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9/26/2017

Bye Week 9.

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This post has been modified significantly from its original form, and started as nothing more than the mention of a feeling I was having that ‘something big was about to happen’.

With nothing else to go on, I -of course- took this looming omen as an invitation for wild and fanciful thinking…
‘Perhaps Broadway really IS going to call in a final twist at the eleventh hour!’
‘Maybe I am on the verge of meeting the man of my dreams (even though I currently have zero desire to get to know anyone other than myself right now)’
‘Oh! Maybe I’m going to win the LOTTERY!’
Note to self; buy a ticket.

Well, I was correct. Something big was about to happen.
And then it happened.

On Tuesday, August 22, one of my best friends from high school was found dead in his apartment.

He died on Tuesday, I found out on Wednesday, and by Saturday, I was on a plane back to New Mexico for his funeral.
The time between Wednesday and Saturday was a blur.
I didn’t want to go to work, but I didn’t want to be at home. My whole body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, and I found it increasingly easy to sit and stare at inanimate objects for long periods of time.

Having never dealt with this level of shock or grief before, I tried to move forward as usual; I got up Thursday morning to go to the gym, where I discovered that I was unable to perform the same exercises that I had done the day before. It was like moving through sludge. I talked with friends who graciously attempted to help me through my grief, but every part of it felt empty. Every time I smiled, it felt like a lie, so I just didn’t. I didn’t smile, I didn’t think, I didn’t really do anything but wait for the funeral announcement and wonder whether or not I would be able to afford the flight home.

I have never lost a close friend. I have never lost a close anyone.

Every time I think of it, it strikes me as so incredibly odd; how someone can be here one moment and gone the next. How not every departure is graceful or peaceful or met with ‘Bon Voyage!’ or ‘you will be missed!’.
Sometimes, things just happen. As a matter of fact, MOST of the time, things just happen. Things happen, we are affected or we’re not, and the world keeps spinning either way.

Time truly stops for no one.

I wanted to press the pause button on life. I wanted more time -extra time- to process what had actually happened, but there was none. So, I kept moving, sharing the news with friends who hadn’t yet heard, and doing my best to answer questions that I did not have all of the answers to. There were moments of laughter as we shared stories in honor of his memory, and moments of absolute full-body anxiety ridden panic at the realization that I was never going to hear his voice ever again in my own two ears ever again.

I will never see him with my own two eyes, ever again.

And the world will go on.

That’s the thing about life. No matter how hard we love, or how high we climb, when we are gone, the world keeps moving on.
Our time on this planet is so short, often too short, that in moments like these, it makes me wonder why I care about what I care about, and forces me to ask myself how I have been doing at actually living my life; not just being alive, but truly living.
How much living am I actually doing compared to everything else that I am doing in hopes that it will truly let me live?
And is it possible that love is a priority which I have been scoffing at for a good chunk of my time here on earth…more concerned with what I have to show for my existence, than existence itself?

These are the questions that I am pondering.
These are the questions that feel important to examine, in honor of my friend who is no longer here to do it for himself; what the hell is the point, and am I missing it?

I don’t have the answer.

I guess that is why I am still here.

I have to believe that when someone is taken from the Earth so swiftly and so long before their time, they must have known something that I don’t.

He must have been ready to go, on some level, and the best I can do is let him.
In fact, it’s all I can do.

I miss him and I love him.
Those are the only things that I am certain of in this moment.

For Jason.

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9/26/2017

Session NINE.

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Since the start of this blog, I have tried to maintain some kind of consistent structure within each post, hoping to create a reader-friendly format. The original plan back in April (when this whole project began) was a bi-weekly post detailing the precise nature of each individual reiki session, and also, a bye-weekly post (in the off weeks) detailing my progress and the changes in my life as it continued/s to shift and evolve throughout the course of my work with Rachael.
Back in April, that was the plan.

The plan is the plan,
until the plan changes...

And then...

THAT becomes the plaN.

There were other plans as well.
General life plans, most of them regarding my move back to The Big Apple.
For instance; I planned on spending a lot of time with friends and family that live in and around the New York City area. I was going to attend musical theatre auditions for musicals until I managed to make it onto a Broadway stage, at which point, I would complete a quick stint on ‘The Great White Way’, check it off of my bucket list, and promptly leave New York City...forever.
I was going to explore all of the cool things about NYC that I had left un-explored when I moved to St. Louis in 2014; this included dancing on tables at wild night clubs/bars -that it turns out I have no desire to go to- and attending fabulous roof-top BBQ's with all of the fabulous new people…that I have not had any desire to meet.
Most importantly, while living in one of the most expensive cities on the planet, I was going to manage to make enough money to pay off my credit cards AND save five-thousand dollars to eventually move across the country...you know...after I was done doing all that other shit.

Well...you know what they say about plans...

...and despite my best efforts to get excited about all of the stuff that I had planned to do... none of that shit happened.

I am not on Broadway.
I have been to approximately three bars and even fewer night clubs in the seven months that I have been here.
I have seen my close friends fewer times than I have fingers on my left hand, seen my family about the same, and as of writing this post, I have yet to even make it to the Statue of Liberty (I plan on going…at some point…), let alone overturn every other stone that I had planned on turning over.
'Most importantly' (even though I have faith I have faith I have faith...) I do not currently appear any closer to financial solvency than I was back in February.

Needless to say,
my big move back to NYC has not gone at all according to plan.

The plan was the plan, until the plan changed.
Or, rather, the plan was the plan, until I changed.
I'm not sure exactly when it was, but at some point in recent history, my wants and desires started to shift -despite my repeated attempts to stick to the plans listed above, most of which originated fifteen years ago- and the inevitable change of plans began to take shape.

Since February, I have not spent as much time as I had originally planned with the people I had planned on spending it with, but I have spent a LOT of much needed time alone with my self. I have gone to a variety of wonderful dance classes (reminding me how much I love to dance), attended a generous handful of auditions (reminding me how much I love to sing), blown through my savings, eaten all of the things, thrown out seventy percent of my wardrobe because I only ever wear the same five things anyway, spent four months working as a receptionist, two months as a nanny, and began my reiki journey with Rachael…to name a few of the 'un-plans'.
Despite images I have had in my head for years; me, walking down the streets of Manhattan as a savvy and reasonably-disgruntled New York fashionista (all in black), I have continued to wear my flannel shirts and hiking boots around the city, because they feel like me...and it turns out that I don't really like shopping as much as I used to.
I have not made it to any of the museums on my list, but I have repeatedly taken whole days to 'hike' the most wilderness-y parts of the island, (eventually branching out to the State Parks and 'real' hiking trails outside of the city)...

...because it turns out that my ideas of beauty and inspiration have more to do with nature scenes vs. the scenery at The Met. (Not knocking fabulous artwork.)
I have not been excited about the idea of booking more acting work, but I have found that I am very excited to spring out of bed on the days that I have previously committed to working on my writing.

Since February, I have: written a book, started a blog, lived in three fabulous apartments (fulfilling my birthday wish to live alone as of my 33rd year), hosted a fabulous 4th of July BBQ on MY (loaner) rooftop, grown closer with my family, spent an entire weekend with my oldest nephew, grown closer with my closest friends who -as it turns out- are scattered all across the country, FINALLY started reading the Harry Potter series, and decided that it is time -once again- to leave the city.
And, 'most importantly', thought I haven't saved any money,
as of yet, I haven't needed any more than I've had.

The plan was the plan, until the plan changed.
And now, it is so obvious to me that the modified plan was actually the plan all along…surprise (wonderful) surprise.

In easing me through the many transitions that have taken place, Rachael’s guidance and support have been paramount.
She has taught me to feel out the energy of a given situation in order to make an aligned decision, rather than to evaluate potential outcomes based on form.
In other words; Rachael has taught me HOW to not judge a book by it’s cover.

It has taken me months to accept the fact that thinking about life as a Broadway performer feels -to me- like a heavy and one-dimensional existence.
And that is not a judgement on anyone who has committed to the grind and continues to do so. My life is full of incredibly talented people who are living their dreams everyday in some of the most wonderfully artistic endeavors that NYC has to offer, and I commend them for it. But, as far as my future is concerned, I can finally say -with confidence- that I have fully embraced the reality that there might be something bigger out there for me. Something that feels bigger in my heart and my soul. Something that feels lighter, more exciting and more expansive…even if I can’t see it, and even if I’m not sure exactly how to get there.

THAT was session nine.

I went into session nine clinging to what was left of the life that I had been attempting to live, even long passed its expiration date. I gave it one final energetic ‘go’; attempting to see if I could convince myself that a life filled with fulfilling activities would and could indeed be a life fulfilled… but I couldn’t.
And it isn’t.

By the end of our session, I was laughing at how obvious it was that I was ready to move on, and that in my heart, I already had; not away from anything or anyone, but towards a dream that has become so much bigger than anything I could have comprehended back in April.

In session nine, I accepted what was true in my heart, and I finally welcomed it with open arms.

...

If you’ve been following my journey throughout these blog posts, you will notice that -contrary to the original plan- the specific details of our session are not listed here. There are also many wonderful things that Rachael said that were an essential part of our session, but are not essential in sharing its message. So today, with this post, I am changing the plan. Reiki is an evolutionary process, as is writing and creating and anything else that we do repeatedly throughout the course of our lives.

Where I am today is not where I was back in April (a reality that I am happy to accept).
I have changed, and so have my ‘plans’ for this blog, and for my life in general.

And so, with that being said...
Here is what I know to be true today, that I didn’t know before:

I do not need a plan to feel safe, nor do I need a plan to BE safe, for I am already safe.
I do not need to agonize over how everything is going to work out, because it always has, it always does, and I trust that it always will.
My heart already has all of the answers, and the second I choose to listen, the answers reveal themselves and the way becomes clear.
It happens every time, all the time, without fail…for no-one and no-thing can take away the truth of our hearts.

I believe that this is true for every human being on the planet; that we are inherently safe.
We are loved. We ARE love.
We are blessed with everything that we need to know, every answer to every question,
and we always have a choice...even in the smallest moments.

Every clearing is an opening for the new and the good.

Every un-answered prayer is actually an answered one.

Trust trust trust.

Be more excited about what you can feel than what you can see, and know with every fiber of your being that if you build it, they will come, if you jump, the net will appear, and you are loved more than you may ever be able to comprehend in this teeny tiny little lifetime.

And, finally, if it is hard for you to believe this right now, at least know that I am here, believing it for you, just has Rachael has done for me time and time again, until you are ready to believe it for yourself.

Here’s to all the plans that never panned out, and here’s to a future that will.

for more info on cteh -or- to work with rachael, click here!

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-Reiki with Rachael-

Bye Week 9.

Session NINE.

The plan is the plan,
until the plan changes...

And then...

THAT becomes the plaN.

THAT was session nine.

Archives

Categories

​​​-​Reiki with Rachael-

Bye Week 9.

Session NINE.

The plan is the plan,until the plan changes...

And then...

​THAT becomes the plaN.​​

​THAT was session nine.

Archives

Categories

-Reiki with Rachael-

The plan is the plan,
until the plan changes...

THAT becomes the plaN.

THAT was session nine.