Session FIVE.

The moment before:
THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING!! 
I am NOT where I am supposed to be and this is NOT what I am supposed to be doing!

I am terrified that I have missed the mark and screwed everything up somehow.

And yet, in true Gemini fashion, I also find myself wondering:
What changes inside of me if I change that thought to;
‘I am exactly where I am supposed to be.’?
​

​The Truth reveals itself.

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It is frequently the case that at the beginning of my sessions with Rachael, I am uncertain of my intention, either because I haven’t thought much about it until she asks, or because I have SO many ideas dripping from my neurons that I cannot pick just one.
Not this time.

​​Enter: Intention.   

​​This time, I knew exactly what I wanted. 
“I want to know what I want and where I want to be doing it.” 
​
BAM.  ‘Nuff said.  Enough dicking around and pattering between this heart’s desire and that soul’s calling.  I have been oscillating back and forth between ideas quicker than a high speed fan in the summer heat of New York City.  I have moved so frequently for the past 5 years, that I am concerned that I don’t know how to do anything else…kind of like a hamster stuck in a broken wheel; she knows it’s broken but she isn’t sure what else to do and she is scared that if she gets off, that little fat kid who likes to pick her up and squeeze her, is going to want to pick her up again.  

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In fact, when I look back at the last 5 years of my life,
my general feelings are somewhere between
‘Wow!  What a ride!’
and
​‘What the hell was THAT?’

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As we worked, Rachael shared with me her story of making several moves over the course of several years; a time span in which she allowed herself to make a choice and then re-evaluate based on what felt right –without judgement- and included booking a Broadway show while living in California.  She shared with me her knowingness that she was not quite ready to stay in one place, until she was.  And when she was ready, she knew it.
She described this time in her life as ‘picking up little bits and pieces of herself along the way’…an idea that really resonated with me.  As we discussed those bits and pieces, along with her eventual realization that she was totally where she was supposed to be and her immediate willingness to stop living like a nomad, I began to feel hopeful.  I began to connect with a deeper place inside of myself that is still not completely certain of why or how long I am meant to be in New York, but that I will know for sure when it is time to make my next move, and what that will mean.  

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​ “Why did you move to New York” Rachael asked me. 

“I had an instinct, I think” I tell her.  “I spent all of last summer with people telling me all kinds of kinds of nice things about me.  (I’m easily moved by flattery) I heard this little voice say “I think it’s time to move back to NY” and I just knew - or at least felt like- that was what I needed to do. And I thought ‘I’m gonna’ go back, go to a couple auditions, I’ll book my show, do my show, have the experience, lay it to rest, and then I can leave and move on to what I really want to do’”

“Which is what?” she asked.

“Something to do with being a humanitarian; some kind of problem solving and people-something...writing. Working with people and helping them feel better.”

“How has acting prepared you to do something like that?”

​
​I rattled off an easy list:

​ACTING  HAS  TAUGHT/ALLOWED  ME  TO:
-              Throw myself into scary situations non-stop.
-              Adapt quickly to different situations.
-              Study humanity by studying characters.
-              Study and work with people.
-              Learn and regurgitate information instantaneously.
-              Teach others.
-              Study my own humanity.
-              Get in touch with my own junk (which allows me to be less afraid of other people’s junk).
-         Not have any fear of standing in front of thousands of people on stage and saying “hey, how is everybody doing??” That’s a scenario I find very exhilarating.

​​Important to note:
*I don’t feel exhilarated doing the same thing every day.
​*One of my favorite parts about performing last summer was interacting with the audience during the pre-show speech.
*I love when I get to make jokes, talk to people, look at people, address them, connect with them, and laugh with them when things are funny.

​But I really want that Broadway paycheck…

​Translation: 
​I want to make a sustainable and generous living
 and
 pay all of my bills at one time. 
Working one job. 
​What a concept.

​
​And I want to do something that feels cool and is FUN and has the ability to connect me with a LOT of people. 

And I want to be fulfilled.

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​As we rode the high of my seemingly unhindered channeling of personal truth,
Rachael asked me what I DO want.

“I want to share MY story and MY journey in a way that empowers others to do the same thing because I believe that that is truly the path to universal healing and the self-inflicted shame epidemic.”

Woah, cool.

“And I see now how that could lead me all over the place and into all sorts of different arenas to do my work.”

Also cool.
Traveling and sharing my story, that sounds cool. 
Doing it in a manner that allows other people to do the same…that sounds fulfilling. 

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This is new.

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​I’m certain it would be very exhilarating to perform on a Broadway stage. 
I am certain that at the moment, when I think about being committed to a show 8 times a week for nine month, it feels cold, fat and heavy.
I’m certain that I am scared to write about my wavering feelings because I believe that I am giving my words more power by writing them down and more power still by sharing them. 
Maybe it’s less about the dream and more about how I associate with it. 
​How much power I give it and how big I make it. 
​
Maybe the dream is trying to play itself out, and I am too busy judging it to notice.​

​Maybe I just don’t know yet.
​

​What I do know is this: there is space inside me now where there wasn’t before.  I am having moments of peace and calm -unlike anything I have previously experienced- in each day, and they are profound no matter how long they last. 
I know that I want to help a lot of people to feel heard and hopeful and taken care of, the way that Rachael makes me feel helped and heard and taken care of.  I want to do that.  I want to connect with people and feel tremendous joy and gratitude for each day. 
And I want to be really well paid, so that I no longer need to split my energy. 
And I want to travel.

Maybe that’s asking too much...? 

​​But I also want to live a life of faith and trust and Universal abundance.

​That is what I preach, and what I strongly advise others to have faith in.
​Perhaps it's time for a hit of my own medicine. 

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for more info on cteh -or- to work with rachael, click here!