Session ELEVEN.

When did I decide that living life in a particular way was more important than just living life? 
And what have I been waiting for?   

​When did I decide that only once I was ________________ enough was I entitled to the same amount of pleasure and joy as everyone else on the planet?  
Not that all of them are taking advantage of it either, but to each their own, and I fear that I have been giving my ‘each’ far too little credit for far too many years.  
The tingles to go and do things…just because...  
The desires to go and sit in a cafe with the best coffee in New York and write about nothing or something or anything on my computer…to be THAT girl.  The desire to put on a nice dress and go have a glass of wine at a smokey jazz bar…ALL BY MYSELF.  The desire to see the statue of liberty just because, to walk thru The Met and look at all the art, even if it doesn’t speak to me or I know nothing about its history.  Just the notion of what it feels like to spend a day in Brooklyn or to taste the best greek food that New York has to offer..which I'm told is in Queens.
​

---

when did I lose the will to have fun? 
Even if I have to do it alone?

---

​I have a few guesses.  
Most of them have to do with a very dynamic shift in my life when I chose to leave school (the second time) and chase money by working a ‘real’ job.  I’m not sure how the corporate greed monsters were able to sink their fangs into me quite so deeply, but it appears that I have never fully recovered.  Perhaps I can blame it on my immigrant roots; a 3rd generation Jew, who knows very little about her Jewish heritage, but seems to come by the ‘you haven't earned it unless you are exhausted and in pain’ motto with ease.  
I know I’m not alone here.
I also know that it doesn't really matter.
What DOES matter is that I have approximately three to five weeks left living in NYC, and I want to live them up.  What’s more, I have approximately three to five weeks of LIFE left living in NYC, and I want to live my LIFE.

​***

​I spoke with Rachael about this in our ELEVENTH SESSION...  

...capitalized for EMPHASIS because I cannot believe that we are almost done with our work -for now-, that it has been almost six months since we started, and that such radical shifts in my perspective has taken place.

We spoke about the fact that, while, for many days and nights and weeks on end since I have been here, I have done exactly what I needed to do; to sit by myself, watching TV or movies, ice cream in hand, and zone out.  Be away from the world.  Not have to take care of anyone, not have to relate to anyone, not have to see anyone or be anything to anyone other than kind and polite when the situation called for it, and then I could go right back to my hole, turn my brain off, and float away.  

This was an essential part of my time in New York and incredibly necessary for the recovery, growth and evolution of my soul.  I did what I needed to do, and I have no qualms about it.  But, just as a caterpillar must learn to fly once it comes out of the cocoon (pardon the sugary analogy), it is now time for me to -once again- enter the world of the living; the scary, exhilarating, unpredictable, brutal, painfully ugly and simultaneously breathtakingly beautiful world of the living, where people explore, adventure, dive deep, fly high, fall, get back up, and keep going…the world where people live.


“There is a difference between fun and contrast” Rachael said to me. 

​We were discussing her sense of some of my hidden beliefs.  Beliefs such as;  

 'there is no room for fun or spontaneity if I am simply at peace all of the time'
 -and- 
'I’m afraid that to live there full time (peace and ease) will be totally boring'…

​...when she suggested that it is possible that I repeat certain un-wanted behaviors because they give my life contrast.  Not because they feel good, or because they are fun, but because they give me something else to think about; something else to do, other than sit at home and meditate or go for long walks in the woods.  That, while I find great benefit in doing both of those things, I also have to honor the part of me that likes excitement and surprises and the thrill of the unknown.

There is a difference between fun and contrast. 
This made a LOT of sense. 
I went on to tell Rachael how I have recently been noticing a lack of desire to do things that -in the past- would have constituted as ‘fun’ (contrast), and how some part of me was feeling super disappointed by that.  As in, if I choose not to rebel against what I know is good for myself, then how the hell am I going to have any excitement?

Well, truth be told, sitting alone on a Friday night, eating pizza and watching Netflix, is not actually that exciting. 
And while it may have been NECESSARY for a good portion of the past seven months (since I got here), it’s not because it was FUN.   
​

…I’m trying to think of other examples but this one seems to be the most prevalent…​
​

...and it doesn’t really matter, because the idea is the same no matter what:

There is a HUGE difference between doing something because it is actually FUN vs. doing something just because.  

Fun is like sparklers in your heart. It is an altered state that creates the opening for joy.
Fun is adventure, and freedom, and something worth sharing, even if it is with a stranger. 

“You know fun” Rachael said.  “You know what brings you joy, and engaging with that vs. disengaging with everything that is here (NYC) is ACTUALLY how you want to leave New York.  It will actually make it easier.”

I get to have fun?...I do?...I DO!!!

I get to have fun!!! 

I GET TO HAVE FUN!!!

I laughed as I shared this new thought with Rachael, and though I’m not entirely sure what that means, the permission alone was enough to send my arms up over my head in excitement!

Rachael and I went on the discuss something else that felt like a mega lite bulb moment:
 
 "There is a difference between a disagreement and an argument."  

“And it feels really important for me to say that to you” she told me, as I laughed with relief into the phone.  
This made so much sense to me, that I could literally feel pounds of emotional weight melting away with her words.

Apparently, I have been holding onto an old belief that goes something like:

to be me
=
having an opinion
=
disagreement
=
argument
=
exclusion/fear for physical safety 

These thoughts have left me dishonest and resentful at times, and all to often have kept me from getting too close to the people that I love the most, for fear that I would inevitably lose them just by being myself...and that is a pretty lonely place to be.  
Not much fun there.  

​“You do not need to fear having a disagreement. It’s ok to disagree.  You can disagree without having an argument.   You KNOW when an argument is about to be born; you can sense it, and you can actively chose NOT to engage.
You are safe.  You have the power here.  Lean into your relationships, this does not need to stop you anymore.”

So simple, and yet so profound.  
It all reminded me of a moment in third grade when my father was trying to explain long division to me: I was terribly frustrated because I just did not understand, and my lack of understanding was halting all of my progress…and then…presto.  
For no reason that I can think of, it suddenly just made total sense.  Whatever needed to click, clicked, and everything fell into place. 
And once it did, it couldn’t fall out.  

​Fun and contrast are not the same thing. 

A disagreement and an argument are not the same thing.

It is ok to call things what they are…
It is ok to be honest about it…

Exercise:
Not really that fun, but feels GREAT and is TOTALLY necessary.


Vegging out in front of the TV after a really terrible day:
Not FUN, but probably necessary to turn the brain off and let the batteries re-charge.


Going on a beautiful hike with picturesque views and then treating yourself to a glass of wine and a great movie that you’ve been dying to see:
FUN!!!


Only sharing your opinion once you have finally convinced yourself that the person you are sharing your opinion with is a total jerk whom you no longer need in you life and therefor you do not run any risk of losing someone you love due to an argument caused by sharing your opinion:
NOT FUN.


Sharing an opinion and engaging in an intriguing dialogue with someone of a differing opinion, which ultimately brings you closer to that person:
not only potentially very fun, but also mind-opening and heart expanding!!!

​
​Spending five and a half months working with an incredible reiki practitioner who helps you dig out all of the emotion crap that you have been carrying around with you , and  wading though the muck that all that crap leaves behind: 
TOOOOOOOOOOOOOTALLY NECESARY, 
...not always so fun.


Coming to  the end of your journey, at which point you realize that all of that wading and waiting  has led you to the current moment; the moment in which you finally realize that you’ve done the work, and it’s time to celebrate:
SO FU*KING AWESOME, 
AND 
SO FU*KING 
F-U-N.
​

At the close of session eleven, I giggled.  I felt the sparks of excitement re-enter my body as I began to remember what it was like to go and do things just because they were fun.  Are fun.  
Drinking wine with friends.  Window shopping.  Baking cookies for other people.
Playing with sparklers.  
Going on adventures.
Laughing and drinking and being merry...
I love having fun.

---

​A toast to fun:

May we all have it,
May we agree to disagree when necessary, so as not to detract from it, 
and my we all open our hearts and our minds to the many places it may be hiding.

​Here’s to fun…    :-)

---

for more info on cteh-or- to work with rachael, click here!