The moment before:
I have literally JUST returned from a week in sunny California for the wedding of my best friend.
I am exhausted, under-slept, emotionally and spiritually full and simultaneously incredibly sad.
I got back to my apartment five minutes before Rachael called...
leaving the dock.
My intention: Clear it up. Clarify. Clarification. Essentially, to get organized.
The last time Rachael and I spoke, my intention was to get clear. This week, I would like to get organized. I compare this to the final stages of closet clean-out; the closet is empty, you have decided what is staying and what is going, and now it all needs to be folded or bagged or boxed etc. in preparation to be shipped away for good.
And then you have to actually let it go.
Rachael mentioned that an intention such as this one can take a second…or two... to really navigate its way through all the facets of your life. ‘Get organized’ covers a lot of bases. Get organized with my feelings; how I feel about life currently and how I would like to feel moving forward. I understand that feelings are not really under my control, but what I do to contribute to their creation, is. Get organized with what I am wishing to create, and how I want to spend my time and energy. I have just come from a weekend filled with love, family, celebration, sunshine and space. It all felt so good and reminded me that I desire each of those elements in my life as a foundation, rather than as an occasional respite.
Rachael and I chat about this briefly. We discuss the new space I have opened up internally; ideally it is space to be filled with the elements listed above, and we also discussed my fear that the space might close up if I don’t work diligently to keep it open…which I feel like I am constantly trying to do. It’s like there is a little Wonder Woman inside of me, who is using all her might to keep the mouth of a cave from collapsing. If I don’t hold it all together, it will all fall apart. If I stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, it will crush me. If I let go, I might actually die.
Let me take a moment here to acknowledge that I am a self-proclaimed
‘trust in the Universe! Have faith!’ kidnda’ gal,
so I recognize the irony in feeling like I am in charge of holding it all together.
Rachael and I took a moment to breathe together, and then she shared this image with me:
“I see the little Wonder Woman in her power pose, holding up these giant boulders over her head.
Then, I zoom out a bit, and I can see that the boulders are wrapped in chains, holding them(the boulders) together, and then I zoom out even further, and I can see that the chains are actually mounted to the ceiling. As in, you are underneath the boulders, holding them up, but you’re not actually doing anything.
They are being held up by the chains and the mountings…”
As she shares this image with me, her voice grows stronger and stronger, and she begins to laugh –with me, not at me- for the realization that I don’t need to work so hard, and all the stress I cause myself in thinking that I do.
“It is safe to let it all go” she tells me, “the space that you have opened is open and will stay open.”
I felt my shoulders drop.
Somehow, I know that we are at a turning point.
This is nice to hear.
..I have felt like a discombobulated, irresponsible, flaky artist for so long that it feels ‘out of character’ or ‘un-artistic’ to have my shit together.
And with that, we both take a deep breath, and the clearing begins...
Various other images came up and I certainly felt Rachael removing lots of heavy energy from my chest and legs, but the final image of the session was my favorite;
A woman at a round desk with many different panels projecting outward -like rays of sunshine- was sitting in a swivel chair and swishing from panel to panel, in her own time, giving as much or as little attention as she desired to what was in front of her, and then spinning in her chair and stopping in line with whatever she wanted to work on next. It felt like being the axis point on a bicycle wheel; able to move freely from spoke to spoke without any distractions.
Rachael shared with me what she received on her end…
CHAKRA TALK 4.0:
Crown- There was the vision of me attempting to hold space with no need. Is this something you can ask the Universe to be responsible for?
I am working on trusting and engaging with the Universe as a friend. Issues with trust seem to be presenting themselves a lot.
Third Eye- You have evidence and proof and a clear feeling that you CAN function as the person you want to be/person you have now FOUND yourself to be (big exhale /sigh of relief at the moment this came in…and then the sirens came!!!)
My weekend in California and my maid of honor duties reminded me that I am super capable of being largely responsible for gigantic and important things, and also, that managing those gigantic things comes very naturally to me. My inclinations to be loud and bossy actually serve quite well in the appropriate situations, especially when I TRUST myself.
Throat- What feels scary/like it’s going to come crashing down? (big sigh)
Broadway… there is fear that you can’t engage with your artist dream “responsibly”…whatever that means.
There is fear within me that I do not know how to engage with these things in a healthy manner. That my relationship with them has been unhealthy for SO long, that I no longer TRUST myself to engage responsibly.
I.e.; be mindful of my diet/exercise because I want to be healthy vs starving myself and over exercising to look a certain way. TRUSTING that I know when I need to buy new shoes vs being terrified that I am somehow going to manage to spend all of my money on shit that I don’t need and once again be broke and need a bail out.
Choosing to pursue life in the arts because I WANT to…if and when I want to…vs letting it define me or validate my existence. No longer expecting a gig or a contract or anything outside of myself to fulfill me, and also embracing the reality that theatre is a really cool job, but it is a job none-the-less, and having one does not eliminate the need for overall happiness and fulfillment from a life full of love and gratitude.
TRUSTING that I am enough as I am, thin/round/new shoes/old shoes/Broadway star or Bee keeper.
Heart-“You have worked to get here…you can let go...It can be easy”
Terror! Terror! Terror! My ‘work hard and prove yourself worthy of being happy’ complex really feels threatened by this one.
Solar-Holding tight on specific next moves/the form…instead, follow the feeling. You have no idea where the path will lead you. Keep breathing.
I have been obsessed with trying to ‘figure it out’. I have been working backwards, trying to guess where I THINK I might want to be in ten years, and going backwards from there vs listening to how I feel now and trusting what I already know to be true….and then getting deeply quiet, listening to what is in my heart, and making choices based on what feels good.
Sacral- Deep knowing and grounded understanding that you can have and create whatever you desire.
“Manifestation is key… Manifestation is fun…Manifestation is powerful...our thoughts are powerful. Our energetic mindset is powerful. We are powerful. Be careful and intentional in –and- expressive with your power.”
I understand this, I believe it, and I know it to be true. I also know that all too often I get discouraged by the opinions of those who don’t. Also, I get very overwhelmed at the thought and reality that I really CAN create anything…so what do I wish to create?
Root- It feels like emerging from a plane crash, like….am I really okay? Is everything really okay?...Everything is okay….whoa….can I trust this?
I have been so profoundly taken care of over the past three years. So many situations have crossed my path that I had no idea how to handle, and the answer/home/finances/job/person/place/thing has always showed up. Always. I am not crazy to trust –at this point, with the mountain of evidence stacked in Universal favor, I would be crazier NOT to- but it does make me nervous.
I can trust. I can trust that it’s all good.
That I have the answers.
That I am connected to my heart, and that the Universe DOES know what I desire most.
No need to have it all figured out, just take loving actions, and trust…
So that is what I will work on this week.
At the close of our session, I told Rachael that I felt like I was the captain of a giant ship that had just left the dock. That I was finally on my way, on my journey, cutting ties with the past and sailing off into my future with no GPS…just good ol’ fashioned instincts, which I will now need to trust more than ever.
I have no clue where I am going, but I know that I will get there a lot faster now than I would have before.
I am already excited for my next session.