permission to be average.
Each time I sit down to write, I want to tell you how elated I am about life. How wonderful it feels to do this work and 'remove the layers' so to speak. And -truth be told- in the actual sessions with Rachael, I feel a sense of weightless peace that is unlike anything I have ever experienced. However, in the time between sessions, there is growth. And just as one may experience physical pain during a growth spurt, I am definitely feeling the commotion in my heart as layers of bullshit are removed, and it is finally able to stretch and expand.
The weeks since starting reiki have been mind blowing, beautiful, expansive...and really challenging.
TOTALLY NECESSARY, and I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I am doing the work I need to be doing, but it has been hard to confront myself with unguarded honesty.
I asked Rachael about this in a recent email exchange.
-Rachael is available via email between sessions to discuss major challenges or road blocks, and she loves a good 'a-ha!' story.
"Does this happen with Reiki work? Does the energy clearing and clarity actually make things a bit messy for a while? It’s as if I KNOW that everything that is changing is 100% for the better, but I feel SO raw and exposed at the moment- I cannot tell if I’m losing myself or gaining a NEW self. Shedding an old layer; new skin is tender etc..."
"YES. When major energy work is being done, sometimes things feel a liiiiittle (or a lot) messy! Don't worry, this is normal and it will lead to such great clarity! (And it already is!)"
Thank God...And I AM gaining a lot of clarity.
But at the moment, it feels more like the clarity that comes the moment after you remove the 'beer goggles', and start to see things as they truly are...whether you want to or not.
Previous to working with Rachael, I worked with a life coach on-and-off for several years. She frequently spoke about all of the 'coats' that we put on and take off throughout the course of our lifetime; the evolution of how we live our lives and the variety of personal beliefs that we have about how to do so.
This coach was the first person that can I remember really hearing when she suggested that, maybe, my 'Big Broadway Superstar' coat had become a bit too small. That it was becoming constrictive vs expansive. My work with her helped me to understand the how's and the why's of my expectations about life, and I think now -and only now- have I started to feel so suffocated by those expectations, that I am finally ready to remove the coat.
This is why I am doing Reiki now as opposed to three years ago. All of the personal work I have done has prepared me to take that old coat off. Now, Rachael is helping me to actually remove it -layer by layer- dissolving it slowly and painlessly, yet quickly enough that I notice new parts of myself every day.
Here is what I am struggling with at the moment:
-I feel like I have been living my life in one giant on-going attempt to be 'not average'. Above average. Special. Ideally, all in an attempt to be happy...I think.
-I feel like an ass hole for saying that.
-I am aware that trying to be 'not' something doesn't work.
The funny thing is that upon acknowledging this, I also realized that I don't actually know what that means; to be 'average' or 'not average'. Nor do I necessarily know what it means to be truly happy.
I took this question into meditation, here is what i got:
what's so scary about being happy?
(...happy vs average...perhaps I have just been using the wrong word?)
If it doesn't look the way you thought it would...re-examine your metrics for happiness and check again.
the contraction that produces tears is the same contraction that is necessary before a jump.
Throat is screaming woohoo! I'm free!!! elation!!!
why am i feeling so sad? there is a difference between sadness and emptiness. i feel empty. all the rocks are out, and all i am doing at the moment is focusing on making money so i can give my bucket the proper repairs and nourishment before i put any giant rocks back in it.
i give you permission to be happy amidst this change...why is that so scary?
i give you permission to love yourself no mater what you have to show for it.
i give you permission to take pride and value in yourself, no matter what you have to show for it.
i give you permission to treat yourself like a human being no matter what.
NOT just when you are worthy i.e.: in a show...upholding some sort of public persona.
I give you permission to train like an athlete, even if you aren't one.
i give you permission to break up the uncomfortable space.
i give you permission to cry whenever you need to and not think any more about it, knowing that there is just a lot of old garbage in there that needs to come out.
I give you permission to stop talking. to live a life that is warm in your heart and kind to those around you.
I give you permission to be no-one. To just show up and do what you need to do, and for THAT to be enough, because it is already more than enough.
That's a lot of information...and I feel like I have yet to really digest it (which -as Rachael lovingly reminded me- is totally ok). Still, it seems important to share. It helps me to remember that sharing is the whole point; that sharing is a process. Reiki is a process. Writing about it, is a process. Furthermore, sharing my writing, despite my personal struggles with putting anything out into the world that does not feel 'ready' or perfect -including myself- is also...a process.
learning is a process.
At the moment, I am learning to really appreciate life. Learning that I must be present with both the light and the darkness of it all, and that in order to know gratitude, I must also know humility. To know great love, I must also know great fear. I cannot selectively numb the things and places inside of me that I don't want to feel, and still expect to experience radiant joy and happiness. If I choose to ignore any particular part of myself or my life, then I also allow my ignorance to take hold across the board.
It's the whole 'there is no light without darkness' concept. And it feels like I have been trying really hard to avoid the darkness, and in doing so, have unintentionally avoided the light.
So, I guess I am in the process of truly 'seeing the light'... which makes me smile :-)
And with Rachael's encouragement, that is where I am going to leave it; unfinished, in process, a bit messy and totally real.