The Moment before:
I am starting to feel like myself again.
I have had several intense sensations of deep love in my heart, and have noticed the tiniest tinniest part of me that is looking forward to once again, some day, being in a relationship.
Today is the half way point, so I am hoping for the scales to tip a bit in favor of ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’, and I am starting to investigate life from my perspective, as in; not what I feel like I am supposed to be doing, but rather, what is inside of ME that is wanting to be born?
Session 6. Half way!
Very excited to speak with Rachael, certain that the Holy grail of personal truth is bound to reveal itself today -at the half way mark- I eagerly take her call. After taking a few deep breaths together, she asks me for my intention.
“I want to know what’s next!?!”
In response to my intention, Rachael tells me that she is feeling compelled to ask me to ask myself the following question:
“Am I being honest with myself?”
In a small, silent space within me, requiring the utmost precision to enter, something resonates.
I know that I am doing some things that I don’t really care to be doing to support a life that I’m not sure that I want to be living (which is suddenly quite powerful now that I’ve written it down, and I don’t mean that I don’t want to be LIVING, just that I’m not sure that my current life choices are the ones that I want to stay committed to) but beyond that, I am unclear.
“Well, what do you know to be true, today?” Rachael asks.
I know that I feel like I am just…kind of…waiting for something to happen. I know that I am in yet another transition. I know that I am working a job that is making ends meet, but falls short of any substantial contributions to my heart or my bank account. I know that I am very lucky to being living rent free (until September). I know that I am feeling the need to do something to fix everything that could be a potential problem, and I continually find myself caught in the loop of trying to fix those things through the only means I know possible;
working as a waitress, a receptionist, a nanny, or an actress.
And I am feeling like
'an adult would DO something before she ends up broke and homeless',
and I am also feeling like that
–everything that I just rambled on about in the last paragraph-
is the Voice Of Fear speaking
I am afraid not to listen.
I know that I would like to set my day up differently; that I would like to wake up and move with ease throughout the day; to write and hike have time to do those things.
I know –and by ‘know’ I mean ‘have started to understand recently in a very real way’- that my only real job is to take care of myself. That if all I manage to get done on any given day is to be kind to myself, to move my body in a way that feels good, to feed and nourish myself mindfully, and to laugh and spread a little love, that that it is enough. It has to be.
I know that the only way to share my heart in ways that serve me, myself and others is to have a heart that is full enough to share. To have a heart that is overflowing. And
I know that the heart cannot overflow unless it is filled to the brim, and then some.
I know that I feel like I have been working backwards for a long time; running myself over in an attempt to get ahead, trying to solve the riddles of life from the outside in.
I know that I keep thinking about Broadway.
I know that I keep thinking about making more money.
I know that some part of me is terrified to do anything else because I’ve been doing the same thing for so long and I cannot, at the moment, picture what anything else might look like.
I know that at the moment, everything feels TOTALLY temporary, and I know that I spent a lot of time this week combing through my belongings and re-organizing them; putting things into boxes instead of Trader Joe's bags, in preparation for whatever is next. And from this,
I know that I need very little in order to survive.
Not only that, but I need very little to be happy.
Rachael’s next question: “What is the most important thing to you?”
Here is where I got stuck, so we did some clearing...and then a crazy thing happened...
As I was relaxing, feeling the waves of warmth and ease pass over me, I had a very small but totally random moment in which I thought to myself what if we get disconnected?
I let the thought float by…and then my phone rang.
My phone, which was on SILENT, rang nice and load in my ears.
We had indeed been disconnected, Rachael had tried to call ma back twice
–calls which went unanswered because my phone was on silent-
and with no response, she continued the reiki on her end.
When she was done, she said a little prayer to the cosmos
‘Ok Morgan, I’m going to need you to answer your phone this time’
and sure as shit, my phone rang.
My phone was on silent.
this was a massive, maama-jaama testament to the miraculous powers of intention.
She really needed me to answer, and so somehow, someway, my phone rang.
So there’s that.
After we came back from the twilight zone, we discussed the clearing:
I saw a dark and gloomy, grey funeral; it was cold and misty and very heavy. I felt some weird dragging energy coming out of the ground.
That quickly dissipated, and I saw myself running through the woods with a big monster chasing after me...
and then suddenly, I stopped, turned around, and poked the monster in the eyes.
I then started chasing IT, and realized that all that the monster wanted to do, was play with me.
After that picture played out, I started to think about a potential opportunity to take a huge pay increase at my day job, in exchange –basically- for my soul. I thought about all the cool things that I would be able to do with the money; all the other dreams I have had that could be fulfilled on a great big salary, and then I realized that I was thinking. What I was hearing was not coming from my heart, but rather, it was chatter from my head, which –as Rachael pointed out- is an incredibly important part of being able to hear your personal truth; discerning between the heart and the head.
My brain was saying to me:
‘Money is a real thing!
You should respect the impulse to make more of it if that KEEPS coming up for you’.
My heart however quickly informed me that ‘serving my artistry’ (which costs me nothing) is what I long to do the most. It also feels like the reason that I am organizing and boxing up all of my shit; because I’m realizing how little I actually need in order to do what it is that I actually want to do.
Granted, money is a real thing; a necessity to eat and pay the bills, but I feel like I am starting to cut my attachments to of all the extra things; things that I once felt were an essential part of whatever it was that I was letting define me, and now only seem to cloud my vision.
All I want is me, and the stuff that I actually need.
If I am light and mobile and ready to fly, then all I’m waiting for is a great big NUDGE from the Universe in the right direction.
And the more stuff I get rid of –the more space I clear- the further and faster I can fly.
In fact, right now, the idea of having only what I can carry on my back feels incredibly moving.
After all, we are all that we have.
All that extra shit is nice, but we can’t take it with us when we go.
I’ve never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch.
We can, however, take quality; the quality of our experiences here on this earth, the quality of our love and laughter, the quality of who we become as human beings.
The quality and depth of my relationships is what sustains me now, more than the quantity.
(And WAY more than it has for the better part of my days.)
The quality of my work feels more important to me than its breadth.
And conveniently, quality doesn’t ask for much, other than time and attention.
So, if I everything that I truly need in my life adds up to not much,
then I don’t need to make much,
and if I don’t need to make much,
then that opens up a lot of doors.
My day job is not soul satisfying, but it pays enough and I get to spend a LOT of my time working on my writing (which is precisely what I am doing right now). It forces me to go to bed early, which forces me to prioritize myself, which means that I am finally getting to spend a lot of time alone, reading and meditating, which is something that I have been wanting for years. Because I go to sleep early, I can wakeup and exercise first thing in the morning when I have the energy, and not dread it all day. Because the days are very similar in style, I am able to pay attention to the shifts that are happening inside of me. Shifts in awareness that are helping me to see that; 3 months ago, when I first realized that I REALLY like to write and thought that I might want to get some kind of publishing or editorial job –but had ZERO experience- the Universe still managed to give me one. I have written this entire blog post while sitting at my computer, at my desk, at my day job... where I get paid to sit at my computer at my desk…and write.
I get to write, and I’m getting paid.
I am a paid, writer.
We’re getting closer.
And while the big picture has yet to fully come into focus, I can see how I am continuing to receive what I ask for. As Rachael reminded me, the Universe delivers –gently- only what we can digest and assimilate, each piece leading us closer to home.
And that -I can say for sure- is honest, is something I know to be true,
and is certainly the most important thing to me (right now);
To be full.
My prayer to the Cosmos:
May I be blessed in my full life,
love with a full heart,
laugh with a full belly,
and live my fullest potential.
may I be SO full,
that I cannot help
but spill over
into the cups of those around me,
should they wish for fullness as well.
Until next time...