The moment before:
I just dropped my father off at the train station after a whirlwind 24 hour visit.  My heart is heavy and I am sad to have realized just how much my jolly nature has been lying low as of late.  On the other hand, I am SO happy that my father was here, grateful to have had such a wonderful visit, and relieved to re-remember, yet again, another part of myself that seems to only come out to play in small doses here in NYC.  

​
​I am feeling sad enough that I almost don’t want to have a session…which is SAD…but naturally, I know better and am relieved to hear Rachael’s voice as soon as I answer her call.
She notes that my energy feels heavy and immediately inquires as to the state of my heart.  I tell her about my father’s visit, and she is quick to empathize, reminding me:
“Aren’t we so lucky to have parents that we love THAT MUCH?!”

​We are so lucky. 
I am so lucky to have two parents who have loved me as hard and as best they could, and still continue to do so, long after I have –essentially- flown the coop.

​
​I remember when I was younger; feeling like anyone who moved home to be ‘close to mom and dad’ was just a two bit hack who took the easy road because they didn’t have what it takes to make it on their own.  Now, I feel quite the opposite.  I would consider myself incredibly lucky to live in close proximity to my mother and father, especially when the day comes that I have a family of my own to take care of.  I want my children to know my parents; to soak in all the love and hard earned wisdom that they have acquired in their combined 135 years on the planet.  I want to continue to know my parents as they continue to evolve throughout the rest of their lives.  They are so incredibly dear to me and two of my absolute most favorite people on the entire planet, why WOULDN’T I want to be close them?

​This all came up in my session, right after the reiki, which happened right after Rachael asked me for my intention.  I gave her some long winded answer about wanting –nay- NEEDING to ‘be ok with being here’ (NYC) and praying to let go of whatever it was/is that keeps me feeling like I have one foot out the door, or like I am still not quite where I am supposed to be.

​Rachael draws my attention to the sensation of being trapped in the problem –energetically speaking, where I am constantly seeking a solution, and doing so with the same mindset that is creating/living the problem in the first place-, and requests that as she does the energy clearing, I let myself rise out of the problem, and feel for the solution.

​And with that, we begin.
(This part always makes me smile)
​
I lye back and hear Rachael say “Talk to you in a bit” following which she mutes the phone on her end and I drift off into a blissful cloud of nothingness.  I take a few deep breaths and instantly feel the rays of sunny warmth that I have come to associate with Rachael’s healing-powers wash over me, as the heavy, stale energy is lifted from my vibrational field.  Although each session is different, the essence is a lot like coming up for air after a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally long swim; 

​This process, which is referred to as energy tracing, is incredibly transformative.  It’s a conversation with your inner most knowing’s; the places inside of you that are totally tuned in with your heart and all of your senses, but are so frequently drowned out by all the life crap, that you really need a translator to communicate between the two worlds. 
Rachael is one such person.

​She worked for about fifteen minutes, following which she came back on line with a LOT of information to share with me about what I was experiencing internally.
This, I have lovingly come to refer to, as ‘Chakra talk’, and it is one of my most favorite parts of our sessions together.  Rachael goes thru each chakra (the energy centers of our body), clarifying what each one represents, and then sharing with me the particular message/s that are resonating within.
And if you’re still confused, picture it like this; 

Yes, I am absolutely terrified of making the wrong choice.  I feel like I have a destiny to fulfill, and that if I don’t stick to the right path and the right choices, I will screw everything up, my life will have been a waste, and I will never get anywhere.
​

That is EXACTLY how I have been interpreting that idea, and exactly how I have been feeling; like it is my job to find ‘it’ instead of trusting that ‘it’ is everywhere, and can find me wherever I choose to be. Essentially, feeling like it is MY job to do GOD’S work.  I do believe that this is what creates the sensation of running over one’s self to try and get a head.  Whatever we are seeking is seeking us, but when we turn around to make sure it’s coming, the shift in energy manages to push it away.  Keep moving forward, and you will inevitably run smack into what it is that you are after…or it will run smack into you.​

I love this.  I KNOW this.  How the hell did I forget SO much?  And how DO I want to feel?  Light and expansive, free, vibrant, buoyant and exuberant about life…to name a few.​

What do I need?
What do I want my day to look like and how do I want to set it up?
What is most important to ME?  What is my art?
What am I concealing?
These are some of the questions that have been on my mind since I last spoke with Rachael, and are whizzing around my brain this morning -like those flying pig-on-a-string things that you screw into your ceiling and fly in a circle over and over again- as I write what is my 12th entry of this seemingly experimental blog.  

​​In my last session with Rachael, she asked me a question that has stuck with me. 
A question, she said, that surfaced for her almost immediately as we were beginning our session.

The question was (on my behalf): “Am I being honest with myself?”

​
​I would venture to guess that –knowing Rachael- if the question came up, then the answer is probably worth investigating…
…and probably…“no”.

​So what am I not being honest about?  One thing comes to mind right off the bat; I originally started writing this blog with the semi-martyred intention of being helpful to other people, which has probably kept me a wee-bit safe in terms of its content.  I want to write things that are interesting and relevant to the lives of ALL human beings, and therefore, it is possible that I sometimes forgo the words I actually want to use for fear that I might scare away a ‘potential reader’... 

​Basically, I don’t always say what I want to say because I’m afraid of what people might think of me.
(This grows more and more ludicrous the more I re-read it; to be afraid of a thought.  As if a thought can jump out at you and slash you with its giant ‘thought machete’.  As if, thought.)

Recently, I have been listening to ‘Big Magic’ by Elizabeth Gilbert; the New York Times bestselling author of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ and some other stuff that no one really knows because she was the New York Times bestselling author of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’. 
‘Big Magic’ is one of those books that you listen to slowly, taking the time to absorb everything that you possibly can, often rewinding to make sure that you don’t miss anything.  Ms. Gilbert speaks all about the creative process, her unassuming life as a writer, and what it means to truly live a creative life.  In her writing, she confesses to choosing each of her words with scrupulous discernment, wanting them to be at their absolute best, in order to compose the most perfect sentence that she has ever written –until the next sentence- and so it goes, until she decides that the work is done and good enough, at which point she will edit no more.  Then, as all brave artist must do, she releases it out into the world, where it will be subject to criticism by anyone, everyone, or no one at all. 
She goes on to discuss that while an artist must be THAT dedicated and THAT passionate about their work, they must also be detached enough that they can throw the entire sentence/paragraph/manuscript/piece etc. away if it proves to be an ill-representation of their most burning desires. 

One of my favorite college professors used to call this approach being ‘passionately dis-passionate’, crediting the act of creation itself as essential to our evolution as human beings, regardless of what it is that we actually create.
​
Liz also speaks about intention in her book. 
Why do we do the things that we do? 
Why do artists make the particular art that they make? 
Why am I doing any of this writing, other than to fulfill a commitment that I made to Rachael and myself several months ago?

​So, why did I really start writing this blog?
To expose my own wounds before anyone else could?
Because I want to be doing something interesting and cool?
Because I want to show everyone that I am an interesting and cool person who does interesting and cool things…?
Because I want people to know that I’m a good writer so if I do indeed decide to start claiming that I AM a writer, people will not think that I’m full of shit?
So that people know that I am good at something besides performing…?
…..are we noticing a trend here? 

​Ouch.  That is honest, and it stings a little.  

​Here is Liz Gilbert’s take on the idea of making art for other people:

“PLEASE don’t make your art to help me.  Do it for you.  If it’s dark, do it to heal you.  If it’s funny, do it because YOU like to laugh at it, but please, oh PLEASE, do NOT make it to help ME.”

​​She then goes on to discuss the phenomenon that was ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ and her utter shock at selling ten million copies of a book that she wrote, mostly, to help herself.  Never, she says, had she intended to write that book to help other people or to prove anything to anyone.  If she had, odds are high that she would not have been able to speak so freely and authentically from her own, single, individual, tender and unique heart.  Her writing was incredibly honest and vulnerable and descriptive and self-deprecating and funny and lavish and gloriously messy  And, as fate would have it, caught the eyes and ears of 10 million others just like her, walking their own paths and taking their own journeys, happy and relieved to finally find the words to describe what they were going through…even if the words belonged to someone else.
​
I like to imagine Liz Gilbert as my creative mentor, instilling in me all of the wild and brilliant gifts that she has learned while living an authentic and creatively abundant life.  As my mentor, I would ask her about my writing and my deep need to help or please others with my art.  I believe, in turn, she would say something like this:

​So, I’m changing my format.  From now on, I vow to write what is in my heart, using only the words that I want to use, saying what I need to say, readers be damned!

​Honesty with the parts of me that aren’t certain of what they want, or who I am, and honesty with the parts of me that are.
Honesty with the parts of me that know full well that I do things for recognition and acclaim…
…and validation… 
…and love…

​Honesty with the reality that I do things to be seen and heard and to feel important.  Not that there is anything wrong with any of that…if we weren’t here to be seen and heard and loved and to feel good, then what would be the point?  But who is it that I really want to be seen and heard BY?  I could easily rattle off a list of childhood scars -who can’t?- but the TRUTH and most relevant point now-a-days is: the person that I REALLY want to be seen and heard by, is me.                                              

​I want to hear myself loud enough and clear enough to know what I want and what steps to take next.  I want to connect with the part of me that is absolutely clear on how the destination feels, and simultaneously totally open to whatever the road might look like.  And I want to have the guts enough to take myself on that journey, fears be damned.

​I want to live and breathe the adventure of my life with a heart full of trust in the Universe, and in myself.  And I believe that THAT –ALL of that- is what is waiting for me on the other side of my work with Rachael. 

​These are the messages that I have been receiving loud and clear since my last session with Rachael.
Follow your own rules.  
MAKE your own rules.  
Decide what you want your life to look like, and then live it. 
And if that changes, then live it THAT way, over and over again, forever evolving and supporting the infinite expansion of your beautiful soul.

​New York has given me a lovely backdrop on which to lose myself, where there is no one counting on me, but me.  No one cares what I do, because it’s New York.  No one cares what I look like, because it’s New York.  No one cares how I dress or how I choose to move or what time I go to bed, because no one really cares. 

Except for me. 

I care.

I care how I take care of myself, and I care for myself; not because of what I think OTHER people might be thinking, but because I care what I think.
I care how I feel.

These were not sensations that were on my personal radar when I started working with Rachael.  They were more like ‘potentially achievable goals’; rewards which had to be heard-fought and won. 
Now, twelve weeks later, I care about my personal integrity.  A Lot.  I care about my relationship with myself.  I care about honoring the vows I take and the commitments I make; to both myself and others, which means that they carry more weight.  The big rocks have started to make their way back into the bucket. 

‘All change happens in an altered state’.  
​-Tony Robbins.

​I always knew that someday I was going to have to get comfortable with being really uncomfortable, knowing that everything I wanted, both then and now, has been and will always be outside of my comfort zone.  I knew that I would have to face everything that I have been afraid of, and learn to be at ease with even the deepest and most treacherous parts of myself, if I truly wanted to know my own strength. 
To know myself, I would have to walk up to the dragon, open its mouth, and enter in, with nothing more than good intentions, and an iPhone powered flash light.
So, here I am.  In the mouth of the beast, where it is hot and humid and smells like trash.

Congratulations Morgan, you have arrived.                
(I actually arrived about six months ago when my flight to La Guardia Airport touched down at 4:40 pm on February 1, and I stacked my 130 pounds of luggage onto an airport push cart and schlepped myself into a taxi, and then up a flight of stairs (just one, thank you Jesus) and into my East Harlem bungalow.)

I’m here. 
Here in New York City. 
Here in the middle of my discomfort. 
Here in the place where my instincts told me to land. 
Here, in a place where deep and profound change seems to be happening every day.  Where internal and external shifts are expanding my brain, my heart and my gut in ways that I cannot fully explain, but are 100% real. 
There seems to be lots of endings, and ever present reminders to Wait.  Rest.  Sleep.  Meditate.   Take care of yourself because the moment you know what to do, you will do it.  And then shit’s probably gonna get ca-raaaazay…

So, here we are, just a touch past the half way point. 
The metaphorical closet is starting to fill itself once again, and I have the feeling that there will be many surprise additions along the way, and while I look forward to finding out what they are, I know better now than to try and rush them.
Perhaps the biggest surprise thus far is that nothing looks the way I thought it would 3 months ago,
but for the first time in my life,
I am starting to see who I really am.
And I really like it.


On to session 7!

The Moment before:
I am starting to feel like myself again.
I have had several intense sensations of deep love in my heart, and have noticed the tiniest tinniest part of me that is looking forward to once again, some day, being in a relationship.
Today is the half way point, so I am hoping for the scales to tip a bit in favor of ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’, and I am starting to investigate life from my perspective, as in; not what I feel like I am supposed to be doing, but rather, what is inside of ME that is wanting to be born?

Very excited to speak with Rachael, certain that the Holy grail of personal truth is bound to reveal itself today -at the half way mark- I eagerly take her call.  After taking a few deep breaths together, she asks me for my intention.

In response to my intention, Rachael tells me that she is feeling compelled to ask me to ask myself the following question:

I pause.  
​In a small, silent space within me, requiring the utmost precision to enter, something resonates.  

​​I know that I am doing some things that I don’t really care to be doing to support a life that I’m not sure that I want to be living (which is suddenly quite powerful now that I’ve written it down, and I don’t mean that I don’t want to be LIVING, just that I’m not sure that my current life choices are the ones that I want to stay committed to) but beyond that, I am unclear.

“Well, what do you know to be true, today?” Rachael asks.

​I know that I feel like I am just…kind of…waiting for something to happen.   I know that I am in yet another transition.  I know that I am working a job that is making ends meet, but falls short of any substantial contributions to my heart or my bank account.  I know that I am very lucky to being living rent free (until September).  I know that  I am feeling the need to do something to fix everything that could be a potential problem, and  I continually find myself caught in the loop of trying to fix those things through the only means I know possible;
working as a waitress, a receptionist, a nanny, or an actress.

​And I am feeling like
'an adult would DO something before she ends up broke and homeless',
​and I am also feeling like that
–everything that I just rambled on about in the last paragraph-
is the Voice Of Fear speaking 
-and-
I am afraid not to listen. 

​​I know that I would like to set my day up differently; that I would like to wake up and move with ease throughout the day; to write and hike have time to do those things. 
I know –and by ‘know’ I mean ‘have started to understand recently in a very real way’- that my only real job is to take care of myself.  That if all I manage to get done on any given day is to be kind to myself, to move my body in a way that feels good, to feed and nourish myself mindfully, and to laugh and spread a little love, that that it is enough. It has to be. 

I know that the only way to share my heart in ways that serve me, myself and others is to have a heart that is full enough to share.  To have a heart that is overflowing.  And
I know that the heart cannot overflow unless it is filled to the brim, and then some.

I know that I feel like I have been working backwards for a long time; running myself over in an attempt to get ahead, trying to solve the riddles of life from the outside in.
I know that I keep thinking about Broadway.
I know that I keep thinking about making more money.
I know that some part of me is terrified to do anything else because I’ve been doing the same thing for so long and I cannot, at the moment, picture what anything else might look like.

​Rachael’s next question: “What is the most important thing to you?”  

​​Here is where I got stuck, so we did some clearing...and then a crazy thing happened...

​​After we came back from the twilight zone, we discussed the clearing:
I saw a dark and gloomy, grey funeral; it was cold and misty and very heavy.  I felt some weird dragging energy coming out of the ground.
​That quickly dissipated, and I saw myself running through the woods with a big monster chasing after me...

and then suddenly, I stopped, turned around, and poked the monster in the eyes.  
I then started chasing IT, and realized that all that the monster wanted to do, was play with me.

​After that picture played out, I started to think about a potential opportunity to take a huge pay increase at my day job, in exchange –basically- for my soul.  I thought about all the cool things that I would be able to do with the money; all the other dreams I have had that could be fulfilled on a great big salary, and then I realized that I was thinking.  What I was hearing was not coming from my heart, but rather, it was chatter from my head, which –as Rachael pointed out- is an incredibly important part of being able to hear your personal truth; discerning between the heart and the head.

My brain was saying to me: 
​‘Money is a real thing! 
​You should respect the impulse to make more of it if that KEEPS coming up for you’.​

​
​My heart however quickly informed me that ‘serving my artistry’ (which costs me nothing) is what I long to do the most.  It also feels like the reason that I am organizing and boxing up all of my shit; because I’m realizing how little I actually need in order to do what it is that I actually want to do.  

​Granted, money is a real thing; a necessity to eat and pay the bills, but I feel like I am starting to cut my attachments to of all the extra things; things that I once felt were an essential part of whatever it was that I was letting define me, and now only seem to cloud my vision. 

​​If I am light and mobile and ready to fly, then all I’m waiting for is a great big NUDGE from the Universe in the right direction.
And the more stuff I get rid of –the more space I clear- the further and faster I can fly.  
In fact, right now, the idea of having only what I can carry on my back feels incredibly moving. 
After all, we are all that we have. 
All that extra shit is nice, but we can’t take it with us when we go.

​
​We can, however, take quality; the quality of our experiences here on this earth, the quality of our love and laughter, the quality of who we become as human beings.  
The quality and depth of my relationships is what sustains me now, more than the quantity.
(And WAY more than it has for the better part of my days.)
The quality of my work feels more important to me than its breadth.    
And conveniently, quality doesn’t ask for much, other than time and attention.

So, if I everything that I truly need in my life adds up to not much,
then I don’t need to make much,
and if I don’t need to make much,
then that opens up a lot of doors.
 

​My day job is not soul satisfying, but it pays enough and I get to spend a LOT of my time working on my writing (which is precisely what I am doing right now).  It forces me to go to bed early, which forces me to prioritize myself, which means that I am finally getting to spend a lot of time alone, reading and meditating, which is something that I have been wanting for years.  Because I go to sleep early, I can wakeup and exercise first thing in the morning when I have the energy, and not dread it all day.  Because the days are very similar in style, I am able to pay attention to the shifts that are happening inside of me.  Shifts in awareness that are helping me to see that; 3 months ago, when I first realized that I REALLY like to write and thought that I might want to get some kind of publishing or editorial job –but had ZERO experience- the Universe still managed to give me one.  I have written this entire blog post while sitting at my computer, at my desk, at my day job... where I get paid to sit at my computer at my desk…and write.  

​I get to write, and I’m getting paid.
I am a paid, writer.
We’re getting closer.
Cool :-)

​And while the big picture has yet to fully come into focus, I can see how I am continuing to receive what I ask for.  As Rachael reminded me, the Universe delivers –gently- only what we can digest and assimilate, each piece leading us closer to home. 

​My prayer to the Cosmos:
May I be blessed in my full life,
to 
love with a full heart, 
laugh with a full belly, 
and live my fullest potential.
And,
may I be SO full,
that I cannot help
but spill over
into the cups of those around me,
should they wish for fullness as well.
​

Until next time...

I have had almost three weeks to write this post, and I am writing it today -the morning prior to my 6th session with Rachael- and technically, I am late (I aim to write a piece every week).  I could have tried to write this piece a week ago, or even two weeks ago, having thought a lot about the various changes and events that have transpired in that time frame, but it was not until yesterday that it was actually ready to be written.

​​It would seem that: 

With patience and presence, it is effortless.  When I try to rush it, I end up modifying my work for days, until I am left with a finished product that is 180 degrees different from where it started and has taken me three times longer than necessary to complete.

Conveniently, this has also become a swell metaphor for life;
with intention and patience, the right thing will show up at the right time.

​I am pretty sure that this is something that I have always known to be true. 
Right along with the awareness that patience is a virtue –which- I have yet to fully cultivate.
​
​Regardless, I am very sure that –patient or not- all life works in cycles; 

​
Throughout the course of a human life in particular, I believe the cycle to be something like this:

​I have watched this cycle play out time and time again, but the recent increase in my personal understanding of its importance is completely based in and upon my work with Rachael.  Thanks to her, and whether I like it or not, I can no longer deny that there IS a divine order to everything in the Universe.  It is as if the scales have tipped juuuuust enough in favor of trust (a repeated reminder from Rachael), and the belief that life is going to turn out better than I could have ever imagined on my own.  

​Over the weekend, I finished reading the book ‘Wild’ by Cheryl Strayed; a personal account of her 100 day, 1100 mile hike along the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail) in an attempt to heal the ‘giant hole in her heart’ brought on by the untimely death of her beloved mother.  It was (and is) an incredibly moving tale of personal triumph, unwavering intention, trusting your instincts, and the incredible depth that we possess as human beings for both utter despair and gratitude.  Admittedly, I had to spend half of my reading energy, trying to ignore the impulse to sell everything I own, ditch my life, and run off to the woods for 100 days…my ego assuring me that THAT is certain to solve all of my problems.  

It was the sudden stream of thoughts that followed which came as a surprise.  At some point in my reading, I suddenly stopped, looked up, and thought to myself (as loud as a person can think):

​Allow me to explain:

For starters, I believe that the significance of Cheryl’s choice was in the decision to dive into an adventure with little knowledge of what she would find, and no instigating force other than a feeling telling her that it was what she needed to do.  Granted, she had lost her mother and her life was in shambles, but the choice to hike the PCT was really just that; a choice.  And she made it because something inside of her was telling her to do it; to engage with this great big ‘thing’ looming in the distance, knowing that the only way to get to the other side was by going through the middle.

So, she did.  And ​just like Frank, she did it her way; with more crap than she needed, less crap than she ACTUALLY needed, and a lot of help from a lot of strangers who showed her a lot of love in a lot of ways that she had never before experienced.  She did her best to plan, and her best to overcome the many, MANY hiccups along her journey that she could never have planned for.  She lost the trail, got lost ON the trail, got sidetracked by inclement weather, faced death, dehydration and various other obstacles, lost most of her toenails, hiked for miles in shoes made out of duct tape, and lived to tell the tale.  

Perhaps more importantly, at the end of her journey, she was no longer:

The woman with the giant hole in her heart. 
She filled it. 
​She knew it was there, she knew how to fix it, and that is what she did.

 And that is what happened; 
She got full.​

​Several years ago, led by a feeling telling me that it was what I needed to do, I made the choice to move to St. Louis.  I was not suffering the loss of a loved one (thank God), and it certainly was not hiking with bears and rattlesnakes and popping off black toe nails, but it scared me none-the-less.  Figuring out how to survive in a brand new city, moving in with a man I had never spent more than 5 days at a time with, and moving to a town where I had no friends, no family and no notion of how to get anywhere frequently reduced me to the trembling fits of a five year old that lost his or her parent at the grocery store.  

​However, day by day and gig by gig, I managed to figure it out.  I met people, who encouraged me to meet other people.  I networked.  I auditioned.  I got lost…a lot.  I worked for $10 an hour, on my hands and knees, re-finishing a bar top for a restaurant that was in business for less than 8 weeks.  I borrowed $400 from my parents so that I could buy a crappy green Chevy Cavalier for $800 with no air conditioning and an exhaust pipe that was held up by a wire coat hanger.  Her name was Polly; the little green monster, she lasted me almost a year, and I cried as I watched her get towed away to her final resting place. 

​I remember literally shaking the first time I accepted a gig as a choreographer.  My heart racing as I taught 45 unsuspecting high school students an entire musical’s worth of choreography that I had made up in my kitchen. 
Learning to call myself a choreographer was almost as scary as actually being a choreographer, and the same thing happened when I became a director, a voice teacher, a gainfully employed professional actress, a studio owner, a manager, a consultant, and the list goes on…
When I broke up with my boyfriend and had no idea where I was going to live…                                               
When I moved back in with my parents for 8 months so I could ‘help them’, knowing deep in my heart that it was the other way around…
And all of the other endeavors I undertook that pushed me FAR beyond my comfort zone.
In each and every one of those moments, I would have been SO much more comfortable on a trail, in the middle of nowhere, with every single thing I owned strapped to my back…but I wasn’t.  I was with my fear and I was smack dab in the middle of it. 

​When I decided, in the face of my biggest and baddest dragons, to move back to New York City…
I stood with my fear. 

Leaving New York in search of something I couldn’t quite name, and then returning to New York led by the same feeling that took me away in the first place which means I probably have NO clue what I’m in for;
THAT scares the shit out of me. 

Feeling like the ground is shifting beneath my feet and I don’t know if something incredible is coming up or if I am going to fall in…
that feels scary as heeeeeeeell.

​Why the fear has been there -or even the fact that is has- is of little importance to me now.  What IS important to me is the realization that all the while, while I have FEARED my fear, and been AFRAID that it might stop me from doing any number of things –that it might, literally, kill me- it hasn’t.  I could always feel it, threatening to tornado my ass with every new choice or unknown outcome, but that’s all it ever was; a threat.  It never destroyed me.  It never even stopped me.

​​Now, I am back in New York, where it all began. Back in New York,
after spending several years gathering bits and pieces of myself along my journey (step 1),
then, promptly forgetting most of them as soon as I got here (step 2),
​only to re-discover –hopefully- all of those things that I forgot that I knew…with the intention of not forgetting them again.  (…step 3.) 

​Scratch that…I LOVE to hike.  I love to be in nature…in the open air… enjoying the scenery and the wildlife -be it the top of a snow capped mountain, or the top of a really large hill that overlooks the Hudson River and the West side Highway (see above)- I still love it.

How I forgot this, I have no idea.
​
It’s probably because there aren’t a lot of mountains in NYC… but I’ll be damned if they don’t do their best.  And while I’m not sure when my next BIG hike will be –I am currently fantasizing about hiking the Grand Canyon at New Years- I have chosen to train regardless; to put heavy weights in my backpack, and hike the treadmill.  To find the hilliest parts of Manhattan, and run them over and over again.  Not because I know I will be somewhere with mountains any time soon, and not because it’s the most tolerable form of exercise I can muster,
but because I remembered that it’s what I do.  I hike.  I climb shit.  It’s part of my soul.

​​And I am working with Rachael, which leads me to believe that I am headed out on a NEW journey.
I don’t know exactly what it will look like, but if the last couple of years are any indication, I would venture to say that it will be nothing like I planned, and everything that I don’t even know that I need.
​
It feels so very good to remember.

​Doesn’t it?

The moment before:
THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING!! 
I am NOT where I am supposed to be and this is NOT what I am supposed to be doing!

I am terrified that I have missed the mark and screwed everything up somehow.

And yet, in true Gemini fashion, I also find myself wondering:
What changes inside of me if I change that thought to;
‘I am exactly where I am supposed to be.’?
​

It is frequently the case that at the beginning of my sessions with Rachael, I am uncertain of my intention, either because I haven’t thought much about it until she asks, or because I have SO many ideas dripping from my neurons that I cannot pick just one.
Not this time.

​​This time, I knew exactly what I wanted. 
“I want to know what I want and where I want to be doing it.” 
​
BAM.  ‘Nuff said.  Enough dicking around and pattering between this heart’s desire and that soul’s calling.  I have been oscillating back and forth between ideas quicker than a high speed fan in the summer heat of New York City.  I have moved so frequently for the past 5 years, that I am concerned that I don’t know how to do anything else…kind of like a hamster stuck in a broken wheel; she knows it’s broken but she isn’t sure what else to do and she is scared that if she gets off, that little fat kid who likes to pick her up and squeeze her, is going to want to pick her up again.  

As we worked, Rachael shared with me her story of making several moves over the course of several years; a time span in which she allowed herself to make a choice and then re-evaluate based on what felt right –without judgement- and included booking a Broadway show while living in California.  She shared with me her knowingness that she was not quite ready to stay in one place, until she was.  And when she was ready, she knew it.
She described this time in her life as ‘picking up little bits and pieces of herself along the way’…an idea that really resonated with me.  As we discussed those bits and pieces, along with her eventual realization that she was totally where she was supposed to be and her immediate willingness to stop living like a nomad, I began to feel hopeful.  I began to connect with a deeper place inside of myself that is still not completely certain of why or how long I am meant to be in New York, but that I will know for sure when it is time to make my next move, and what that will mean.  

​ “Why did you move to New York” Rachael asked me. 

“I had an instinct, I think” I tell her.  “I spent all of last summer with people telling me all kinds of kinds of nice things about me.  (I’m easily moved by flattery) I heard this little voice say “I think it’s time to move back to NY” and I just knew - or at least felt like- that was what I needed to do. And I thought ‘I’m gonna’ go back, go to a couple auditions, I’ll book my show, do my show, have the experience, lay it to rest, and then I can leave and move on to what I really want to do’”

“Which is what?” she asked.

“Something to do with being a humanitarian; some kind of problem solving and people-something...writing. Working with people and helping them feel better.”

“How has acting prepared you to do something like that?”

​ACTING  HAS  TAUGHT/ALLOWED  ME  TO:
-              Throw myself into scary situations non-stop.
-              Adapt quickly to different situations.
-              Study humanity by studying characters.
-              Study and work with people.
-              Learn and regurgitate information instantaneously.
-              Teach others.
-              Study my own humanity.
-              Get in touch with my own junk (which allows me to be less afraid of other people’s junk).
-         Not have any fear of standing in front of thousands of people on stage and saying “hey, how is everybody doing??” That’s a scenario I find very exhilarating.

​But I really want that Broadway paycheck…

​
​And I want to do something that feels cool and is FUN and has the ability to connect me with a LOT of people. 

And I want to be fulfilled.

​As we rode the high of my seemingly unhindered channeling of personal truth,
Rachael asked me what I DO want.

“I want to share MY story and MY journey in a way that empowers others to do the same thing because I believe that that is truly the path to universal healing and the self-inflicted shame epidemic.”

Woah, cool.

“And I see now how that could lead me all over the place and into all sorts of different arenas to do my work.”

Also cool.
Traveling and sharing my story, that sounds cool. 
Doing it in a manner that allows other people to do the same…that sounds fulfilling. 

​I’m certain it would be very exhilarating to perform on a Broadway stage. 
I am certain that at the moment, when I think about being committed to a show 8 times a week for nine month, it feels cold, fat and heavy.
I’m certain that I am scared to write about my wavering feelings because I believe that I am giving my words more power by writing them down and more power still by sharing them. 
Maybe it’s less about the dream and more about how I associate with it. 
​How much power I give it and how big I make it. 
​
Maybe the dream is trying to play itself out, and I am too busy judging it to notice.​

​Maybe I just don’t know yet.
​

​What I do know is this: there is space inside me now where there wasn’t before.  I am having moments of peace and calm -unlike anything I have previously experienced- in each day, and they are profound no matter how long they last. 
I know that I want to help a lot of people to feel heard and hopeful and taken care of, the way that Rachael makes me feel helped and heard and taken care of.  I want to do that.  I want to connect with people and feel tremendous joy and gratitude for each day. 
And I want to be really well paid, so that I no longer need to split my energy. 
And I want to travel.

This morning, I wrote a letter to myself;
to an old dream for my life that I have been holding hostage,
​which has now completely out grown ME, and is taking up way too much space in my body.
​

​
Dear Morgan,
               
                Oh thank you thank you thank you for setting me free!  I have been trying for years to break free from inside of you so that I may grow and evolve to match the rest of the phenomenally beautiful creature that you have become.  That feeling of ‘squirming and wriggling like a worm on a hook’ that you have been feeling; that has been ME, attempting to sky rocket out of you so that I may finally stretch my wings and show you what a beautiful creature I have grown into.  You do not need to send me away, dear friend, as I am YOUR dream and will forever encompass all that you might ever desire to be, but you DO INDEED –YES!- need to release me.  Set me free from the harness by which you have been holding me captive.  The part of you that can’t breathe; that is me- having out grown my surroundings (your insides) and having no place to go.  The expansion that you have been experiencing in your belly…that is me; a new dream, a new baby waiting to be born.  So let me come.  Let me happen.  Invite me into the bright lights of day in the outside world so that I may share myself with all parts of you and everything and everyone around you.  Let me free so that you may see how beautiful I am- how beautifully you have created me to be.  It is time, almost.  Almost time.  You will know when to start pushing because your body will not be able to do anything else.  I am fully grown, and I look forward to meeting you face to face.  Thank you for carrying me for all this time.
 
                                                                           Signed,
                                                                                All the love in the world; your new dream

The moment before:
I have literally JUST returned from a week in sunny California for the wedding of my best friend.
I am exhausted, under-slept, emotionally and spiritually full and simultaneously incredibly sad.
I got back to my apartment five minutes before Rachael called...

​My intention:    Clear it up. Clarify. Clarification.  Essentially, to get organized.

​​The last time Rachael and I spoke, my intention was to get clear.  This week, I would like to get organized.  I compare this to the final stages of closet clean-out; the closet is empty, you have decided what is staying and what is going, and now it all needs to be folded or bagged or boxed etc. in preparation to be shipped away for good. 

And then you have to actually let it go.

Rachael mentioned that an intention such as this one can take a second…or two... to really navigate its way through all the facets of your life.  ‘Get organized’ covers a lot of bases.  Get organized with my feelings; how I feel about life currently and how I would like to feel moving forward.  I understand that feelings are not really under my control, but what I do to contribute to their creation, is.  Get organized with what I am wishing to create, and how I want to spend my time and energy.  I have just come from a weekend filled with love, family, celebration, sunshine and space.  It all felt so good and reminded me that I desire each of those elements in my life as a foundation, rather than as an occasional respite.

Rachael and I chat about this briefly.  We discuss the new space I have opened up internally; ideally it is space to be filled with the elements listed above, and we also discussed my fear that the space might close up if I don’t work diligently to keep it open…which I feel like I am constantly trying to do.  It’s like there is a little Wonder Woman inside of me, who is using all her might to keep the mouth of a cave from collapsing.  If I don’t hold it all together, it will all fall apart.  If I stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, it will crush me.  If I let go, I might actually die.

As she shares this image with me, her voice grows stronger and stronger, and she begins to laugh –with me, not at me- for the realization that I don’t need to work so hard, and all the stress I cause myself in thinking that I do.

“It is safe to let it all go” she tells me, “the space that you have opened is open and will stay open.”

I felt my shoulders drop. 
Somehow, I know that we are at a turning point.

..​I have felt like a discombobulated, irresponsible, flaky artist for so long that it feels ‘out of character’ or ‘un-artistic’ to have my shit together.
​
And with that, we both take a deep breath, and the clearing begins...​

Crown- There was the vision of me attempting to hold space with no need.  Is this something you can ask the Universe to be responsible for?
I am working on trusting and engaging with the Universe as a friend.  Issues with trust seem to be presenting themselves a lot.

Third Eye- You have evidence and proof and a clear feeling that you CAN function as the person you want to be/person you have now FOUND yourself to be (big exhale /sigh of relief at the moment this came in…and then the sirens came!!!)
My weekend in California and my maid of honor duties reminded me that I am super capable of being largely responsible for gigantic and important things, and also, that managing those gigantic things comes very naturally to me.  My inclinations to be loud and bossy actually serve quite well in the appropriate situations, especially when I TRUST myself.

Throat- What feels scary/like it’s going to come crashing down? (big sigh)
Food/exercise
Clothing
Broadway… there is fear that you can’t engage with your artist dream “responsibly”…whatever that means.
There is fear within me that I do not know how to engage with these things in a healthy manner.  That my relationship with them has been unhealthy for SO long, that I no longer TRUST myself to engage responsibly.
 I.e.;  be mindful of my diet/exercise because I want to be healthy vs starving myself and over exercising to look a certain way.  TRUSTING that I know when I need to buy new shoes vs being terrified that I am somehow going to manage to spend all of my money on shit that I don’t need and once again be broke and need a bail out. 
Choosing to pursue life in the arts because I WANT to…if and when I want to…vs letting it define me or validate my existence.  No longer expecting a gig or a contract or anything outside of myself to fulfill me, and also embracing the reality that theatre is a really cool job, but it is a job none-the-less, and having one does not eliminate the need for overall happiness and fulfillment from a life full of love and gratitude.
TRUSTING that I am enough as I am, thin/round/new shoes/old shoes/Broadway star or Bee keeper.

Heart-“You have worked to get here…you can let go...It can be easy”
Terror!  Terror!  Terror!  My ‘work hard and prove yourself worthy of being happy’ complex really feels threatened by this one.

​Solar-Holding tight on specific next moves/the form…instead, follow the feeling. You have no idea where the path will lead you. Keep breathing.
I have been obsessed with trying to ‘figure it out’.  I have been working backwards, trying to guess where I THINK I might want to be in ten years, and going backwards from there vs listening to how I feel now and trusting what I already know to be true….and then getting deeply  quiet, listening to what is in my heart, and making choices based on what feels good.

Sacral- Deep knowing and grounded understanding that you can have and create whatever you desire.
“Manifestation is key… Manifestation is fun…Manifestation is powerful...our thoughts are powerful. Our energetic mindset is powerful. We are powerful. Be careful and intentional in –and- expressive with your power.”
I understand this, I believe it, and I know it to be true.  I also know that all too often I get discouraged by the opinions of those who don’t.  Also, I get very overwhelmed at the thought and reality that I really CAN create anything…so what do I wish to create?

Root- It feels like emerging from a plane crash, like….am I really okay? Is everything really okay?...Everything is okay….whoa….can I trust this?
I have been so profoundly taken care of over the past three years.  So many situations have crossed my path that I had no idea how to handle, and the answer/home/finances/job/person/place/thing has always showed up.  Always.  I am not crazy to trust –at this point, with the mountain of evidence stacked in Universal favor, I would be crazier NOT to- but it does make me nervous.
I can trust.  I can trust that it’s all good. 
That I have the answers. 
That I am connected to my heart, and that the Universe DOES know what I desire most.

No need to have it all figured out, just take loving actions, and trust…

​At the close of our session, I told Rachael that I felt like I was the captain of a giant ship that had just left the dock.  That I was finally on my way, on my journey, cutting ties with the past and sailing off into my future with no GPS…just good ol’ fashioned instincts, which I will now need to trust more than ever.

I have no clue where I am going, but I know that I will get there a lot faster now than I would have before.
​I am already excited for my next session.

My current state of being without much explanation:
I am messy and ungrounded.  I am at a loss.  Everything is out of my body and up in the air, which is a wild feeling.  Mostly, I feel like I am reaching for something to grab onto, but when I can let myself breathe into the madness of it all…it is kind of exhilarating.  I am scared of all the unknowns and scared to rest.  Scared to take the summer off from really trying to DO anything major with my life for fear that if I stop pushing, life will stop happening.  
​

So, I’m back in New York for the third time in my life; a place that hastraditionally been all about Broadway.  As in; Broadway or bust/Broadway is the only reason I’m here/once I get on Broadway, I will be free to leave/happy/fulfilled…
However.
I haven’t been to an audition in probably a month.
I haven’t exercised in just as long.
I am working as a receptionist and part-time nanny.
I feel totally confused and afraid not to care or worry.
I feel reeeeeally tired. 
I feel like I got back to NYC and picked up right where I left off as a 27 year old and am now, once again, swimming through a crater sized lagoon of my old pit-falls;

​...an excellent question, and one that I keep asking myself. 
For years, I have been running this track.  Feeling not enough, then doing a bunch of things that I think will make me enough, only to find myself totally exhausted and continually unsatisfied…and still, not enough.

​My mother has a great saying about this.  It goes something like;  “we continue to fall into the same holes over and over again, only to dig ourselves out and fall right back in… until one day, right before we are about to fall in for the umpteenth time, we manage to stop, look at the hole and say “ooooh NO!  No, I see you hole, and I will NOT fall in you again…”, at which point we proudly step over or around said hole, and in the midst of doing the happy dance of joy for not falling in  A-GAIN, we trip on our heels, and fall straight into a NEW hole.”  

​I believe this is called life.  I do not believe that we ever escape the holes.
However, I DO believe that they get fewer and further between as we venture out into the great unknown, and that these giant potholes have great lessons to teach us… at least the first time. 
Maybe the second time.  And the third time.  And the fourth?
I am starting to wonder how many times I have to fall into the same holes to learn not to fall into them again.  How many times will I have to ask myself the same questions about what I really want?  And why do I insist on making everything so hard on myself?  My mother would like to know the answers to this almost as much as I would….

How can I be doing all of this spiritual work, and still keep repeating the same choices that I know do not lend themselves to positive results?  Choices about how I take care of myself, the way I think about myself and how I interact with others etc. 

​I have been pursuing enlightenment in one form or another for many years now, and it is only recently that I have begun to stop and question my motives.  It has always felt like the obvious choice -to pursue enlightenment VS not pursuing enlightenment- but why?  To find the magical key that fits in the magical lock, which once turned, will reveal my true and magnificent self?  The self that no longer needs to fall into the same holes, but can -as my mother suggests- “sprout wings and just fly over them…”?  

​
​This week, I really started to wonder.  
I wrote to Rachael about this. 
I confessed that when I asked myself why I was doing all of the work that I am doing, I was a bit shocked at the answers that were coming up;
-To be skinny.  I want to be enlightened, because enlightened people are skinny and easy breezy and unattached to trivial pleasures.  
-To finally be on Broadway, so I can say that I’ve done it and be free to get on with my life.
(I know there is more underneath the surface here, but the sheer terror at THOSE being my first two answers were enough to stop me in my tracks.)

​Rachael’s response:
​“Question for you: Have you now stopped to ask yourself the true answers to both of these questions??
*Why do you seek spiritual enlightenment?
Why do you want to be an actor/performer/whatever word most resonates with you? 
 
(*If you only answer one of these, answer this one. Chances are your answer to the actor question will be deeply related to the answer to the spiritual enlightenment question :) )”
 
SO, I stopped to ask myself the true answers to my questions.
 
-I want to be enlightened because…to me, enlightenment = freedom.
-I want to be an actor/performer/whatever because… at the root of that thing, there is fearless self expression.  There is freedom.
 
…and it continues…

A fit and healthy body represents freedom.
Following dreams represents freedom.
Allowing dreams to change and following new dreams represents freedom;
The freedom to be who I want to be.  The freedom to be who I already AM.
The freedom to go where I want to go. 
The freedom to live a life of my choosing, and not feel the need to explain myself. 
The freedom to be happy without apology.
The freedom to just be. 

​
​I want it.  And I can feel it inside of me, trying to break loose, while simultaneously being repressed by my circumstances and the belief that I am not yet _________ enough to be free right now.  As I am. 
The belief that because I am not _________ enough; I don’t deserve it; freedom.
The belief that I have not yet worked hard enough to earn it; freedom. 
And, perhaps most importantly, the belief that freedom exists somewhere outside of myself.

​As all of this is coming to light, I am also noticing something else. 

When Rachael and I first started this work, I didn't have any room inside of me.  What I mean by this, is that I was full of old stories and beliefs about myself -most of which were not serving me- and there was no room for new and good to enter into my life. 
This week, I have had the strangest feelings.  I have felt myself expanding from the inside out, almost as if I am outgrowing my old shell -much the same way a turtle does- from the inside out.  A turtle does not pick a new shell every 6 months and then grow INto it, but rather, the shell continues to grow as the turtle expands inside of it.  And you're welcome for the turtle analogy. 
But for real.
It feels like the space inside of me is expanding.  Pushing against the outer walls, blowing me up like a balloon that is certain to pop, leaving limitless room for growth and opportunity in its wake.  

And suddenly, it is beginning to hit me; this is it.  This is the work, working.  

If you want to bring something into your life, there has to be space for it.  If you want to invite a new friend over to play, you have to throw out all of the clutter you’ve been hoarding so that you have space for them in your home -or in extreme cases- so that you can even get the front door open.
If you want to pick up a leaf off the water, you must be still and open your arms…only then can it come to you.  Anything else causes a ripple effect, sending the leaf further and further into the middle of the pond.  Again, for the analogy, you’re welcome :-).   
I want to be free.  I am ok with that.  I want to be free, I want to feel free, I want to float around -free- in this sacred new space for a hot second and get to know it before I fill it with  a bunch of awesome new shit.  ONE nice red sweater, instead of 6 from the different phases of my life.   ONE pair of nice, comfortable, black flats.  They might be a bit more expensive, but I will wear the crap out of them and they will be totally worth it. 

Nice, high quality goods.  Nice, high quality beliefs.    

Only what I need, and only what makes me feel good.

Free of the need to be free, and in its place, the belief that I already AM.

The moment before:
I lay asleep on a rock in the sunshine of central park.
I am exhausted from a week spent working two jobs.
I have been averaging 4-5 hours of sleep per night –sometimes less- and I have the sinking feeling that what just a week ago SEEMED like a good idea (to work two jobs all summer and stash a ton of cash) is actually going to leave me fat, sick and broken.

​It is Thursday and an hour at which Rachael does not normally take clients.  However, due to my current state of affairs, she has made an exception, and squeezed me in.  Thank God.
 
I answer her call with a pleading “RACHAEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL……” which she seems to find quite amusing.  I am SO happy to speak with her.  I think she can sense this by my tone and the elongated crying out of her name.  She greets me with a great big “He-LLOOO!” and a chuckle, and we begin.

​What this means:  Let go of everything that is not working –without question or pause as to WHY it isn’t working- just take/give myself permission to let it all go.
 
What’s not working:  Being attached to a man that is many miles away.
What’s not working: Working two jobs for the money-NOT for my soul- which is leaving me ZERO time to take care of my soul and costing me money because I also have no time to cook or do laundry.
What’s not working:  Doing a poor job at taking care of myself.
What’s not working: Living in fear that I have lost touch with my greatest desires because I have left no space for them in my life.
What’s not working: The fear that in wanting to be of service to others, people are going to discover that I am a fake…whatever that means…which is keeping me from being of service to others.
What’s not working:  Everything feels broken.  In pieces.  Fragmented. It’s as if my closet has been ripped apart (click here for more on the closet analogy), and now I am sitting amidst the heaps of crap that have been pulled out –most of which I don’t even want anymore- and it is all just piled up on my bed where I am seeing it all as an adult for the first time.
 
WHY IT’S NOT WORKING:  Because all of it is keeping me from myself. From living my best life.  From being available to the people I love, and from being available to myself and the callings of my heart.
From doing the work that I am here on the planet to do.
 

​Rachael and I move into our pre-clearing conversation. 

​I tell her about my two jobs;
-By day, I am a receptionist at a financial investment firm in a beautiful and relatively quiet office.  We are 30 floors up and just south of Central Park, so my ‘office view’ is ALL of Manhattan.  It is stunning, and I get to spend most of my time at the computer, working on my own projects.
-By night, I am working as a waitress at a very busy and very dark Greek restaurant in the East Village.  It is hectic, chaotic, and filled with people who are younger than me.  It gets me home at about 2am, following which I have to wake up 4 hours later to get to my day job.  It is quickly burning me out and sucking my soul.  My feet hurt, and my entire body is swollen.

​
I tell her that;
-I originally had great intentions for working two jobs.  I felt very proud of my capacity to push myself, and felt as though I was doing myself a big favor by making a bunch of money at whatever cost (pun not intended).
-I can feel my initial ‘light of inspiration’ dimming behind a cloud of exhaustion.
- I am proud of myself for doing what needs to be done; making some quick cash to get myself through a tight spot.
- I am quickly starting to understand that while I will never grow out of the need to take care of myself –even if it means swallowing my pride to do so- I have also reached a point in my life where working as a waitress feels TOTALLY out of alignment with…everything.
-While my ego may not be terribly excited about being a 32 year old receptionist/waitress, what I am MORE concerned about is my heart and soul, and their calm and gentle reminders that I have a mission on this planet and that the time to be of service is now.
(And the service I speak of does not involve pouring beers or slinging fries.)

​Rachael immediately inquires about the waitressing; 

“What’s the darkness at the restaurant gig?” she asks.

“It is literally dark in the restaurant” I tell her.  “I feel so old even saying this, but the lights are super dim and I have to squint to look at the computer screens.   It is also very busy, and every time I go into work, it feels like I have to take a great big deep giant breath and hold it…for 8 hours. Some part of me knows that if I let myself stop and acknowledge what I’m doing, that I might scream…and then implode.”

She goes on to inquire as to why, when I have graciously been offered a house-sitting gig in a beautiful neighborhood for the summer (I have graciously been offered a housesitting gig in a beautiful neighborhood for the summer), why did that miracle of time and space push me to think that my next best decision would be to press the pause button on everything I have been wanting for my life and the momentum I have been building, and spend all summer working 80 hours a week, NOT enjoying the beautiful miracle of time and space?!

​We also discussed romantic relationships and the recent emergence of an old love -bringing with it some much needed healing- as well as the awareness that I want to feel that way about someone else again, someday.  I want to know a love that is equal to –if not greater than- the greatest love of my life (so far).
 
Rachael mentioned that perhaps, as relationships tend to bring us closer to ourselves, what I am really wanting is to feel great love within myself first-and-foremost…

​
​“Anything else you want to add?” she asks.  “What are you really wanting?  What do you feel like you’re REALLY needing?”
 
Simultaneously, we both exclaim; “CARE”. 
 
-My ‘self’ is needing care.  BIG time.
-Also, I have a ‘work hard’ complex; ‘work your ass off just because you can’.
-And finally, what I am doing is NOT sustainable, so what is the intention?  Why am I doing what I am doing?  Why am I letting certain things go and taking on other things that still don’t feel aligned?  Perhaps I am just uncomfortable with the space in my newly excavated closet?
 
I tell her “It feels like life is saying ‘Where are you?  We’re over here, waiting for you!  Where did you go?  WHERE ARE YOU????’” --at some point in the past 4 weeks, I caught a glimpse of my life -the way I want it to feel- and then I shoved it back in the closet, turned off the light, and locked the door.

“It’s ok” she says, “everything you have done so far is still within you.  Nothing is lost.” 
Again, I thank God.
 And with that…we begin.

​I know in the moment, that my heart is the place with the greatest leak, and Rachael’s magical powers will head there first to patch it up. 
The visuals were stunning.
I closed my eyes, and immediately saw my heart.  It was a giant cavernous room, covered in cob webs. It was grey and dusty, and constructed of paper thin walls that were full of holes.  It was in desperate need of repair, and obvious that the owner left long ago and never returned to perform proper maintenance.  There was a woman inside the room.  She was old and frail, dressed in rags and almost bald.  She was on her knees, head-in-her-hands-weeping; completely distraught and alone, with no one to help her and nowhere to go.  I started to cry.  Her sadness was visceral and so so real. 
Of course it was.   
Her pain and loneliness was my pain and loneliness.
Her sadness was my sadness. 
She was me. 
Is me; the part of me that is in charge of my heart and soul; the part of me that knows the truth, from the lies.
She is the captain, and she has been attempting driving the boat –alone- for years; run ragged trying to get my attention, and I –in turn- have repeatedly abandoned her.  I have ignored her, belittled her, choked her and smothered her when she cried out the loudest. 
I have never done this on purpose.
It has simply been a stronger need for external validation than for internal wisdom that has kept me from listening to her pleas for help. 
Where that need comes from, I don’t exactly know.
It is probably for a whole different blog post, but I am certain that it is Universal, and that learning to live along side of it is a lifetime in the making.
 
As I continued to watch the woman mourn, I felt tears roll down my cheeks.  I sat with her for a moment and watched as a warm, dry breeze kicked up some dust from the floor below, sending it swirling into the clouds over head.
Suddenly, in a display of stunning special effects –similar to the ones at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the entire staff is transformed back into their previous selves- I watched as the walls filled with color from the ground up.  They seemed to flush, with vibrant hues of red and gold, breathing life back into the room like new blood coursing through an old vein.  The holes in the walls disappeared, and the woman who had sat weeping before me, stood up, radiant and strong, and jumped on the back of some sparkly large-winged creature that swooped in and carried her off into the sky, long brown hair billowing in the wind.
 
It felt glorious…and that’s about all I can remember (visually) from our session.  (Probably because I have been getting very little sleep, and was lying on a big warm rock in Central Park as Rachael was working her magic.) 
 
When I came to, she debriefed me on what else she had discovered.

​Crown- Where do you live in all this?  (As in, where are MY desires amidst all the work I am doing and all of the other people I am thinking about every day).  It is WAY too exhausting for ‘BECAUSE I CAN!”
 
Yes.  I am exhausted.  And while I have learned all about what I am capable of by arbitrarily committing to things and seeing them through, it is becoming painfully obvious to me that this pattern does not make for a life full of joy and passion.
 
3rd EYE- Not feeling quite right…what’s the darkness in the night job?
As previously mentioned; it is literally dark.  Hard to see.  Also, feels like I am choking/drowning.
 
Throat- Allow yourself the freedom to CHANGE YOUR MIND!!!!!!!!!! (She made sure to let me know that this one came at her like a giant exclamation)  Feeling of stuck drowning…
 
I have a stigma about breaking commitments.  I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind once I set out to do something –that changing my mind makes me a failure or a flake or too weak- so I often find myself BURIED in a whole of my own making because I was too stubborn to jump out while it was still shallow enough to do so.
 
Heart- omg so tired. “This is not what I asked for…”  What are the pieces that are what I asked for? Keep these, let the rest go.
 
Omg, YES I AM SO TIRED.  And NO, this is NOT what I asked for- the maintaining 80 hours a week and getting no sleep and being miserable part.  What I DID ask for was ease; a job I like enough that pays my bills and provides me the space and time to figure out where I want to put my energies.  Also, super affordable summer housing…both of which I got.  So hold on to those two, and let the rest go; the need to make a TON of extra money, the weird pride attached to killing myself in the process of making all the money, my attachment to having a ton of extra money because I don’t trust that I can make it doing something that I ACTUALLY want to work 80 hours a week for.
 
Solar- Going because I can. Resilience…important to remember, but at what cost?
 
Big pat on the back for even attempting to do what I am doing this week.  For acknowledging that I needed to make x amount of dollars in x amount of time, and doing what I needed to do to get that done.  Note to self: I’ve got your back.  Another note to self: once the crisis is over, you do not have to keep living like you are still in crisis.  I can certainly ‘prove’ something to myself by maintaining a torturous schedule all summer, but at the cost of my health, my happiness, and everything I want to utilize and practice to cultivate a life of ease.
 
Sacral- feeling of putting a lid on greatest desire.
 
Yup.  The repeated thought in my head has been “ok.  We are just going to push the pause button on life and progress for the summer, and pick it all back up in the fall…”.  Only recently have I started to acknowledge that this means I will be exactly where I am now.  Even if I DO have extra money in the bank, I will still be spiritually BROKE.
 
Root- Remember you have the ability to create grounding that feels good to you! You do this by doing individual things that feel good to you and building upon that.
 
Is it possible, that I can grant myself permission to live a simple life this summer?  Meaning that I don’t spend too much money, I get a lot of rest, do a lot of yoga,  read a lot of books and write a lot of books and enjoy drinking wine on my temporary roof top and taking weekend trips to local places like people DO who have normal/sustainable lives and normal/sustainable schedules?  Am I allowed to let it be THAT simple?  It feels WAY too easy.  And I have always felt pretty lame about the word ‘easy’.  However, if my aim is to cultivate a life of EASE, then perhaps the Universe is giving me exactly what I need.  Perhaps the work that I am SUPPOSE to be doing has NOTHING to do with the actual WORK that I am doing, and EVERYTHING to do with how I am going about DOING it.

​There was so much comfort in this information.  So much comfort in another individual -that you trust explicitly- confirming for you what you have been feeling in your heart. That indeed, I do NOT have to work myself into the ground to be worthy.  That I AM allowed to change my mind at any point.  At ANY POINT.  That life is allowed to be simple, and enjoyed for its simplicity as much as its complexities.
That to live a life of ease, one must start by living a life of ease.

​At the close of our session, I gave myself permission to not want to work as a waitress anymore.  I decided I would work the weekend to make the money I needed, and then give myself a pat on the back for doing what needed to be done…and then be done. 
 
I am committed to my vision, even though I don’t understand exactly what that means at the moment. 
I am open to the doors that are all around me and I will do my best to see and allow everything that is intended to be a signal, to be one. 
I will use my vision to scan the full 360, not just take in the 45 degrees that are in front of me. 
 
Moving forward, I am giving myself permission to let it all be a bit simpler.
I am giving myself permission to trust my instincts.  Truly trust my instincts.
Even as I type that, I have to re-remind myself that I am going to do this.
 
---Currently, my instincts are telling me that some kind of big change is coming in June, and by September, I will be walking tall through the pages of my next chapter.
 
I am giving myself permission to embrace the fluidity of my life.  That might mean a day at this job…a month in that home…etc.  It is all leading me down the river to the middle of the ocean, where the waters are calm and the horizon is vast.
 
All in all, I think I am finally understanding what it means to get out of my own way.  And that it takes enormous courage to do so, but not really much else.

​An hour ago… I felt totally lost.
An hour later… I still feel lost, but I feel totally ok with it. 
Ok with figuring it out. 
Ok with listening to myself for the answers instead of re-tracing old steps.
Ok with leaving the space open for the new and the good.
 
Until next time…

​

Each time I sit down to write, I want to tell you how elated I am about life.  How wonderful it feels to do this work and 'remove the layers' so to speak.  And -truth be told- in the actual sessions with Rachael, I feel a sense of weightless peace that is unlike anything I have ever experienced. However, in the time between sessions, there is growth.  And just as one may experience physical pain during a growth spurt, I am definitely feeling the commotion in my heart as layers of bullshit are removed, and it is finally able to stretch and expand. 

The weeks since starting reiki have been mind blowing, beautiful, expansive...and really challenging.   ​
TOTALLY NECESSARY, and I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I am doing the work I need to be doing,  but it has been hard to confront myself with unguarded honesty.  

That's a lot of information...and I feel like I have yet to really digest it (which -as Rachael lovingly reminded me- is totally ok).  Still, it seems important to share.  It helps me to remember that sharing is the whole point; that sharing is a process.  Reiki is a process.  Writing about it, is a process.  Furthermore, sharing my writing, despite my personal struggles with putting anything out into the world that does not feel 'ready' or perfect -including myself- is also...a process.

At the moment, I am learning to really appreciate life.  Learning that I must be present with both the light and the darkness of it all, and that in order to know gratitude, I must also know humility. To know great love, I must also know great fear.  I cannot selectively numb the things and places inside of me that I don't want to feel, and still expect to experience radiant joy and happiness.  If I choose to ignore any particular part of myself or my life, then I also allow my ignorance to take hold across the board. 
​
It's the whole 'there is no light without darkness' concept.  And it feels like I have been trying really hard to avoid the darkness, and in doing so, have unintentionally avoided the light.
So, I guess I am in the process of truly 'seeing the light'... which makes me smile :-)  ​

And with Rachael's encouragement, that is where I am going to leave it; unfinished, in process, a bit messy and totally real.  ​