“Everything I ever let go of has claw marks on it” |
 | I want to feel strong |
 | I want to feel at ease |
 | I want to feel love |
 | I want to feel powerful |
... I also believe that it is essential to not let one’s feelings about those feelings drive the boat.
Perhaps you wish to feel stronger...
-BUT-
You never really feel like working out...
You never really feel like working out...
Or perhaps you wish to feel financially abundant, but you also don’t feel like cooking dinner (saving money) after a long day at work...
...when I say I will never feel ready, those are the kind of feelings I am talking about;
the feelings about the feelings.
...when I say I will never feel ready, those are the kind of feelings I am talking about;
the feelings about the feelings.
Luckily,
you don’t have to wait until you feel ready
to do the things that
you know you need to do.
It is entirely possible that someday, you will wake up at 5:30 am feeling super psyched about going to the gym to work out, and, it is equally as possible that to get to that point,
(the point at which you are super psyched about working out at 5:30am)
you are going to have to wake up at 5:30 am on
ALL OF THE MORNINGS BEFORE THAT
(the ones where you aren’t super psyched and you definitely don’t feel like it)
to go to the gym, and work out.
(the point at which you are super psyched about working out at 5:30am)
you are going to have to wake up at 5:30 am on
ALL OF THE MORNINGS BEFORE THAT
(the ones where you aren’t super psyched and you definitely don’t feel like it)
to go to the gym, and work out.
When you start to examine feelings from this perspective,
the differences between
'what you feel capable of '
-and-
'what is true in reality'
are staggering.
The truth is; we really are the only ones who stop ourselves from doing, being or becoming anything that we might choose to be…which kind of sucks...but is also totally liberating...depending on how you choose to feel about it. :-)
We hold onto our perceptions about what is happening to us, vs. the reality of what is just, simply, happening, because one leaves us with someone or something other than ourselves to blame, and the other leaves us with only ourselves.
Again, kind of shitty/ also totally liberating.
I heard two really great quotes this week about just such a thing.
The first was from Oprah.
She was not the originator of the quote, but as she is a fierce lioness-goddess-queen-of-awesomeness, she might as well have been.
It goes as follows: ‘Would you rather be right, or be at peace?’
The second came from a woman/author/speakers/motivational-champion/professional fixer/guru/problem-solver extraordinaire; Mel Robbins. She is also a commentator on CNN, a talk radio host, and is currently one of the most sought after public speakers in the entire world.
Her quote goes like so: ‘What if you’re wrong?’
She was not the originator of the quote, but as she is a fierce lioness-goddess-queen-of-awesomeness, she might as well have been.
It goes as follows: ‘Would you rather be right, or be at peace?’
The second came from a woman/author/speakers/motivational-champion/professional fixer/guru/problem-solver extraordinaire; Mel Robbins. She is also a commentator on CNN, a talk radio host, and is currently one of the most sought after public speakers in the entire world.
Her quote goes like so: ‘What if you’re wrong?’
On their own, they are both incredibly powerful. But it was the second that I put them both together that the wheels really began to spin...
“What if I’m wrong?
Would I rather be right, or be at peace?"
What if I’m wrong about... what I always assumed I was supposed to do with my life.
Has my need to be right kept me from my best self and the path to inner-peace?
What if I’m wrong about my (self-limiting) perceived strengths and abilities?
Maybe my need to be right has kept me stuck in old patterns.
How often is my need to be right out shadowing what is right in front of me?
How often do my feelings about what is happening affect my need to be right, instead of motivating me to investigate where the feelings are actually coming from?
How often do I consider the possibility that I could be wrong?
And how often do I defend myself, simply because I am petrified of finding out that I am (wrong)?
Now, don’t get me wrong (see what I did there?), I am all for boundaries and for protecting those boundaries at just about any cost, but I also believe that in order to do so, one must become very clear on the difference between a boundary (motivated by the desire for peace), and the simple need to be right (motivated by the ego).
I believe that boundaries are generated out of our basic human needs for protection and preservation. And, while there are certainly feelings that come up when our boundaries are being imposed upon or crossed, those feelings are intended to serve our need for survival as human beings –letting us know when something or someone poses a threat to our existence-, not the survival of our ego.
The ego, on the other hand, just wants to be right. And while I understand that the ego originated from a place of self-preservation, and that –originally- the need to be correct was paramount to our survival –eat this berry, that one is poisonous- it now serves to keep us as separate from one another and from knowing out true selves, for where there is truth, there is no ego, and this spells death for that primitive little shit kicker.
How often do my feelings about what is happening affect my need to be right, instead of motivating me to investigate where the feelings are actually coming from?
How often do I consider the possibility that I could be wrong?
And how often do I defend myself, simply because I am petrified of finding out that I am (wrong)?
Now, don’t get me wrong (see what I did there?), I am all for boundaries and for protecting those boundaries at just about any cost, but I also believe that in order to do so, one must become very clear on the difference between a boundary (motivated by the desire for peace), and the simple need to be right (motivated by the ego).
I believe that boundaries are generated out of our basic human needs for protection and preservation. And, while there are certainly feelings that come up when our boundaries are being imposed upon or crossed, those feelings are intended to serve our need for survival as human beings –letting us know when something or someone poses a threat to our existence-, not the survival of our ego.
The ego, on the other hand, just wants to be right. And while I understand that the ego originated from a place of self-preservation, and that –originally- the need to be correct was paramount to our survival –eat this berry, that one is poisonous- it now serves to keep us as separate from one another and from knowing out true selves, for where there is truth, there is no ego, and this spells death for that primitive little shit kicker.
Where there is truth, there is peace.
(On some level.)
Truth may not always feel very good, or very peaceful, but if we choose to surrender to it, at least we get to stop fighting.
Think about how much less energy it takes to admit that you are wrong (if you are) then it does to keep fighting the same fight over and over again in the name of being right. By the same token, think about how peaceful you can be while engaged in an argument, simply by being honest.
If you speak honestly about what is true for YOU, then there is no need to prove yourself ‘right’ to anyone.
Every time you surrender to what you know is true, there is peace.
It’s the relief you feel after you break up with that person that you love but can no longer be in a relationship with, or the way you feel after you’ve finally deep cleaned your bathroom and folded the 27 pounds of clean laundry that have been staring at you for the past three days; there may not be dancing in the streets, but the feelings of relief, bit by bit, become more important than any feelings you may have about doing the things that you don’t want to do (even though you know that they are right FOR YOU).
Think about how much less energy it takes to admit that you are wrong (if you are) then it does to keep fighting the same fight over and over again in the name of being right. By the same token, think about how peaceful you can be while engaged in an argument, simply by being honest.
If you speak honestly about what is true for YOU, then there is no need to prove yourself ‘right’ to anyone.
Every time you surrender to what you know is true, there is peace.
It’s the relief you feel after you break up with that person that you love but can no longer be in a relationship with, or the way you feel after you’ve finally deep cleaned your bathroom and folded the 27 pounds of clean laundry that have been staring at you for the past three days; there may not be dancing in the streets, but the feelings of relief, bit by bit, become more important than any feelings you may have about doing the things that you don’t want to do (even though you know that they are right FOR YOU).
This all brings me back to my original point about not feeling ready.
I’m pretty sure that I’m never going to feel ready to be wrong about the direction in which I thought my life was headed (Broadway-destined-permormer who has decided to leave her old dreams behind to move to Oregon and become a total hippie)...but...would I rather be right, or be at peace?
I heard a story recently about Dwayne –The Rock- Johnson. Dwayne started his career as a college football player, and while his greatest dreams were of starring (or starting? I blame my theatrical background) in the NFL, he only ever made it as far as the Canadian Football League, from which he was cut after only two months. Sad Dwayne. However, were it not for this little 'set back', it is entirely possible that he would not have gone on to become the man that he is today; an actor/producer who is widely regarded as one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time, who was also the world’s highest-paid actor in 2016 and named ‘one of the 100 most influential people in the world’ by Time Magazine that same year.
He thought he was going to play for the NFL, and he was wrong. And while I’m guessing that he didn’t feel great about it then, he is probably very much at peace with it now.
He thought he was going to play for the NFL, and he was wrong. And while I’m guessing that he didn’t feel great about it then, he is probably very much at peace with it now.
I want to be at peace.
Even if I don't feel like doing the things that I know I need to do,
and even if it means being wrong about everything I thought I knew at the time.
In hindsight, I realize that being wrong has led me to some of the best people and moments in and of my life thus far.
Every single one of my best girls friends -and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE- I was positive I was going to hate the first time I met them, and I certainly never felt like getting to know any of them any better.
Every time I felt like I couldn't afford something that I really wanted...I afforded it.
Every time I have come to New York City with the feeling that I was destined to stay forever, I have left...only to find myself immersed in a places and people that I could have never imagined.
Every time I haven't felt ready, I have been wrong.
And every time that I have been wrong, it has been right.
I may never feel ready...
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The moment before:
It has been a busy and sleepless couple of days; the family that I work for came home for a short spell and I was in transit between a friends couch and the bed of a 7 year old who –thank fully- sleeps quite soundly, but whom I was terrified was going to roll out of the bed in the middle of the night and smash her lil’ noggin on the hard wood floor three feet below (we princesses like tall beds).
Up until 4 days ago I have been off of sugar (cleansing at the recommendation of a friend due to some less than ideal blood sugar levels), I haven’t had alcohol or caffeine for over three weeks, and I’m noticing a lot of hidden emotions that are buried beneath my eating habits and personal choices.
It has been a busy and sleepless couple of days; the family that I work for came home for a short spell and I was in transit between a friends couch and the bed of a 7 year old who –thank fully- sleeps quite soundly, but whom I was terrified was going to roll out of the bed in the middle of the night and smash her lil’ noggin on the hard wood floor three feet below (we princesses like tall beds).
Up until 4 days ago I have been off of sugar (cleansing at the recommendation of a friend due to some less than ideal blood sugar levels), I haven’t had alcohol or caffeine for over three weeks, and I’m noticing a lot of hidden emotions that are buried beneath my eating habits and personal choices.
I'M HERE!!!
Rachael calls and I reach a T-rex claw-like arm out from the inside of my tightly woven blanket cocoon to answer my phone. I will lay there, wrapped up on the couch –eyes closed- for the next hour, as Rachael works my energy like a Harlem Globe Trotter works a basketball; with absolute skill and finesse.
She asks me for my intention, and one word pops into my brain and out of my mouth: “HONESTY.
She asks me for my intention, and one word pops into my brain and out of my mouth: “HONESTY.
My intention is honesty.
More specifically; 'being honest with myself about certain thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that I’ve been aware of, and examining within myself for years, but have only recently begun to feel courageous enough to talk about in private...let alone, publish in a blog post.
an honest moment about honesty:
...It has never been my forte. I have never been great about sharing my true feelings if I fear that they may hurt or offend another, and especially if I believe that they might make me look less than perfect. I am an excellent keeper of other people's honesty -I do NOT believe in telling anyone else's secrets; not even to my shoes or my dog- but when it comes to my own true feelings about most things, I've done an excellent job -for most of my life- at manipulating my truth to accommodate my surroundings.
However, now, due to the work that Rachael and I have done, it seems that I can no longer keep quiet. It also seems that now, whenever I attempt to do so (to keep myself quiet), I am not able to turn the volume down without the assistance of outside resources.
i.e.; food, alcohol, etc.
Basically, as long as I can put something in, then nothing potentially harmful or distressing can come out.
So why honesty this week?
Because this week I attempted -and failed to complete- yet another dietary cleanse (we will come back to this) under the guise of 'helping myself' when in reality, I was seeking the means to control my emotional relationship with food.
i.e.; food, alcohol, etc.
Basically, as long as I can put something in, then nothing potentially harmful or distressing can come out.
So why honesty this week?
Because this week I attempted -and failed to complete- yet another dietary cleanse (we will come back to this) under the guise of 'helping myself' when in reality, I was seeking the means to control my emotional relationship with food.
Because I have an emotional relationship with food.
Because, since moving to NYC, I have been on the 'no carb left behind as long as I get to sit by myself in front of the TV and don't have to share with anyone' campaign trail.
Because when I am happy and my heart is good, I naturally eat well and get plenty of exercise, but, when I am in a place that is completely void of emotional nourishment, I turn to the toast. Or granola. Or ice cream. Or pizza. Or whatever is in my cabinet that I can cover in almond butter.
Because, since moving to NYC, I have been on the 'no carb left behind as long as I get to sit by myself in front of the TV and don't have to share with anyone' campaign trail.
Because when I am happy and my heart is good, I naturally eat well and get plenty of exercise, but, when I am in a place that is completely void of emotional nourishment, I turn to the toast. Or granola. Or ice cream. Or pizza. Or whatever is in my cabinet that I can cover in almond butter.
"Where does honesty fit in here?"
Rachael asked...
I'm not sure, and perhaps that is because I have spent years attempting to numb myself from a wide variety of feelings, and even longer trying not to be honest with myself about it.
In fact, up until recently, I have not had the courage to even acknowledge what I really want and who I really want to be, let alone to be honest about everything else that I have been doing to cover it up.
It's been a long time pattern -binge and restrict, diet and cave, exercise like a mad woman and then collapse a week later- as has been my need to control it; the redeeming moments of being complimented on my waist line or my clean diet, always out shadowed by my own judgmental thoughts;
'if they only knew what I looked like naked...'
or
'that's sweet, but I'm actually about five pounds away from receiving your compliment graciously'...just to name a few.
In fact, up until recently, I have not had the courage to even acknowledge what I really want and who I really want to be, let alone to be honest about everything else that I have been doing to cover it up.
It's been a long time pattern -binge and restrict, diet and cave, exercise like a mad woman and then collapse a week later- as has been my need to control it; the redeeming moments of being complimented on my waist line or my clean diet, always out shadowed by my own judgmental thoughts;
'if they only knew what I looked like naked...'
or
'that's sweet, but I'm actually about five pounds away from receiving your compliment graciously'...just to name a few.
I know I am not alone in this.
I know I am not the only person in the world who can cry wolf over their life spinning out of control because they have decided to start eating _________ again.
However, I also know that no one ever really likes to talk about it.
Not just about what they are really feeling, but what they are doing to cover up what they are really feeling about any number of things.
I know I am not the only person in the world who can cry wolf over their life spinning out of control because they have decided to start eating _________ again.
However, I also know that no one ever really likes to talk about it.
Not just about what they are really feeling, but what they are doing to cover up what they are really feeling about any number of things.
As I discussed all of this with Rachael, I shared with her that I was carrying a lot of shame for not taking care of myself the way that I 'should' be.
Her response was totally awesome, and TOTALLY took me by surprise;
Her response was totally awesome, and TOTALLY took me by surprise;
“The reason you’re feeling so bad that you’re not taking care of yourself in the way that you “should” is because you’ve actually been taking SUCH good care of yourself”
she tells me.
...
...
...
...
...ummmmmm...
whaaaaaaa?!?
whaaaaaaa?!?
(That one took a minute.)
How is it possible that I’ve been taking SUCH good care of myself, when I haven’t been doing any of the things that I am so use to doing?
I haven’t been following any kind of weight loss protocol (should)…
but I have been practicing kindness and mindfulness with myself and my body (good).
I haven’t been following a strict exercise routine (should)…
but I have been listening to my body and how it wants to move, and doing my best to oblige (good).
I haven’t been obsessively trying to get a million things done every day and packing my schedule from sun-up to sun-down because that’s what productive people do and it’s the only way to get ahead in life (should)…
but I have been lounging on the sofa and reading and watching a lot of funny and interesting television and movies all summer (good).
And I do believe that one of my goals for this time; my time alone in NYC and working with Rachael, was to get in touch with what I really needed and develop a relationship with myself and my body that is based on feeling good, sustainably…
I haven’t been following any kind of weight loss protocol (should)…
but I have been practicing kindness and mindfulness with myself and my body (good).
I haven’t been following a strict exercise routine (should)…
but I have been listening to my body and how it wants to move, and doing my best to oblige (good).
I haven’t been obsessively trying to get a million things done every day and packing my schedule from sun-up to sun-down because that’s what productive people do and it’s the only way to get ahead in life (should)…
but I have been lounging on the sofa and reading and watching a lot of funny and interesting television and movies all summer (good).
And I do believe that one of my goals for this time; my time alone in NYC and working with Rachael, was to get in touch with what I really needed and develop a relationship with myself and my body that is based on feeling good, sustainably…
So...maybe...I HAVE been taking really good care of myself?
Question mark?
Over the past six months, I’ve actually been giving myself exactly what I’ve needed, but it has looked sooooo much different from anything that I am use to seeing myself do, that it’s been hard to recognize.
Self-Care use to look like eating within strict guidelines and never missing a workout -except for the days that I didn’t leave the couch and ate ice cream for dinner- for fear of losing some part of the identity that I was so desperately trying to reinforce: ‘Super fit-and-healthy dancer girl’.
Self-care also looked like talking a big compassion/motivation game, while simultaneously berating myself for even THINKING about wanting something sweet or deep fried.
I was so obsessed with the idea of Self-care, that I didn't realize it had become an antonym for everything it once stood for. It became stressful. It took up every hour of the day that was not consumed with another scheduled activity, was very rarely based in the present moment, and ultimately, became used as a path to perfection.
Self-Care use to look like eating within strict guidelines and never missing a workout -except for the days that I didn’t leave the couch and ate ice cream for dinner- for fear of losing some part of the identity that I was so desperately trying to reinforce: ‘Super fit-and-healthy dancer girl’.
Self-care also looked like talking a big compassion/motivation game, while simultaneously berating myself for even THINKING about wanting something sweet or deep fried.
I was so obsessed with the idea of Self-care, that I didn't realize it had become an antonym for everything it once stood for. It became stressful. It took up every hour of the day that was not consumed with another scheduled activity, was very rarely based in the present moment, and ultimately, became used as a path to perfection.
And then,
I moved back to NYC.
And in a town of eight and a half million people, no one really gives a shit about how 'well' I am taking care of myself...or whether or not I am perfect...but me.
And, as it turns out, I don't actually care as much as I thought I did.
I moved back to NYC, and I was free. Free of the labels, free of the responsibility of appearing a certain way (no-one cares), and free to re-define my agenda. Self-care included.
Upon my arrival to NYC, I wanted to do nothing but sleep. And so I did. I also realized that I was totally fed up with dieting and exercising to compensate for my percieved inadequacies as a human being, so I stopped doing both. I started meditating more, saying prayers at night, and doing things like walking and reiki to take care of myself and to heal the pieces of me that felt broken. I reveled in my alone time, and lost all desire to date, socialize, or do anything that took more energy then I had to give. I watched lots and lots of funny TV shows and movies, ate a lot of pizza, drank a lot of wine, did my best to get 10,000 steps a day (sometimes), and threw the left over scraps of my former rule book into the metaphorical fire…along with my skinny jeans, my booty shorts and all of the other superfluous items that I had been carrying around with me –and not using- for years.
And, as it turns out, I don't actually care as much as I thought I did.
I moved back to NYC, and I was free. Free of the labels, free of the responsibility of appearing a certain way (no-one cares), and free to re-define my agenda. Self-care included.
Upon my arrival to NYC, I wanted to do nothing but sleep. And so I did. I also realized that I was totally fed up with dieting and exercising to compensate for my percieved inadequacies as a human being, so I stopped doing both. I started meditating more, saying prayers at night, and doing things like walking and reiki to take care of myself and to heal the pieces of me that felt broken. I reveled in my alone time, and lost all desire to date, socialize, or do anything that took more energy then I had to give. I watched lots and lots of funny TV shows and movies, ate a lot of pizza, drank a lot of wine, did my best to get 10,000 steps a day (sometimes), and threw the left over scraps of my former rule book into the metaphorical fire…along with my skinny jeans, my booty shorts and all of the other superfluous items that I had been carrying around with me –and not using- for years.
And then,
when I had to buy bigger pants,
I didn’t lose my mind.
“Why did you REALLY stop the cleanse?”
Rachael asked me as we continued our discussion,
“And what did you get out of it?”
Honestly? Honestly.
Why did I really stop the cleanse? I stopped cleansing because I needed to hit the re-set button on my personal motivators. I was attempting to commit to its completion from a place of fear, not love.
Fear tells me that I have something to prove, love tells me that I already know exactly what I need to do to take care of myself, and reminds me to be brave, compassionate and patient in doing so.
Also, I was not doing it 100% for myself, and I no longer wish to live a life based on pleasing others.
Fear tells me that I have something to prove, love tells me that I already know exactly what I need to do to take care of myself, and reminds me to be brave, compassionate and patient in doing so.
Also, I was not doing it 100% for myself, and I no longer wish to live a life based on pleasing others.
What did I get out of the cleanse? The reminder that I already know what is best for me. That I know full well how to take care of myself, and that doing things that are in-authentic to me in the name of someone or something else does NOT create motivation or resilience, but rather resentment and fear.
I already know...
'I already know'.
How many times has Rachael said this to me over the past four months?
“You already know everything I’m telling you”…
“I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know”…
“You already know the answers”
Session 8, I got it;
I already know.
I know that it is safe to trust myself, and I know that I already have all of the answers to my questions.
“Oh! Oh my Gosh!" I said.
"Here I am! I am here!”
*lightbulb moment*
We both laughed
:-)
"Here I am! I am here!”
*lightbulb moment*
We both laughed
:-)
I am HERE.
Here, where I have wondered -for as long as I can remember- if I would ever be.
Here, where I trust and believe that I actually know myself.
Here, where I know and believe that I can actually trust myself.
Here, where I no longer need to commit to anything that doesn’t feel right, and I am free to commit to what does…
and then make a change if it feels right, and not make a move until it does.
Here where I can love myself, and speak up for myself, and follow my own instincts without the weight of anyone else on my mind or in my heart.
Here, where I no longer need to deny that I ALREADY KNOW (what I want, what is best for me, what is true in my heart)…because I do.
I already Know.
You already Know.
We ALL ALREADY KNOW.
And it is enough to trust what we Know.
And that is so freaking awesome.
Here, where I have wondered -for as long as I can remember- if I would ever be.
Here, where I trust and believe that I actually know myself.
Here, where I know and believe that I can actually trust myself.
Here, where I no longer need to commit to anything that doesn’t feel right, and I am free to commit to what does…
and then make a change if it feels right, and not make a move until it does.
Here where I can love myself, and speak up for myself, and follow my own instincts without the weight of anyone else on my mind or in my heart.
Here, where I no longer need to deny that I ALREADY KNOW (what I want, what is best for me, what is true in my heart)…because I do.
I already Know.
You already Know.
We ALL ALREADY KNOW.
And it is enough to trust what we Know.
And that is so freaking awesome.
What I didn’t know until this moment –the moment that I knew that I knew- is that THIS is why I began reiki in the first place; to clear the crap and clutter that was standing in the way of me knowing what I Know… what I have always Known;
That I do, have, and always will, indeed, already Know.
It may not always be pretty, it may not always be what I want it to be, but at least I can finally feel like I have all the facts, because they are my facts, and that is all that I need. It’s all that I have ever needed, and all that I will ever need.
It is just me -who I have always been, and who I have been waiting to be all along- me; Known.
That I do, have, and always will, indeed, already Know.
It may not always be pretty, it may not always be what I want it to be, but at least I can finally feel like I have all the facts, because they are my facts, and that is all that I need. It’s all that I have ever needed, and all that I will ever need.
It is just me -who I have always been, and who I have been waiting to be all along- me; Known.
I can still remember with incredible clarity the first time I ever saw the mountains. My parents and I were driving from Iowa City, Iowa to Crested Butte, Colorado for a summer performing arts camp. They were to teach, and I was to take. As we gradually got closer and closer to our final destination, I remember my mother saying to me: “look momo, see the mountains?” I gazed off into the distance, and squinted my eyes just enough to make out the rough edges of the impending terrain…it looked like one giant hill. But as we drew closer, that one giant hill began to disperse into large, majestic bodies of land and snow and trees and rivers, grander than anything I had ever seen in my life.
They were indeed the mountains, and they were sensational.
They were indeed the mountains, and they were sensational.
This has been a lot like my experience in New York over the past six months. When I arrived, I felt like my task was singular; to scale what appeared to be the greatest hill I could climb. However, as I set out to do so, I found that the mound of rocks and dirt in front of me was actually one piece in a giant set –a mountain range, if you will- and suddenly, being able to see the whole picture made the idea of that first climb a lot less intimidating.
In my last session with Rachael, discovering that I could move to Oregon (or anywhere of my choosing) and write (or do anything of my choosing) and listen to my heart and live life on my own terms was like catching a glimpse of the entire range vs. just the one mountain. Suddenly, performing on Broadway became a PIECE of the puzzle…instead of the whole thing. By removing the pressure of ‘all or nothing’, the waters of creation and imagination were/are able to flow, and my whole energy has shifted. In the past two weeks, I’ve found myself dreaming up all kinds of infinite possibilities for my life; a life that I have always thought would go only one of two ways; I would either stay in NY and live ‘the dream’ –or- I would move back home to New Mexico, get my psychology degree, become a therapist for at-risk youth, get married, have babies, and ship them off to my parents farm for the summers so that my husband and I could wander Europe together. Now, it looks like I could move to Oregon, write my books, have a million outdoor adventures, work in theatre on the West Coast, and go from there...or anything else that I want, which does not have to include or exclude any of the aforementioned possibilities, but rather, greatly expands the repertoire of desire all together.
With the inception of the Oregon plan, it’s like I can suddenly see MUCH further down the road than ever before.
Most importantly, I no longer feel stuck, which comes as a giant relief.
I still feel like I need to audition, even though my heart knows that I don't need to ‘achieve’ any tangible result for it to be worth my time. I am praying for financial solvency, and booking a big contract would definitely be one way, but I know that it's not the only way, just the thought patterns that I have become most accustom to.
Part of my heart feels sad, like it is attempting to mourn the life that I was so certain that I was going to have (NY, B-way etc.) and I also can’t shake the curiosity about 'how would I feel if I WAS indeed living that life; might I feel a lot differently about New York if I could actually afford to live here without so much financial stress?
I also know Broadway performers worry about money and life just like everyone else. A show can close, an ankle can break, shit happens.
Part of my heart feels sad, like it is attempting to mourn the life that I was so certain that I was going to have (NY, B-way etc.) and I also can’t shake the curiosity about 'how would I feel if I WAS indeed living that life; might I feel a lot differently about New York if I could actually afford to live here without so much financial stress?
I also know Broadway performers worry about money and life just like everyone else. A show can close, an ankle can break, shit happens.
The other part of my heart –when I remember to check in with it- feels like it is soaring with new energy. It is so ready to go and expand and explore what lies beyond the wild blue yonder. To navigate life in ways that I have never dared to try; with ultimate trust and faith, knowing that the answers are always inside of me, and always guiding me towards fulfilling my heart, and experiencing my greatest, ever-expanding, human potential.
I no longer feel that I have to close a door in order to open a window.
The rooms are available, all the time, to all of us.
The only choice we have to make is which one we feel called to explore.
I no longer feel that I have to close a door in order to open a window.
The rooms are available, all the time, to all of us.
The only choice we have to make is which one we feel called to explore.
 |  |
| “Fear is the neon sign post over the door, telling you exactly where you need to go”. -Beth Clayton |  |
Over the weekend, following lots of meditation, I began the process of releasing items that I associate with old identities. I ended up throwing out all of my old head shots, and picking about 9 songs from my 2 giant music books that I really love to sing, and threw the rest out. I threw out all of my dance shoes (donated) minus my tap shoes which I wanted to keep, and got rid of everything that doesn't fit right (things that I was saving for when I was ‘as skinny as I was last summer’) which managed to fill FOUR boxes. When I go to my next home, I will be able to transport everything I have in 2 duffel bags and a backpack.
Beginnings have become endings,
endings have become beginnings,
and I want to be a part of all of it.
I am so scared.
And so excited.
:-)
The moment before:
I just dropped my father off at the train station after a whirlwind 24 hour visit. My heart is heavy and I am sad to have realized just how much my jolly nature has been lying low as of late. On the other hand, I am SO happy that my father was here, grateful to have had such a wonderful visit, and relieved to re-remember, yet again, another part of myself that seems to only come out to play in small doses here in NYC.
I just dropped my father off at the train station after a whirlwind 24 hour visit. My heart is heavy and I am sad to have realized just how much my jolly nature has been lying low as of late. On the other hand, I am SO happy that my father was here, grateful to have had such a wonderful visit, and relieved to re-remember, yet again, another part of myself that seems to only come out to play in small doses here in NYC.
the Oregon trail
I am feeling sad enough that I almost don’t want to have a session…which is SAD…but naturally, I know better and am relieved to hear Rachael’s voice as soon as I answer her call.
She notes that my energy feels heavy and immediately inquires as to the state of my heart. I tell her about my father’s visit, and she is quick to empathize, reminding me:
“Aren’t we so lucky to have parents that we love THAT MUCH?!”
We are so lucky.
I am so lucky to have two parents who have loved me as hard and as best they could, and still continue to do so, long after I have –essentially- flown the coop.
I am feeling sad enough that I almost don’t want to have a session…which is SAD…but naturally, I know better and am relieved to hear Rachael’s voice as soon as I answer her call.
She notes that my energy feels heavy and immediately inquires as to the state of my heart. I tell her about my father’s visit, and she is quick to empathize, reminding me:
“Aren’t we so lucky to have parents that we love THAT MUCH?!”
We are so lucky.
I am so lucky to have two parents who have loved me as hard and as best they could, and still continue to do so, long after I have –essentially- flown the coop.
I remember when I was younger; feeling like anyone who moved home to be ‘close to mom and dad’ was just a two bit hack who took the easy road because they didn’t have what it takes to make it on their own. Now, I feel quite the opposite. I would consider myself incredibly lucky to live in close proximity to my mother and father, especially when the day comes that I have a family of my own to take care of. I want my children to know my parents; to soak in all the love and hard earned wisdom that they have acquired in their combined 135 years on the planet. I want to continue to know my parents as they continue to evolve throughout the rest of their lives. They are so incredibly dear to me and two of my absolute most favorite people on the entire planet, why WOULDN’T I want to be close them?
I remember when I was younger; feeling like anyone who moved home to be ‘close to mom and dad’ was just a two bit hack who took the easy road because they didn’t have what it takes to make it on their own. Now, I feel quite the opposite. I would consider myself incredibly lucky to live in close proximity to my mother and father, especially when the day comes that I have a family of my own to take care of. I want my children to know my parents; to soak in all the love and hard earned wisdom that they have acquired in their combined 135 years on the planet. I want to continue to know my parents as they continue to evolve throughout the rest of their lives. They are so incredibly dear to me and two of my absolute most favorite people on the entire planet, why WOULDN’T I want to be close them?
This all came up in my session, right after the reiki, which happened right after Rachael asked me for my intention. I gave her some long winded answer about wanting –nay- NEEDING to ‘be ok with being here’ (NYC) and praying to let go of whatever it was/is that keeps me feeling like I have one foot out the door, or like I am still not quite where I am supposed to be.
| “I want to be OK with being here and with building here” I say. | “This all feels quite heavy to you” Rachael notes. |
Yes, it feels VERY heavy.
Rachael draws my attention to the sensation of being trapped in the problem –energetically speaking, where I am constantly seeking a solution, and doing so with the same mindset that is creating/living the problem in the first place-, and requests that as she does the energy clearing, I let myself rise out of the problem, and feel for the solution.
And with that, we begin.
(This part always makes me smile)
I lye back and hear Rachael say “Talk to you in a bit” following which she mutes the phone on her end and I drift off into a blissful cloud of nothingness. I take a few deep breaths and instantly feel the rays of sunny warmth that I have come to associate with Rachael’s healing-powers wash over me, as the heavy, stale energy is lifted from my vibrational field. Although each session is different, the essence is a lot like coming up for air after a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally long swim;
(This part always makes me smile)
I lye back and hear Rachael say “Talk to you in a bit” following which she mutes the phone on her end and I drift off into a blissful cloud of nothingness. I take a few deep breaths and instantly feel the rays of sunny warmth that I have come to associate with Rachael’s healing-powers wash over me, as the heavy, stale energy is lifted from my vibrational field. Although each session is different, the essence is a lot like coming up for air after a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally long swim;
like you didn’t even notice how depleted your energy was until you were able to take a full breath.
This process, which is referred to as energy tracing, is incredibly transformative. It’s a conversation with your inner most knowing’s; the places inside of you that are totally tuned in with your heart and all of your senses, but are so frequently drowned out by all the life crap, that you really need a translator to communicate between the two worlds.
Rachael is one such person.
Rachael is one such person.
She worked for about fifteen minutes, following which she came back on line with a LOT of information to share with me about what I was experiencing internally.
This, I have lovingly come to refer to, as ‘Chakra talk’, and it is one of my most favorite parts of our sessions together. Rachael goes thru each chakra (the energy centers of our body), clarifying what each one represents, and then sharing with me the particular message/s that are resonating within.
And if you’re still confused, picture it like this;
This, I have lovingly come to refer to, as ‘Chakra talk’, and it is one of my most favorite parts of our sessions together. Rachael goes thru each chakra (the energy centers of our body), clarifying what each one represents, and then sharing with me the particular message/s that are resonating within.
And if you’re still confused, picture it like this;
| At birth, you were given a map and a set of clues to find an incredible buried treasure that is intended for no one but you. |  |
 Eventually, due to the acquisition of many year’s worth of junk, your map gets shoved in your back pocket and your stained clue sheet gets eaten by polar bears. | However, over the years, you spill several glasses of wine on your map and use your clue-sheet as a place mat.  |
 | You wander lost for some time –knowing that there was something that you were supposed to do, but not certain of what it was- until one day, you’re out of toilet paper and you reach in your back pocket hoping to find a suitable replacement, only to pull the map that you had completely forgotten about out of your pocket... |
| ...get really excited... |  |
...decide that you are going to find that damn treasure once and for all...
and then realize that you’re going to need a really good Sherpa.
and then realize that you’re going to need a really good Sherpa.
| THAT IS NOT Rachael. That is KARL; my photographer. (He likes to test the lens.)  |  |
-SEE METAPHORICAL SHERPA IMAGES BELOW-
RACHAEL is the best
sherpa.
CHAKRA-TALK 7.0: | (Listed below in bold is the information that Rachael ‘translated’ -on my behalf- back to me, from myself. The italicized comments are my real time responses to the information I was given.) |
Crown- The highest chakra represents our ability to be fully connected spiritually.
Oh my god I am so scared of making the wrong choice; scared of judgment. Scared of disappointment…from self???
Yes, I am absolutely terrified of making the wrong choice. I feel like I have a destiny to fulfill, and that if I don’t stick to the right path and the right choices, I will screw everything up, my life will have been a waste, and I will never get anywhere.
Release the idea that there’s a right choice and a wrong choice
Fuckin GAME CHANGER.
There is no right or wrong choice, there is only the choice that you (I) MAKE, and then the Universe calculates/works around YOU to keep you on track?!?! Can it be so? I mean, I have always known and believed this to be true for OTHER people, but hearing the words come straight at me made a great big world of difference.
There is no right or wrong choice, there is only the choice that you (I) MAKE, and then the Universe calculates/works around YOU to keep you on track?!?! Can it be so? I mean, I have always known and believed this to be true for OTHER people, but hearing the words come straight at me made a great big world of difference.
“There’s so much available to me and it could be anywhere!”- instead of this idea feeling freeing to you it is feeling like…’oh god it could be anywhere so I have to FIND the RIGHT place’….as opposed to ‘it is everywhere and can find you wherever you are!!’ –or- ‘it CAN be anywhere; wherever you choose to be!’
That is EXACTLY how I have been interpreting that idea, and exactly how I have been feeling; like it is my job to find ‘it’ instead of trusting that ‘it’ is everywhere, and can find me wherever I choose to be. Essentially, feeling like it is MY job to do GOD’S work. I do believe that this is what creates the sensation of running over one’s self to try and get a head. Whatever we are seeking is seeking us, but when we turn around to make sure it’s coming, the shift in energy manages to push it away. Keep moving forward, and you will inevitably run smack into what it is that you are after…or it will run smack into you.
Morgan, what makes you happy??
(We discussed this with enlightening detail after the reiki.)
Everything is available to you EVERYWHERE.
Awesome. Suddenly, I am totally getting it.
If you NEED to be somewhere different it will call you!!
Kind of like New York did. Also, awesome.
Is there a place that’s calling you now??
AAAAActually, funny you should mention it, but I can’t get Oregon out of my head. Something about it feels free and limitless, like it has all of the components that I desire for my ideal life.
3rd eye- Our ability to focus on and see the big picture.
Why are you not trusting yourself, why are your feelings (your centered feelings) not enough??
Probably because I am afraid of making the wrong choice as my Crown Chakra pointed out. This question also plays a lot into self-worth, fear of inadequacy and the ‘who am I to do/be/have/live/love etc. the things that I want to or the way that I want to’; who am I to believe that I am allowed to think well of myself and to trust that what I know I am capable of is also my divine birth right?
What do you WANT to do?? Like if there were no rules, no judgment, no consequences...
The essence of this question –for me- used to be more about what I would do if MONEY wasn’t an obstacle, but in this moment it feels like the doorway into the part of me that is unafraid of what other people will think of me if I ______________, or how my life choices might be perceived by the outside world. Suddenly, I don’t really give a shit.
I believe, when we were discussing this after the fact, my response was something like: “Well, I would get the HELL out of HERE!”
I believe, when we were discussing this after the fact, my response was something like: “Well, I would get the HELL out of HERE!”
Throat- Our ability to communicate.
Tired of trying to figure it out.
Yes I am. I’ve been looking for ‘it’ –the right thing- for what feels like a REALLY long time, and I am so freakin’ beat.
So don’t try to figure it out…instead focus on how you feel.
I love this. I KNOW this. How the hell did I forget SO much? And how DO I want to feel? Light and expansive, free, vibrant, buoyant and exuberant about life…to name a few.
What makes you feel bright?
Creative freedom. Self expression. Creating my OWN structure, not working for someone elses. Open air, direct access to the outdoors where there is sunlight and wide open spaces and the freedom to roam.
What makes you feel dark?
Confined spaces, rigid schedule, quick pace of life makes me feel like I am going to flat line or run myself into the ground.
Follow the brightness.
This feels like stepping off of a cliff and hoping to God that I can fly.
Heart- Our ability to love.
Acceptance of exactly where you are right now with the awareness that this has nothing to do with the future.
Game Changer #2. This feels like a great big ol’ confirmation of what I have started to feel, which is that being in New York right now has very little to do with New York and what it has to offer, but rather, everything to do with me and the growth that I have needed the to space to embody.
The future could look very different than it does right now.
This makes me very excited.
Feels like there’s something that you are wanting that you are not allowing yourself to want or to want to do!!!!
I keep thinking about Oregon. Moving to Oregon to be a writer and finally give birth to this giant thing that feels like a hole in my heart and is asking for space and un-interrupted time to complete.
Solar- Our ability to be confident and in control of our lives.
PLEASE keep moving toward a life that feels better…this is what your soul is asking you to do. Do not punish yourself.
I love this. It feels like the permission that I have been asking for; permission to see things from MY perspective and to believe that life can be anything and everything you/I make of it. I have been waiting for permission, looking for it elsewhere, and here it is, coming from inside of me which is the only place that will ever matter when it comes to permission.
Sacral- Our connection and ability to accept others and new experiences.
It feels like there’s something that you are wanting that you are not allowing yourself to want or to want to do!!!!! Your judgement of yourself is getting in your way; what are you judging yourself about?
Oregon Oregon Oregon.
Writer writer writer.
The judgement is around moving to a seemingly random location to pursue something that has never really been a part of my identity. ‘What will people think? What if I am forgotten? What if I become just an average person who lives in a little town in Oregon, writes books, and is really, really HAPPY?’
Writer writer writer.
The judgement is around moving to a seemingly random location to pursue something that has never really been a part of my identity. ‘What will people think? What if I am forgotten? What if I become just an average person who lives in a little town in Oregon, writes books, and is really, really HAPPY?’
Root- Represents our foundation and feeling of being grounded
Getting tired of not being settled, but also not FEELING settled now and not feeling like wanting to settle HERE.
Yup. SO much so. Every time I think of moving myself somewhere –to another temporary location- it feels as though a tiny little piece of my soul goes flat. I keep waiting, trying to be ‘ready’ to set my stuff down here. And it’s not just the to-be-expected nerves about committing to something big, but there is a strong resistance to settling here.
Something inside of me wants me to know that there is something that feels even BIGGER and BETTER and MORE expansive. The essence of my Root Chakra could not be more on point.
Something inside of me wants me to know that there is something that feels even BIGGER and BETTER and MORE expansive. The essence of my Root Chakra could not be more on point.
Woah.
This session…was massive.
When the clearing was done, I felt twelve thousand times lighter, relieved that the clarity that I had so desperately been seeking in my previous session (half way! Something’s gotta’ give!) showed up with such gusto that it blew the doors off of my previous, self-imposed, ‘upper limits’. It was the permission that I have been waiting for –the validation that I knew something was different all along/ that something was not quite right- and it all came from inside of me. It was me, letting myself know that ‘I want something different!’ despite how it may look externally. And for the first time, this thought was exciting.
“I haven’t told you anything that you didn’t know already, which is great because it means that you are really, really in tune with yourself. I mean, I’m sitting here thinking ‘I want to move to Oregon!’ and I know that that isn’t MY thought; I don’t want to move to Oregon, that’s YOUR thought that I’m getting” Rachael explained to me.
As she continued to talk, her voice grew in excitement and intensity as she informed me that it is rare that she ‘tells people what to do’, but that everything inside of me was screaming so loudly, she highly recommended I listen.
As Rachael and I continued to discuss the clearing, we took a good chunk of time to answer the following question that came up from my Crown Chakra.
As Rachael and I continued to discuss the clearing, we took a good chunk of time to answer the following question that came up from my Crown Chakra.
“Morgan, what makes you happy??”
I took a second, feeling the words about to come out of my mouth…I don’t know…and before I could speak, Rachael jumped in;
“You DO know.”
“What makes you happy?”
Being around my parents. Being close to that family…
Being outside in the wilderness…
Being with good friends and laughing and just enjoying each other’s company in general, and not for the sake of anything or just to be around people; but being able to enjoy someone’s company one-on-one.
I took a second, feeling the words about to come out of my mouth…I don’t know…and before I could speak, Rachael jumped in;
“You DO know.”
“What makes you happy?”
Being around my parents. Being close to that family…
Being outside in the wilderness…
Being with good friends and laughing and just enjoying each other’s company in general, and not for the sake of anything or just to be around people; but being able to enjoy someone’s company one-on-one.
I went on to mention my parents some more and what it feels like to be so close to them. I mentioned a paramour of mine who still warms my heart and loves to go exploring with me. I discussed my girl-friend, Sara, in Oregon, who is living some version of the life that I’m dreaming of, and who I feel very strongly to be one of the people that I am most connected to on the entire planet. I mentioned the warmth and sanctity of my brunch/coffee dates with a friend from St. Louis who was/is an unexpected lifer of a friend, and the unbridled love of a girl- friend of mine who lives in Texas; a friendship that I described as ‘whiskey and honey’; when we’re together it feels super sweet…but anything could happen.
“Ok, what else?”
I love being silly with people and making people laugh and being me…not entertaining people but just cutting loose with people and being goofy. Knowing I’m a goofball and bringing that with me into whatever I’m doing.
Silly! Goofy! Playful! I feel like I haven’t seen THOSE dwarves in MONTHS!!! Until my father’s visit, I’d almost forgotten that they existed.
Animals! Being with animals…I love animals.
Exploring & going on adventures...
Eating good food...
Goodness…good food, good things that come out of the earth,
working with the ground….gardening with mom or growing things,
being part of a loving community…
I start to laugh. Not the kind of laugh that might indulge a funny joke, but the kind that might echo throughout your closet when you finally find that pair of shoes that you ‘lost’ in their 3 years ago.
Rachael feels my giggles, which means that she already knows the answer to her own question, but she asks anyway;
“What are you thinking?”
I’m thinking ‘Oh! I DO know what makes me happy!
And then I’m thinking ‘Oh FUCK! None of that is here!!!!! Not that it can’t be here, but it’s not here yet!
I love being silly with people and making people laugh and being me…not entertaining people but just cutting loose with people and being goofy. Knowing I’m a goofball and bringing that with me into whatever I’m doing.
Silly! Goofy! Playful! I feel like I haven’t seen THOSE dwarves in MONTHS!!! Until my father’s visit, I’d almost forgotten that they existed.
Animals! Being with animals…I love animals.
Exploring & going on adventures...
Eating good food...
Goodness…good food, good things that come out of the earth,
working with the ground….gardening with mom or growing things,
being part of a loving community…
I start to laugh. Not the kind of laugh that might indulge a funny joke, but the kind that might echo throughout your closet when you finally find that pair of shoes that you ‘lost’ in their 3 years ago.
Rachael feels my giggles, which means that she already knows the answer to her own question, but she asks anyway;
“What are you thinking?”
I’m thinking ‘Oh! I DO know what makes me happy!
And then I’m thinking ‘Oh FUCK! None of that is here!!!!! Not that it can’t be here, but it’s not here yet!
Thus, my homework:
Pick three things from this list that you can implement where you are, and start doing them RIGHT NOW.
Pick three things from this list that you can implement where you are, and start doing them RIGHT NOW.
This week, I will call some friends, I will get my hands in the dirt, and I will go for a hiking adventure.
That’s what I can do right now.
I may move to Oregon in the not so distant future, or I may find that what I really needed was to know that there are no limits placed upon me, other than those that I place upon myself.
At the close of our session, I am left with a whole new world of thoughts and possibilities. I am NOT trapped, as I had previously felt (without even really knowing it), I am actually quite in touch with myself and what makes me happy, and I am capable of finding ways to provide those things for myself wherever I am, pretty much no matter what.
Empowered.
I am feeling empowered.
And I didn’t even know it until I wrote it down, but ‘empowered’ is one of the ways that I have most longed to feel, so thank you session 7, thank you Rachael, and thank you me, for the reminder.
SO jazzed to be heading into session 8!
Empowered.
I am feeling empowered.
And I didn’t even know it until I wrote it down, but ‘empowered’ is one of the ways that I have most longed to feel, so thank you session 7, thank you Rachael, and thank you me, for the reminder.
SO jazzed to be heading into session 8!
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