So it's session twelve, and there are a couple of things that I know to be true. I know that I am going to look back on everything that I said that I wanted 6 months ago, and revel in what I have been able to accomplish. I also know that I'm going to find that there are things on the list of what I wanted six months ago that are no longer realistic or true. Mostly, I know that in some way, shape, or form, everything that was a matter of concern in my mind or in my heart at the start of this mission, will have been tended to in some way.
I know this because I believe it to be true, I know this because I know the power of manifestation and intention, and most of all, I know this because Rachael has taught me about the true and incredible power of energy; in ways both big and small.
I know that no matter what happens next, I have ascended a mountain of sorts, and from where I now stand, I can look back on the past six months with a clear perspective. I have done a ton of heavy emotional lifting since April, and am stronger and more resilient than ever before. I have new skill sets and a more comprehensive understanding of the Universe…and most importantly, the space in which I now live is forever open. There is no going back from here, I have made it to the end of a well worn journey, and I already want to get started on chapter two.
(Rachael and I have already discussed this, and agreed that we will be working together for another six months starting mid October.)
My final session with Rachael felt kind of like (pardon the graphic expression) my water breaking. ..or at least, what I imagine that to be. It was like the final release before the birthing process begins. I have felt -for the past 6 months- like I have been in utero, rebuilding my internal structure, in preparation to once again step out into the world as the most authentic version of myself.
Session twelve made it very clear that it is time to push.
Time to create. To birth. To bring something into existence that has yet to have ever been created before. I want to land in Oregon, dig my roots into the soil and stretch my branches up towards the sun. I want to experience what I am able to create when I am all in; when I no longer have to spend my time or energy wondering where my next home will be (I have moved my life 51 times since high school graduation) or where my next pay check will be coming from (I intend to find consistent, stable employment).
What will I do with all of that energy that I normally use to run around in circles?
What will it allow me to come up with?
What is it that I want to learn about? To cultivate?
What do I hope to discover, that can grow and expand and permeate through all of my life, for the rest of my life? Especially now that I understand that it is not so much a privilege, but a responsibility to make clear, concise statements to the Universe about what it is that I would like to have/be/do/create/etc.…and then to be open to the reception of those things in whatever way they choose to show up.
From start to finish, top to bottom, beginning to end, these past six months have taught me more than I ever knew was possible for me to know. And not in the ways that I had originally thought that they would. Initially, my intentions were tangible. They were wrapped tightly around things that I could see or touch or hold up and show off. Largely; they were external.
However, now, with Rachael’s help, I have seen the light; there is no external. Sure, there are things and items and resources outside of myself that I may wish to call upon or to acquire at different points in my life, but when it comes to living fully and truthfully, there is no 'one goal', no end game…no end at all. There is only life, connected to the heart and lead by truth. There is just me, wherever I go, whatever I do.
As I mentioned all of this to Rachael -to her utter delight- she was astute enough to inquire about what I might be afraid of as I move ahead. What potential triggers do I foresee lying in the distance, waiting to try and suck me back into a place of disbelief or darkness.
“I’m scared of starting anew. Of doing things that I haven’t done before, even though I know I have the skills and the courage to do them; I’m afraid of looking stupid. Of having to ask stupid questions…”
“And why would you have to do that?”
“Because I will be starting over as I move ahead. I have let go of a lot of my old expectations for my life, and that means having to walk out into the wild blue yonder, not knowing what I am going to find. I’m scared of starting over, of having to build my way back up from scratch, spinning my wheels, and having to start from the bottom.”
“Consider this:” she said to me, “you’re not starting over…”
…I LOVE this woman…
“you’re not…the ground is already built and it is IN you so it cannot be moved. Continue to trust this, even in circumstances that look similar to past situations…they are not the same!!! You are a different person now, so the experiences are going to be different…you have been manifesting all along…and continuing to receive...there is no starting over.”
…and with that, I felt myself cross the finish line.
She was right, IS right -of course- and it makes total sense. I am not starting over now, not now, not ever. There is no ‘starting over’, not really, because we carry all of our glorious, beautiful, crazy mess with us wherever we go. Sure, we shed details along the way, gain new perspectives and change our hair, but until we die, we do not start over. And even then, depending on what you believe, your soul simply continues to evolve…vs. eliminating it’s own existence.
I don’t have to start over. I am who I am, now, where I am, now, and I will continue to be that person no matter where I go or what I do from her on out…and then I will learn more stuff and gather new information, and I will incorporate it all…but I don’t ever have to start over.
This notion brought me such peace. It brought me the feelings of self-trust and self assurance that I have been gunning for since I started my journey towards personal development some _____ years ago. Finally, I felt like I got what I was after, and a giant sense of calm washed over my entire body.
'I can trust myself' has transformed into 'I trust myself'.
'I can be myself', to 'I am myself'.
and 'I am safe in the Universe', became, simply, 'I am safe'.
I trust myself, I am myself, and I am safe.
At the close of our session, Rachael performed one final energy clearing, sweeping away the last remnants of cobwebs and checking in one final time with my deepest truths.
As she did this, I was reminded of our first session together; how lost I felt and confused I was, and how terrified I was that the Universe was turning its back on me…
“…you are trying and trying and trying to move forward, you are actually tied to a tree...everything you need and everything you have learned is with you, inside of you always, and you don't need to keep carrying around your attachment to the person or the experience--from which you got your gems--any longer…”
As I read that now, I laugh at how much more sense it makes than it did six months ago, and I am overjoyed as I read and re-read what Rachael shared with me about my energy in our final session of our first round of work together:
You are in such a place of peace.
You are wide open.
It’s ok to show up as the full version of you...it’s time.
You are going towards what you actually WANT.
You are full of gleeeee!!! And so excited for your new adventure.
You can do this, you are doing this, and you are determined…
…and I am. And it is. It’s time.
I am exactly where I had hoped I would be at this point; despite having no idea what it was going to look like or how I was going to get here...but here I am.
And I know I am… because I know I am :-)
I wouldn’t have made it without Rachael’s help.
My heart and my spirit are eternally grateful for the past six months, for the love and passion of another person who is so deeply committed to the well being of others. For Reiki with Rachael.
I am forever changed, and forever grateful, and forever me.
‘When the student is ready, the teacher will appear...’