and all of the other people I am thinking about every day).  It is WAY too exhausting for ‘BECAUSE I CAN!”
 
Yes.  I am exhausted.  And while I have learned all about what I am capable of by arbitrarily committing to things and seeing them through, it is becoming painfully obvious to me that this pattern does not make for a life full of joy and passion.
 
3rd EYE- Not feeling quite right…what’s the darkness in the night job?
As previously mentioned; it is literally dark.  Hard to see.  Also, feels like I am choking/drowning.
 
Throat- Allow yourself the freedom to CHANGE YOUR MIND!!!!!!!!!! (She made sure to let me know that this one came at her like a giant exclamation)  Feeling of stuck drowning…
 
I have a stigma about breaking commitments.  I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind once I set out to do something –that changing my mind makes me a failure or a flake or too weak- so I often find myself BURIED in a whole of my own making because I was too stubborn to jump out while it was still shallow enough to do so.
 
Heart- omg so tired. “This is not what I asked for…”  What are the pieces that are what I asked for? Keep these, let the rest go.
 
Omg, YES I AM SO TIRED.  And NO, this is NOT what I asked for- the maintaining 80 hours a week and getting no sleep and being miserable part.  What I DID ask for was ease; a job I like enough that pays my bills and provides me the space and time to figure out where I want to put my energies.  Also, super affordable summer housing…both of which I got.  So hold on to those two, and let the rest go; the need to make a TON of extra money, the weird pride attached to killing myself in the process of making all the money, my attachment to having a ton of extra money because I don’t trust that I can make it doing something that I ACTUALLY want to work 80 hours a week for.
 
Solar- Going because I can. Resilience…important to remember, but at what cost?
 
Big pat on the back for even attempting to do what I am doing this week.  For acknowledging that I needed to make x amount of dollars in x amount of time, and doing what I needed to do to get that done.  Note to self: I’ve got your back.  Another note to self: once the crisis is over, you do not have to keep living like you are still in crisis.  I can certainly ‘prove’ something to myself by maintaining a torturous schedule all summer, but at the cost of my health, my happiness, and everything I want to utilize and practice to cultivate a life of ease.
 
Sacral- feeling of putting a lid on greatest desire.
 
Yup.  The repeated thought in my head has been “ok.  We are just going to push the pause button on life and progress for the summer, and pick it all back up in the fall…”.  Only recently have I started to acknowledge that this means I will be exactly where I am now.  Even if I DO have extra money in the bank, I will still be spiritually BROKE.
 
Root- Remember you have the ability to create grounding that feels good to you! You do this by doing individual things that feel good to you and building upon that.
 
Is it possible, that I can grant myself permission to live a simple life this summer?  Meaning that I don’t spend too much money, I get a lot of rest, do a lot of yoga,  read a lot of books and write a lot of books and enjoy drinking wine on my temporary roof top and taking weekend trips to local places like people DO who have normal/sustainable lives and normal/sustainable schedules?  Am I allowed to let it be THAT simple?  It feels WAY too easy.  And I have always felt pretty lame about the word ‘easy’.  However, if my aim is to cultivate a life of EASE, then perhaps the Universe is giving me exactly what I need.  Perhaps the work that I am SUPPOSE to be doing has NOTHING to do with the actual WORK that I am doing, and EVERYTHING to do with how I am going about DOING it.

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​There was so much comfort in this information.  So much comfort in another individual -that you trust explicitly- confirming for you what you have been feeling in your heart. That indeed, I do NOT have to work myself into the ground to be worthy.  That I AM allowed to change my mind at any point.  At ANY POINT.  That life is allowed to be simple, and enjoyed for its simplicity as much as its complexities.
That to live a life of ease, one must start by living a life of ease.

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"No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it."  
-Albert Einstein.

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​At the close of our session, I gave myself permission to not want to work as a waitress anymore.  I decided I would work the weekend to make the money I needed, and then give myself a pat on the back for doing what needed to be done…and then be done. 
 
I am committed to my vision, even though I don’t understand exactly what that means at the moment. 
I am open to the doors that are all around me and I will do my best to see and allow everything that is intended to be a signal, to be one. 
I will use my vision to scan the full 360, not just take in the 45 degrees that are in front of me. 
 
Moving forward, I am giving myself permission to let it all be a bit simpler.
I am giving myself permission to trust my instincts.  Truly trust my instincts.
Even as I type that, I have to re-remind myself that I am going to do this.
 
---Currently, my instincts are telling me that some kind of big change is coming in June, and by September, I will be walking tall through the pages of my next chapter.
 
I am giving myself permission to embrace the fluidity of my life.  That might mean a day at this job…a month in that home…etc.  It is all leading me down the river to the middle of the ocean, where the waters are calm and the horizon is vast.
 
All in all, I think I am finally understanding what it means to get out of my own way.  And that it takes enormous courage to do so, but not really much else.

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​An hour ago… I felt totally lost.
An hour later… I still feel lost, but I feel totally ok with it. 
Ok with figuring it out. 
Ok with listening to myself for the answers instead of re-tracing old steps.
Ok with leaving the space open for the new and the good.
 
Until next time…

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