Session EIGHT.

The moment before:
It has been a busy and sleepless couple of days; the family that I work for came home for a short spell and I was in transit between a friends couch and the bed of a 7 year old who –thank fully- sleeps quite soundly, but whom I was terrified was going to roll out of the bed in the middle of the night and smash her lil’ noggin on the hard wood floor three feet below (we princesses like tall beds).
Up until 4 days ago I have been off of sugar (cleansing at the recommendation of a friend due to some less than ideal blood sugar levels), I haven’t had alcohol or caffeine for over three weeks, and I’m noticing a lot of hidden emotions that are buried beneath my eating habits and personal choices.

​I'M HERE!!!

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Rachael calls and I reach a T-rex claw-like arm out from the inside of my tightly woven blanket cocoon to answer my phone.  I will lay there, wrapped up on the couch –eyes closed- for the next hour, as Rachael works my energy like a Harlem Globe Trotter works a basketball; with absolute skill and finesse.
She asks me for my intention, and one word pops into my brain and out of my mouth: “HONESTY.

My intention is honesty.

More specifically; 'being honest with myself about certain thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that I’ve been aware of, and examining within myself for years, but have only recently begun to feel courageous enough to talk about in private...let alone, publish in a blog post.

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an honest moment about honesty:

...It has never been my forte.  I have never been great about sharing my true feelings if I fear that they may hurt or offend another, and especially if I believe that they might make me look less than perfect.  I am an excellent keeper of other people's honesty -I do NOT believe in telling anyone else's secrets; not even to my shoes or my dog- but when it comes to my own true feelings about most things, I've done an excellent job -for most of my life- at manipulating my truth to accommodate my surroundings.  

However, now, due to the work that Rachael and I have done, it seems that I can no longer keep quiet.  It also seems that now, whenever I attempt to do so (to keep myself quiet), I am not able to turn the volume down without the assistance of outside resources.  
i.e.; food, alcohol, etc.  

Basically, as long as I can put something in, then nothing potentially harmful or distressing can come out.
​
So why honesty this week?
Because this week I attempted -and failed to complete- yet another dietary cleanse (we will come back to this) under the guise of 'helping myself' when in reality, I was seeking the means to control my emotional relationship with food. 

Because I have an emotional relationship with food.
Because, since moving to NYC, I have been on the 'no carb left behind as long as I get to sit by myself in front of the TV and don't have to share with anyone' campaign trail.  
Because when I am happy and my heart is good, I naturally eat well and get plenty of exercise, but, when I am in a place that is completely void of emotional nourishment, I turn to the toast.  Or granola.  Or ice cream.  Or pizza.  Or whatever is in my cabinet that I can cover in almond butter.

"Where does honesty fit in here?"
Rachael asked...
​

I'm not sure, and perhaps that is because I have spent years attempting to numb myself from a wide variety of feelings, and even longer trying not to be honest with myself about it.
In fact, up until recently, I have not had the courage to even acknowledge what I really want and who I really want to be, let alone to be honest about everything else that I have been doing to cover it up.
It's been a long time pattern -binge and restrict, diet and cave, exercise like a mad woman and then collapse a week later- as has been my need to control it; the redeeming moments of being complimented on my waist line or my clean diet, always out shadowed by my own judgmental thoughts;
'if they only knew what I looked like naked...'
or
'that's sweet, but I'm actually about five pounds away from receiving your compliment graciously'...just to name a few.

I know I am not alone in this.  
I know I am not the only person in the world who can cry wolf over their life spinning out of control because they have decided to start eating _________ again.
However, I also know that no one ever really likes to talk about it.
Not just about what they are really feeling, but what they are doing to cover up what they are really feeling about any number of things.

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As I discussed all of this with Rachael, I shared with her that I was carrying a lot of shame for not taking care of myself the way that I 'should' be.  
​
​Her response was totally awesome, and TOTALLY took me by surprise;

​“The reason you’re feeling so bad that you’re not taking care of yourself in the way that you “should” is because you’ve actually been taking SUCH good care of yourself”
she tells me.
...
...
...
​...

...​ummmmmm...

​whaaaaaaa?!?

(​That one took a minute.)  
​

​How is it possible that I’ve been taking SUCH good care of myself, when I haven’t been doing any of the things that I am so use to doing?

I haven’t been following any kind of weight loss protocol (should)…
but I have been practicing kindness and mindfulness with myself and my body (good).

I haven’t been following a strict exercise routine (should)…
but I have been listening to my body and how it wants to move, and doing my best to oblige (good).

I haven’t been obsessively trying to get a million things done every day and packing my schedule from sun-up to sun-down because that’s what productive people do and it’s the only way to get ahead in life (should)…
but I have been lounging on the sofa and reading and watching a lot of funny and interesting television and movies all summer (good).

And I do believe that one of my goals for this time; my time alone in NYC and working with Rachael, was to get in touch with what I really needed and develop a relationship with myself and my body that is based on feeling good, sustainably…

​So...maybe...I HAVE been taking really good care of myself?
​Question mark?
​

Over the past six months, I’ve actually been giving myself exactly what I’ve needed, but it has looked sooooo much different from anything that I am use to seeing myself do, that it’s been hard to recognize.  

Self-Care use to look like eating within strict guidelines and never missing a workout -except for the days that I didn’t leave the couch and ate ice cream for dinner- for fear of losing some part of the identity that I was so desperately trying to reinforce: ‘Super fit-and-healthy dancer girl’. 
Self-care also looked like talking a big compassion/motivation game, while simultaneously berating myself for even THINKING about wanting something sweet or deep fried.  
I was so obsessed with the idea of Self-care, that I didn't realize  it had become an antonym for everything it once stood for.  It became stressful. It took up every hour of the day that was not consumed with another scheduled activity, was very rarely based in the present moment, and ultimately, became used as a path to perfection.

And then, 
I moved back to NYC.
​

And in a town of eight and a half million people, no one really gives a shit about how 'well' I am taking care of myself...or whether or not I am perfect...but me.
And, as it turns out, I don't actually care as much as I thought I did. 
I moved back to NYC, and I was free.  Free of the labels, free of the responsibility of appearing a certain way (no-one cares), and free to re-define my agenda.  Self-care included. 
Upon my arrival to NYC, I wanted to do nothing but sleep.  And so I did.  I also realized that I was totally fed up with dieting and exercising to compensate for my percieved inadequacies as a human being, so I stopped doing both.  I started meditating more, saying prayers at night, and doing things like walking and reiki to take care of myself and to heal the pieces of me that felt broken.  I reveled in my alone time, and lost all desire to date, socialize, or do anything that took more energy then I had to give.  I watched lots and lots of funny TV shows and movies, ate a lot of pizza, drank a lot of wine, did my best to get 10,000 steps a day (sometimes), and threw the left over scraps of my former rule book into the metaphorical fire…along with my skinny jeans, my booty shorts and all of the other superfluous items that I had been carrying around with me –and not using- for years.  ​

And then,
when I had to buy bigger pants,
​I didn’t lose my mind.

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​“Why did you REALLY stop the cleanse?” 

Rachael asked me as we continued our discussion, 

​“And what did you get out of it?”

​​​Honestly?  Honestly.

Why did I really stop the cleanse?  I stopped cleansing because I needed to hit the re-set button on my personal motivators. I was attempting to commit to its completion from a place of fear, not love. 
​Fear tells me that I have something to prove, love tells me that I already know exactly what I need to do to take care of myself, and reminds me to be brave, compassionate and patient in doing so.
Also, I was not doing it 100% for myself, and I no longer wish to live a life based on pleasing others.

What did I get out of the cleanse?  The reminder that I already know what is best for me.  That I know full well how to take care of myself, and that doing things that are in-authentic to me in the name of someone or something else does NOT create motivation or resilience, but rather resentment and fear.  

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​I already know...

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​'I already know'.  
​How many times has Rachael said this to me over the past four months?
​
“You already know everything I’m telling you”…
“I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know”…
“You already know the answers”

Session 8, I got it;
I already know.

I know that it is safe to trust myself, and I know that I already have all of the answers to my questions.

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“Oh! Oh my Gosh!" I said. 
"Here I am!  I am here!”

*lightbulb moment*

We both laughed
:-)

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I am HERE.
Here, where I have wondered -for as long as I can remember- if I would ever be.
Here, where I trust and believe that I actually know myself.
Here, where I know and believe that I can actually trust myself.
Here, where I no longer need to commit to anything that doesn’t feel right, and I am free to commit to what does…
and then make a change if it feels right, and not make a move until it does.
Here where I can love myself, and speak up for myself, and follow my own instincts without the weight of anyone else on my mind or in my heart.

Here, where I no longer need to deny that I ALREADY KNOW (what I want, what is best for me, what is true in my heart)…because I do.  
I already Know. 
You already Know.  
We ALL ALREADY KNOW.
And it is enough to trust what we Know.
And that is so freaking awesome.

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What I didn’t know until this moment –the moment that I knew that I knew- is that THIS is why I began reiki in the first place; to clear the crap and clutter that was standing in the way of me knowing what I Know… what I have always Known; 
That I do, have, and always will, indeed, already Know.  
It may not always be pretty, it may not always be what I want it to be, but at least I can finally feel like I have all the facts, because they are my facts, and that is all that I need.  It’s all that I have ever needed, and all that I will ever need.  
​
It is just me -who I have always been, and who I have been waiting to be all along- me; Known.

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