Bye Week 3.

My current state of being without much explanation:
I am messy and ungrounded.  I am at a loss.  Everything is out of my body and up in the air, which is a wild feeling.  Mostly, I feel like I am reaching for something to grab onto, but when I can let myself breathe into the madness of it all…it is kind of exhilarating.  I am scared of all the unknowns and scared to rest.  Scared to take the summer off from really trying to DO anything major with my life for fear that if I stop pushing, life will stop happening.  
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So, I’m back in New York for the third time in my life; a place that hastraditionally been all about Broadway.  As in; Broadway or bust/Broadway is the only reason I’m here/once I get on Broadway, I will be free to leave/happy/fulfilled…
However.
I haven’t been to an audition in probably a month.
I haven’t exercised in just as long.
I am working as a receptionist and part-time nanny.
I feel totally confused and afraid not to care or worry.
I feel reeeeeally tired. 
I feel like I got back to NYC and picked up right where I left off as a 27 year old and am now, once again, swimming through a crater sized lagoon of my old pit-falls;

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​​I am not _________ enough.

I should just _________ so that I can be enough. 

​Hopefully, once I have/do/become _________, I will be enough...

...
...
...
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​…Enough for what…?

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​...an excellent question, and one that I keep asking myself. 
For years, I have been running this track.  Feeling not enough, then doing a bunch of things that I think will make me enough, only to find myself totally exhausted and continually unsatisfied…and still, not enough.

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​My mother has a great saying about this.  It goes something like;  “we continue to fall into the same holes over and over again, only to dig ourselves out and fall right back in… until one day, right before we are about to fall in for the umpteenth time, we manage to stop, look at the hole and say “ooooh NO!  No, I see you hole, and I will NOT fall in you again…”, at which point we proudly step over or around said hole, and in the midst of doing the happy dance of joy for not falling in  A-GAIN, we trip on our heels, and fall straight into a NEW hole.”  

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 Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.

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​I believe this is called life.  I do not believe that we ever escape the holes.
However, I DO believe that they get fewer and further between as we venture out into the great unknown, and that these giant potholes have great lessons to teach us… at least the first time. 
Maybe the second time.  And the third time.  And the fourth?
I am starting to wonder how many times I have to fall into the same holes to learn not to fall into them again.  How many times will I have to ask myself the same questions about what I really want?  And why do I insist on making everything so hard on myself?  My mother would like to know the answers to this almost as much as I would….

I have thought about this a lot since my last session with Rachael.
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How can I be doing all of this spiritual work, and still keep repeating the same choices that I know do not lend themselves to positive results?  Choices about how I take care of myself, the way I think about myself and how I interact with others etc. 

How can I do all of this soul searching,
​and still feel so very far from my soul?  

​I have been pursuing enlightenment in one form or another for many years now, and it is only recently that I have begun to stop and question my motives.  It has always felt like the obvious choice -to pursue enlightenment VS not pursuing enlightenment- but why?  To find the magical key that fits in the magical lock, which once turned, will reveal my true and magnificent self?  The self that no longer needs to fall into the same holes, but can -as my mother suggests- “sprout wings and just fly over them…”?  

What am I hoping to achieve from all of this soul inspecting and emotional closet cleaning?
​WHAT IS ALL OF IT FOR?​

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​This week, I really started to wonder.  
I wrote to Rachael about this. 
I confessed that when I asked myself why I was doing all of the work that I am doing, I was a bit shocked at the answers that were coming up;
-To be skinny.  I want to be enlightened, because enlightened people are skinny and easy breezy and unattached to trivial pleasures.  
-To finally be on Broadway, so I can say that I’ve done it and be free to get on with my life.
(I know there is more underneath the surface here, but the sheer terror at THOSE being my first two answers were enough to stop me in my tracks.)

​Rachael’s response:
​“Question for you: Have you now stopped to ask yourself the true answers to both of these questions??
*Why do you seek spiritual enlightenment?
Why do you want to be an actor/performer/whatever word most resonates with you? 
 
(*If you only answer one of these, answer this one. Chances are your answer to the actor question will be deeply related to the answer to the spiritual enlightenment question :) )”
 
SO, I stopped to ask myself the true answers to my questions.
 
-I want to be enlightened because…to me, enlightenment = freedom.
-I want to be an actor/performer/whatever because… at the root of that thing, there is fearless self expression.  There is freedom.
 
…and it continues…

A fit and healthy body represents freedom.
Following dreams represents freedom.
Allowing dreams to change and following new dreams represents freedom;
The freedom to be who I want to be.  The freedom to be who I already AM.
The freedom to go where I want to go. 
The freedom to live a life of my choosing, and not feel the need to explain myself. 
The freedom to be happy without apology.
The freedom to just be. 

​I really want my freedom.

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​I want it.  And I can feel it inside of me, trying to break loose, while simultaneously being repressed by my circumstances and the belief that I am not yet _________ enough to be free right now.  As I am. 
The belief that because I am not _________ enough; I don’t deserve it; freedom.
The belief that I have not yet worked hard enough to earn it; freedom. 
And, perhaps most importantly, the belief that freedom exists somewhere outside of myself.

​As all of this is coming to light, I am also noticing something else. 

When Rachael and I first started this work, I didn't have any room inside of me.  What I mean by this, is that I was full of old stories and beliefs about myself -most of which were not serving me- and there was no room for new and good to enter into my life. 
This week, I have had the strangest feelings.  I have felt myself expanding from the inside out, almost as if I am outgrowing my old shell -much the same way a turtle does- from the inside out.  A turtle does not pick a new shell every 6 months and then grow INto it, but rather, the shell continues to grow as the turtle expands inside of it.  And you're welcome for the turtle analogy. 
But for real.
It feels like the space inside of me is expanding.  Pushing against the outer walls, blowing me up like a balloon that is certain to pop, leaving limitless room for growth and opportunity in its wake.  

And suddenly, it is beginning to hit me; this is it.  This is the work, working.  

THIS is why I am working with Rachael. 
THIS is what Reiki does. 
THIS is my closet, cleared out. 
THIS is the space I have needed
for inviting all the new and good I wish to invite into my life,
​INTO MY LIFE.  
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If you want to bring something into your life, there has to be space for it.  If you want to invite a new friend over to play, you have to throw out all of the clutter you’ve been hoarding so that you have space for them in your home -or in extreme cases- so that you can even get the front door open.
If you want to pick up a leaf off the water, you must be still and open your arms…only then can it come to you.  Anything else causes a ripple effect, sending the leaf further and further into the middle of the pond.  Again, for the analogy, you’re welcome :-).   
I want to be free.  I am ok with that.  I want to be free, I want to feel free, I want to float around -free- in this sacred new space for a hot second and get to know it before I fill it with  a bunch of awesome new shit.  ONE nice red sweater, instead of 6 from the different phases of my life.   ONE pair of nice, comfortable, black flats.  They might be a bit more expensive, but I will wear the crap out of them and they will be totally worth it. 

Nice, high quality goods.  Nice, high quality beliefs.    

Only what I need, and only what makes me feel good.

Free of the need to be free, and in its place, the belief that I already AM.

for more info on CTEH -or- to work with rachael, click here!