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| Just as Rachael is about to start the reiki, she shares with me something that came to her, and feels very important: | “It is possible for you to feel organized in your life and what you are doing.” |
This is nice to hear.
..I have felt like a discombobulated, irresponsible, flaky artist for so long that it feels ‘out of character’ or ‘un-artistic’ to have my shit together.
And with that, we both take a deep breath, and the clearing begins...
And with that, we both take a deep breath, and the clearing begins...
 | I see the inside of my Wonder Woman ‘cave’. It is black and the walls look like they have been burnt by smoke and ash. I feel energy coursing through my body, swirling particularly around my shoulders, almost as if Rachael herself is in there, chipping away at the bonds that are keeping them rigid and elevated. |
Various other images came up and I certainly felt Rachael removing lots of heavy energy from my chest and legs, but the final image of the session was my favorite;
A woman at a round desk with many different panels projecting outward -like rays of sunshine- was sitting in a swivel chair and swishing from panel to panel, in her own time, giving as much or as little attention as she desired to what was in front of her, and then spinning in her chair and stopping in line with whatever she wanted to work on next. It felt like being the axis point on a bicycle wheel; able to move freely from spoke to spoke without any distractions.
Various other images came up and I certainly felt Rachael removing lots of heavy energy from my chest and legs, but the final image of the session was my favorite;
A woman at a round desk with many different panels projecting outward -like rays of sunshine- was sitting in a swivel chair and swishing from panel to panel, in her own time, giving as much or as little attention as she desired to what was in front of her, and then spinning in her chair and stopping in line with whatever she wanted to work on next. It felt like being the axis point on a bicycle wheel; able to move freely from spoke to spoke without any distractions.
| The image felt strong, grounded, and very, very centered. It felt like a steel rod had shot through me, roots to infinity, and I was now eternally positioned at the center of my being, and connected equally to both the Earth and the Sky. |  |
Rachael shared with me what she received on her end…
CHAKRA TALK 4.0:
Crown- There was the vision of me attempting to hold space with no need. Is this something you can ask the Universe to be responsible for?
I am working on trusting and engaging with the Universe as a friend. Issues with trust seem to be presenting themselves a lot.
Third Eye- You have evidence and proof and a clear feeling that you CAN function as the person you want to be/person you have now FOUND yourself to be (big exhale /sigh of relief at the moment this came in…and then the sirens came!!!)
My weekend in California and my maid of honor duties reminded me that I am super capable of being largely responsible for gigantic and important things, and also, that managing those gigantic things comes very naturally to me. My inclinations to be loud and bossy actually serve quite well in the appropriate situations, especially when I TRUST myself.
Throat- What feels scary/like it’s going to come crashing down? (big sigh)
Food/exercise
Clothing
Broadway… there is fear that you can’t engage with your artist dream “responsibly”…whatever that means.
There is fear within me that I do not know how to engage with these things in a healthy manner. That my relationship with them has been unhealthy for SO long, that I no longer TRUST myself to engage responsibly.
I.e.; be mindful of my diet/exercise because I want to be healthy vs starving myself and over exercising to look a certain way. TRUSTING that I know when I need to buy new shoes vs being terrified that I am somehow going to manage to spend all of my money on shit that I don’t need and once again be broke and need a bail out.
Choosing to pursue life in the arts because I WANT to…if and when I want to…vs letting it define me or validate my existence. No longer expecting a gig or a contract or anything outside of myself to fulfill me, and also embracing the reality that theatre is a really cool job, but it is a job none-the-less, and having one does not eliminate the need for overall happiness and fulfillment from a life full of love and gratitude.
TRUSTING that I am enough as I am, thin/round/new shoes/old shoes/Broadway star or Bee keeper.
Heart-“You have worked to get here…you can let go...It can be easy”
Terror! Terror! Terror! My ‘work hard and prove yourself worthy of being happy’ complex really feels threatened by this one.
Solar-Holding tight on specific next moves/the form…instead, follow the feeling. You have no idea where the path will lead you. Keep breathing.
I have been obsessed with trying to ‘figure it out’. I have been working backwards, trying to guess where I THINK I might want to be in ten years, and going backwards from there vs listening to how I feel now and trusting what I already know to be true….and then getting deeply quiet, listening to what is in my heart, and making choices based on what feels good.
Sacral- Deep knowing and grounded understanding that you can have and create whatever you desire.
“Manifestation is key… Manifestation is fun…Manifestation is powerful...our thoughts are powerful. Our energetic mindset is powerful. We are powerful. Be careful and intentional in –and- expressive with your power.”
I understand this, I believe it, and I know it to be true. I also know that all too often I get discouraged by the opinions of those who don’t. Also, I get very overwhelmed at the thought and reality that I really CAN create anything…so what do I wish to create?
Root- It feels like emerging from a plane crash, like….am I really okay? Is everything really okay?...Everything is okay….whoa….can I trust this?
I have been so profoundly taken care of over the past three years. So many situations have crossed my path that I had no idea how to handle, and the answer/home/finances/job/person/place/thing has always showed up. Always. I am not crazy to trust –at this point, with the mountain of evidence stacked in Universal favor, I would be crazier NOT to- but it does make me nervous.
I can trust. I can trust that it’s all good.
That I have the answers.
That I am connected to my heart, and that the Universe DOES know what I desire most.
No need to have it all figured out, just take loving actions, and trust…
I am working on trusting and engaging with the Universe as a friend. Issues with trust seem to be presenting themselves a lot.
Third Eye- You have evidence and proof and a clear feeling that you CAN function as the person you want to be/person you have now FOUND yourself to be (big exhale /sigh of relief at the moment this came in…and then the sirens came!!!)
My weekend in California and my maid of honor duties reminded me that I am super capable of being largely responsible for gigantic and important things, and also, that managing those gigantic things comes very naturally to me. My inclinations to be loud and bossy actually serve quite well in the appropriate situations, especially when I TRUST myself.
Throat- What feels scary/like it’s going to come crashing down? (big sigh)
Food/exercise
Clothing
Broadway… there is fear that you can’t engage with your artist dream “responsibly”…whatever that means.
There is fear within me that I do not know how to engage with these things in a healthy manner. That my relationship with them has been unhealthy for SO long, that I no longer TRUST myself to engage responsibly.
I.e.; be mindful of my diet/exercise because I want to be healthy vs starving myself and over exercising to look a certain way. TRUSTING that I know when I need to buy new shoes vs being terrified that I am somehow going to manage to spend all of my money on shit that I don’t need and once again be broke and need a bail out.
Choosing to pursue life in the arts because I WANT to…if and when I want to…vs letting it define me or validate my existence. No longer expecting a gig or a contract or anything outside of myself to fulfill me, and also embracing the reality that theatre is a really cool job, but it is a job none-the-less, and having one does not eliminate the need for overall happiness and fulfillment from a life full of love and gratitude.
TRUSTING that I am enough as I am, thin/round/new shoes/old shoes/Broadway star or Bee keeper.
Heart-“You have worked to get here…you can let go...It can be easy”
Terror! Terror! Terror! My ‘work hard and prove yourself worthy of being happy’ complex really feels threatened by this one.
Solar-Holding tight on specific next moves/the form…instead, follow the feeling. You have no idea where the path will lead you. Keep breathing.
I have been obsessed with trying to ‘figure it out’. I have been working backwards, trying to guess where I THINK I might want to be in ten years, and going backwards from there vs listening to how I feel now and trusting what I already know to be true….and then getting deeply quiet, listening to what is in my heart, and making choices based on what feels good.
Sacral- Deep knowing and grounded understanding that you can have and create whatever you desire.
“Manifestation is key… Manifestation is fun…Manifestation is powerful...our thoughts are powerful. Our energetic mindset is powerful. We are powerful. Be careful and intentional in –and- expressive with your power.”
I understand this, I believe it, and I know it to be true. I also know that all too often I get discouraged by the opinions of those who don’t. Also, I get very overwhelmed at the thought and reality that I really CAN create anything…so what do I wish to create?
Root- It feels like emerging from a plane crash, like….am I really okay? Is everything really okay?...Everything is okay….whoa….can I trust this?
I have been so profoundly taken care of over the past three years. So many situations have crossed my path that I had no idea how to handle, and the answer/home/finances/job/person/place/thing has always showed up. Always. I am not crazy to trust –at this point, with the mountain of evidence stacked in Universal favor, I would be crazier NOT to- but it does make me nervous.
I can trust. I can trust that it’s all good.
That I have the answers.
That I am connected to my heart, and that the Universe DOES know what I desire most.
No need to have it all figured out, just take loving actions, and trust…
So that is what I will work on this week.
At the close of our session, I told Rachael that I felt like I was the captain of a giant ship that had just left the dock. That I was finally on my way, on my journey, cutting ties with the past and sailing off into my future with no GPS…just good ol’ fashioned instincts, which I will now need to trust more than ever.
I have no clue where I am going, but I know that I will get there a lot faster now than I would have before.
I am already excited for my next session.
I have no clue where I am going, but I know that I will get there a lot faster now than I would have before.
I am already excited for my next session.
My current state of being without much explanation:
I am messy and ungrounded. I am at a loss. Everything is out of my body and up in the air, which is a wild feeling. Mostly, I feel like I am reaching for something to grab onto, but when I can let myself breathe into the madness of it all…it is kind of exhilarating. I am scared of all the unknowns and scared to rest. Scared to take the summer off from really trying to DO anything major with my life for fear that if I stop pushing, life will stop happening.
I am messy and ungrounded. I am at a loss. Everything is out of my body and up in the air, which is a wild feeling. Mostly, I feel like I am reaching for something to grab onto, but when I can let myself breathe into the madness of it all…it is kind of exhilarating. I am scared of all the unknowns and scared to rest. Scared to take the summer off from really trying to DO anything major with my life for fear that if I stop pushing, life will stop happening.
So, I’m back in New York for the third time in my life; a place that hastraditionally been all about Broadway. As in; Broadway or bust/Broadway is the only reason I’m here/once I get on Broadway, I will be free to leave/happy/fulfilled…
However.
I haven’t been to an audition in probably a month.
I haven’t exercised in just as long.
I am working as a receptionist and part-time nanny.
I feel totally confused and afraid not to care or worry.
I feel reeeeeally tired.
I feel like I got back to NYC and picked up right where I left off as a 27 year old and am now, once again, swimming through a crater sized lagoon of my old pit-falls;
However.
I haven’t been to an audition in probably a month.
I haven’t exercised in just as long.
I am working as a receptionist and part-time nanny.
I feel totally confused and afraid not to care or worry.
I feel reeeeeally tired.
I feel like I got back to NYC and picked up right where I left off as a 27 year old and am now, once again, swimming through a crater sized lagoon of my old pit-falls;
I am not _________ enough.
I should just _________ so that I can be enough.
Hopefully, once I have/do/become _________, I will be enough...
...
...
...
…Enough for what…?
...an excellent question, and one that I keep asking myself.
For years, I have been running this track. Feeling not enough, then doing a bunch of things that I think will make me enough, only to find myself totally exhausted and continually unsatisfied…and still, not enough.
For years, I have been running this track. Feeling not enough, then doing a bunch of things that I think will make me enough, only to find myself totally exhausted and continually unsatisfied…and still, not enough.
My mother has a great saying about this. It goes something like; “we continue to fall into the same holes over and over again, only to dig ourselves out and fall right back in… until one day, right before we are about to fall in for the umpteenth time, we manage to stop, look at the hole and say “ooooh NO! No, I see you hole, and I will NOT fall in you again…”, at which point we proudly step over or around said hole, and in the midst of doing the happy dance of joy for not falling in A-GAIN, we trip on our heels, and fall straight into a NEW hole.”
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
I believe this is called life. I do not believe that we ever escape the holes.
However, I DO believe that they get fewer and further between as we venture out into the great unknown, and that these giant potholes have great lessons to teach us… at least the first time.
Maybe the second time. And the third time. And the fourth?
I am starting to wonder how many times I have to fall into the same holes to learn not to fall into them again. How many times will I have to ask myself the same questions about what I really want? And why do I insist on making everything so hard on myself? My mother would like to know the answers to this almost as much as I would….
However, I DO believe that they get fewer and further between as we venture out into the great unknown, and that these giant potholes have great lessons to teach us… at least the first time.
Maybe the second time. And the third time. And the fourth?
I am starting to wonder how many times I have to fall into the same holes to learn not to fall into them again. How many times will I have to ask myself the same questions about what I really want? And why do I insist on making everything so hard on myself? My mother would like to know the answers to this almost as much as I would….
I have thought about this a lot since my last session with Rachael.
How can I be doing all of this spiritual work, and still keep repeating the same choices that I know do not lend themselves to positive results? Choices about how I take care of myself, the way I think about myself and how I interact with others etc.
How can I do all of this soul searching,
and still feel so very far from my soul?
and still feel so very far from my soul?
I have been pursuing enlightenment in one form or another for many years now, and it is only recently that I have begun to stop and question my motives. It has always felt like the obvious choice -to pursue enlightenment VS not pursuing enlightenment- but why? To find the magical key that fits in the magical lock, which once turned, will reveal my true and magnificent self? The self that no longer needs to fall into the same holes, but can -as my mother suggests- “sprout wings and just fly over them…”?
What am I hoping to achieve from all of this soul inspecting and emotional closet cleaning?
WHAT IS ALL OF IT FOR?
This week, I really started to wonder.
I wrote to Rachael about this.
I confessed that when I asked myself why I was doing all of the work that I am doing, I was a bit shocked at the answers that were coming up;
-To be skinny. I want to be enlightened, because enlightened people are skinny and easy breezy and unattached to trivial pleasures.
-To finally be on Broadway, so I can say that I’ve done it and be free to get on with my life.
(I know there is more underneath the surface here, but the sheer terror at THOSE being my first two answers were enough to stop me in my tracks.)
Rachael’s response:
“Question for you: Have you now stopped to ask yourself the true answers to both of these questions??
*Why do you seek spiritual enlightenment?
Why do you want to be an actor/performer/whatever word most resonates with you?
(*If you only answer one of these, answer this one. Chances are your answer to the actor question will be deeply related to the answer to the spiritual enlightenment question :) )”
SO, I stopped to ask myself the true answers to my questions.
-I want to be enlightened because…to me, enlightenment = freedom.
-I want to be an actor/performer/whatever because… at the root of that thing, there is fearless self expression. There is freedom.
…and it continues…
A fit and healthy body represents freedom.
Following dreams represents freedom.
Allowing dreams to change and following new dreams represents freedom;
The freedom to be who I want to be. The freedom to be who I already AM.
The freedom to go where I want to go.
The freedom to live a life of my choosing, and not feel the need to explain myself.
The freedom to be happy without apology.
The freedom to just be.
This week, I really started to wonder.
I wrote to Rachael about this.
I confessed that when I asked myself why I was doing all of the work that I am doing, I was a bit shocked at the answers that were coming up;
-To be skinny. I want to be enlightened, because enlightened people are skinny and easy breezy and unattached to trivial pleasures.
-To finally be on Broadway, so I can say that I’ve done it and be free to get on with my life.
(I know there is more underneath the surface here, but the sheer terror at THOSE being my first two answers were enough to stop me in my tracks.)
Rachael’s response:
“Question for you: Have you now stopped to ask yourself the true answers to both of these questions??
*Why do you seek spiritual enlightenment?
Why do you want to be an actor/performer/whatever word most resonates with you?
(*If you only answer one of these, answer this one. Chances are your answer to the actor question will be deeply related to the answer to the spiritual enlightenment question :) )”
SO, I stopped to ask myself the true answers to my questions.
-I want to be enlightened because…to me, enlightenment = freedom.
-I want to be an actor/performer/whatever because… at the root of that thing, there is fearless self expression. There is freedom.
…and it continues…
A fit and healthy body represents freedom.
Following dreams represents freedom.
Allowing dreams to change and following new dreams represents freedom;
The freedom to be who I want to be. The freedom to be who I already AM.
The freedom to go where I want to go.
The freedom to live a life of my choosing, and not feel the need to explain myself.
The freedom to be happy without apology.
The freedom to just be.
I really want my freedom.
I want it. And I can feel it inside of me, trying to break loose, while simultaneously being repressed by my circumstances and the belief that I am not yet _________ enough to be free right now. As I am.
The belief that because I am not _________ enough; I don’t deserve it; freedom.
The belief that I have not yet worked hard enough to earn it; freedom.
And, perhaps most importantly, the belief that freedom exists somewhere outside of myself.
I want it. And I can feel it inside of me, trying to break loose, while simultaneously being repressed by my circumstances and the belief that I am not yet _________ enough to be free right now. As I am.
The belief that because I am not _________ enough; I don’t deserve it; freedom.
The belief that I have not yet worked hard enough to earn it; freedom.
And, perhaps most importantly, the belief that freedom exists somewhere outside of myself.
As all of this is coming to light, I am also noticing something else.
When Rachael and I first started this work, I didn't have any room inside of me. What I mean by this, is that I was full of old stories and beliefs about myself -most of which were not serving me- and there was no room for new and good to enter into my life.
This week, I have had the strangest feelings. I have felt myself expanding from the inside out, almost as if I am outgrowing my old shell -much the same way a turtle does- from the inside out. A turtle does not pick a new shell every 6 months and then grow INto it, but rather, the shell continues to grow as the turtle expands inside of it. And you're welcome for the turtle analogy.
But for real.
It feels like the space inside of me is expanding. Pushing against the outer walls, blowing me up like a balloon that is certain to pop, leaving limitless room for growth and opportunity in its wake.
And suddenly, it is beginning to hit me; this is it. This is the work, working.
THIS is why I am working with Rachael.
THIS is what Reiki does.
THIS is my closet, cleared out.
THIS is the space I have needed
for inviting all the new and good I wish to invite into my life,
INTO MY LIFE.
If you want to bring something into your life, there has to be space for it. If you want to invite a new friend over to play, you have to throw out all of the clutter you’ve been hoarding so that you have space for them in your home -or in extreme cases- so that you can even get the front door open.
If you want to pick up a leaf off the water, you must be still and open your arms…only then can it come to you. Anything else causes a ripple effect, sending the leaf further and further into the middle of the pond. Again, for the analogy, you’re welcome :-).
I want to be free. I am ok with that. I want to be free, I want to feel free, I want to float around -free- in this sacred new space for a hot second and get to know it before I fill it with a bunch of awesome new shit. ONE nice red sweater, instead of 6 from the different phases of my life. ONE pair of nice, comfortable, black flats. They might be a bit more expensive, but I will wear the crap out of them and they will be totally worth it.
Nice, high quality goods. Nice, high quality beliefs.
Only what I need, and only what makes me feel good.
Free of the need to be free, and in its place, the belief that I already AM.
If you want to pick up a leaf off the water, you must be still and open your arms…only then can it come to you. Anything else causes a ripple effect, sending the leaf further and further into the middle of the pond. Again, for the analogy, you’re welcome :-).
I want to be free. I am ok with that. I want to be free, I want to feel free, I want to float around -free- in this sacred new space for a hot second and get to know it before I fill it with a bunch of awesome new shit. ONE nice red sweater, instead of 6 from the different phases of my life. ONE pair of nice, comfortable, black flats. They might be a bit more expensive, but I will wear the crap out of them and they will be totally worth it.
Nice, high quality goods. Nice, high quality beliefs.
Only what I need, and only what makes me feel good.
Free of the need to be free, and in its place, the belief that I already AM.
The moment before:
I lay asleep on a rock in the sunshine of central park.
I am exhausted from a week spent working two jobs.
I have been averaging 4-5 hours of sleep per night –sometimes less- and I have the sinking feeling that what just a week ago SEEMED like a good idea (to work two jobs all summer and stash a ton of cash) is actually going to leave me fat, sick and broken.
I lay asleep on a rock in the sunshine of central park.
I am exhausted from a week spent working two jobs.
I have been averaging 4-5 hours of sleep per night –sometimes less- and I have the sinking feeling that what just a week ago SEEMED like a good idea (to work two jobs all summer and stash a ton of cash) is actually going to leave me fat, sick and broken.
patchwork heart.
It is Thursday and an hour at which Rachael does not normally take clients. However, due to my current state of affairs, she has made an exception, and squeezed me in. Thank God.
I answer her call with a pleading “RACHAEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL……” which she seems to find quite amusing. I am SO happy to speak with her. I think she can sense this by my tone and the elongated crying out of her name. She greets me with a great big “He-LLOOO!” and a chuckle, and we begin.
I answer her call with a pleading “RACHAEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL……” which she seems to find quite amusing. I am SO happy to speak with her. I think she can sense this by my tone and the elongated crying out of her name. She greets me with a great big “He-LLOOO!” and a chuckle, and we begin.
Today’s intention: LET IT ALL GO
What this means: Let go of everything that is not working –without question or pause as to WHY it isn’t working- just take/give myself permission to let it all go.
What’s not working: Being attached to a man that is many miles away.
What’s not working: Working two jobs for the money-NOT for my soul- which is leaving me ZERO time to take care of my soul and costing me money because I also have no time to cook or do laundry.
What’s not working: Doing a poor job at taking care of myself.
What’s not working: Living in fear that I have lost touch with my greatest desires because I have left no space for them in my life.
What’s not working: The fear that in wanting to be of service to others, people are going to discover that I am a fake…whatever that means…which is keeping me from being of service to others.
What’s not working: Everything feels broken. In pieces. Fragmented. It’s as if my closet has been ripped apart (click here for more on the closet analogy), and now I am sitting amidst the heaps of crap that have been pulled out –most of which I don’t even want anymore- and it is all just piled up on my bed where I am seeing it all as an adult for the first time.
WHY IT’S NOT WORKING: Because all of it is keeping me from myself. From living my best life. From being available to the people I love, and from being available to myself and the callings of my heart.
From doing the work that I am here on the planet to do.
What’s not working: Being attached to a man that is many miles away.
What’s not working: Working two jobs for the money-NOT for my soul- which is leaving me ZERO time to take care of my soul and costing me money because I also have no time to cook or do laundry.
What’s not working: Doing a poor job at taking care of myself.
What’s not working: Living in fear that I have lost touch with my greatest desires because I have left no space for them in my life.
What’s not working: The fear that in wanting to be of service to others, people are going to discover that I am a fake…whatever that means…which is keeping me from being of service to others.
What’s not working: Everything feels broken. In pieces. Fragmented. It’s as if my closet has been ripped apart (click here for more on the closet analogy), and now I am sitting amidst the heaps of crap that have been pulled out –most of which I don’t even want anymore- and it is all just piled up on my bed where I am seeing it all as an adult for the first time.
WHY IT’S NOT WORKING: Because all of it is keeping me from myself. From living my best life. From being available to the people I love, and from being available to myself and the callings of my heart.
From doing the work that I am here on the planet to do.
Rachael and I move into our pre-clearing conversation.
I tell her about my two jobs;
-By day, I am a receptionist at a financial investment firm in a beautiful and relatively quiet office. We are 30 floors up and just south of Central Park, so my ‘office view’ is ALL of Manhattan. It is stunning, and I get to spend most of my time at the computer, working on my own projects.
-By night, I am working as a waitress at a very busy and very dark Greek restaurant in the East Village. It is hectic, chaotic, and filled with people who are younger than me. It gets me home at about 2am, following which I have to wake up 4 hours later to get to my day job. It is quickly burning me out and sucking my soul. My feet hurt, and my entire body is swollen.
I tell her about my two jobs;
-By day, I am a receptionist at a financial investment firm in a beautiful and relatively quiet office. We are 30 floors up and just south of Central Park, so my ‘office view’ is ALL of Manhattan. It is stunning, and I get to spend most of my time at the computer, working on my own projects.
-By night, I am working as a waitress at a very busy and very dark Greek restaurant in the East Village. It is hectic, chaotic, and filled with people who are younger than me. It gets me home at about 2am, following which I have to wake up 4 hours later to get to my day job. It is quickly burning me out and sucking my soul. My feet hurt, and my entire body is swollen.
I tell her that;
-I originally had great intentions for working two jobs. I felt very proud of my capacity to push myself, and felt as though I was doing myself a big favor by making a bunch of money at whatever cost (pun not intended).
-I can feel my initial ‘light of inspiration’ dimming behind a cloud of exhaustion.
- I am proud of myself for doing what needs to be done; making some quick cash to get myself through a tight spot.
- I am quickly starting to understand that while I will never grow out of the need to take care of myself –even if it means swallowing my pride to do so- I have also reached a point in my life where working as a waitress feels TOTALLY out of alignment with…everything.
-While my ego may not be terribly excited about being a 32 year old receptionist/waitress, what I am MORE concerned about is my heart and soul, and their calm and gentle reminders that I have a mission on this planet and that the time to be of service is now.
(And the service I speak of does not involve pouring beers or slinging fries.)
I tell her that;
-I originally had great intentions for working two jobs. I felt very proud of my capacity to push myself, and felt as though I was doing myself a big favor by making a bunch of money at whatever cost (pun not intended).
-I can feel my initial ‘light of inspiration’ dimming behind a cloud of exhaustion.
- I am proud of myself for doing what needs to be done; making some quick cash to get myself through a tight spot.
- I am quickly starting to understand that while I will never grow out of the need to take care of myself –even if it means swallowing my pride to do so- I have also reached a point in my life where working as a waitress feels TOTALLY out of alignment with…everything.
-While my ego may not be terribly excited about being a 32 year old receptionist/waitress, what I am MORE concerned about is my heart and soul, and their calm and gentle reminders that I have a mission on this planet and that the time to be of service is now.
(And the service I speak of does not involve pouring beers or slinging fries.)
Reiki side bar:
It is an interesting experience to tell someone how you’re feeling and know that they already know.
It is an interesting experience to tell someone how you’re feeling and know that they already know.
Rachael immediately inquires about the waitressing;
“What’s the darkness at the restaurant gig?” she asks.
“It is literally dark in the restaurant” I tell her. “I feel so old even saying this, but the lights are super dim and I have to squint to look at the computer screens. It is also very busy, and every time I go into work, it feels like I have to take a great big deep giant breath and hold it…for 8 hours. Some part of me knows that if I let myself stop and acknowledge what I’m doing, that I might scream…and then implode.”
She goes on to inquire as to why, when I have graciously been offered a house-sitting gig in a beautiful neighborhood for the summer (I have graciously been offered a housesitting gig in a beautiful neighborhood for the summer), why did that miracle of time and space push me to think that my next best decision would be to press the pause button on everything I have been wanting for my life and the momentum I have been building, and spend all summer working 80 hours a week, NOT enjoying the beautiful miracle of time and space?!
“What’s the darkness at the restaurant gig?” she asks.
“It is literally dark in the restaurant” I tell her. “I feel so old even saying this, but the lights are super dim and I have to squint to look at the computer screens. It is also very busy, and every time I go into work, it feels like I have to take a great big deep giant breath and hold it…for 8 hours. Some part of me knows that if I let myself stop and acknowledge what I’m doing, that I might scream…and then implode.”
She goes on to inquire as to why, when I have graciously been offered a house-sitting gig in a beautiful neighborhood for the summer (I have graciously been offered a housesitting gig in a beautiful neighborhood for the summer), why did that miracle of time and space push me to think that my next best decision would be to press the pause button on everything I have been wanting for my life and the momentum I have been building, and spend all summer working 80 hours a week, NOT enjoying the beautiful miracle of time and space?!
We also discussed romantic relationships and the recent emergence of an old love -bringing with it some much needed healing- as well as the awareness that I want to feel that way about someone else again, someday. I want to know a love that is equal to –if not greater than- the greatest love of my life (so far).
Rachael mentioned that perhaps, as relationships tend to bring us closer to ourselves, what I am really wanting is to feel great love within myself first-and-foremost…
Bingo.
“Anything else you want to add?” she asks. “What are you really wanting? What do you feel like you’re REALLY needing?”
Simultaneously, we both exclaim; “CARE”.
-My ‘self’ is needing care. BIG time.
-Also, I have a ‘work hard’ complex; ‘work your ass off just because you can’.
-And finally, what I am doing is NOT sustainable, so what is the intention? Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I letting certain things go and taking on other things that still don’t feel aligned? Perhaps I am just uncomfortable with the space in my newly excavated closet?
I tell her “It feels like life is saying ‘Where are you? We’re over here, waiting for you! Where did you go? WHERE ARE YOU????’” --at some point in the past 4 weeks, I caught a glimpse of my life -the way I want it to feel- and then I shoved it back in the closet, turned off the light, and locked the door.
“It’s ok” she says, “everything you have done so far is still within you. Nothing is lost.”
Again, I thank God.
And with that…we begin.
“Anything else you want to add?” she asks. “What are you really wanting? What do you feel like you’re REALLY needing?”
Simultaneously, we both exclaim; “CARE”.
-My ‘self’ is needing care. BIG time.
-Also, I have a ‘work hard’ complex; ‘work your ass off just because you can’.
-And finally, what I am doing is NOT sustainable, so what is the intention? Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I letting certain things go and taking on other things that still don’t feel aligned? Perhaps I am just uncomfortable with the space in my newly excavated closet?
I tell her “It feels like life is saying ‘Where are you? We’re over here, waiting for you! Where did you go? WHERE ARE YOU????’” --at some point in the past 4 weeks, I caught a glimpse of my life -the way I want it to feel- and then I shoved it back in the closet, turned off the light, and locked the door.
“It’s ok” she says, “everything you have done so far is still within you. Nothing is lost.”
Again, I thank God.
And with that…we begin.
ENERGY CLEARING:
I know in the moment, that my heart is the place with the greatest leak, and Rachael’s magical powers will head there first to patch it up.
The visuals were stunning.
I closed my eyes, and immediately saw my heart. It was a giant cavernous room, covered in cob webs. It was grey and dusty, and constructed of paper thin walls that were full of holes. It was in desperate need of repair, and obvious that the owner left long ago and never returned to perform proper maintenance. There was a woman inside the room. She was old and frail, dressed in rags and almost bald. She was on her knees, head-in-her-hands-weeping; completely distraught and alone, with no one to help her and nowhere to go. I started to cry. Her sadness was visceral and so so real.
Of course it was.
Her pain and loneliness was my pain and loneliness.
Her sadness was my sadness.
She was me.
Is me; the part of me that is in charge of my heart and soul; the part of me that knows the truth, from the lies.
She is the captain, and she has been attempting driving the boat –alone- for years; run ragged trying to get my attention, and I –in turn- have repeatedly abandoned her. I have ignored her, belittled her, choked her and smothered her when she cried out the loudest.
I have never done this on purpose.
It has simply been a stronger need for external validation than for internal wisdom that has kept me from listening to her pleas for help.
Where that need comes from, I don’t exactly know.
It is probably for a whole different blog post, but I am certain that it is Universal, and that learning to live along side of it is a lifetime in the making.
As I continued to watch the woman mourn, I felt tears roll down my cheeks. I sat with her for a moment and watched as a warm, dry breeze kicked up some dust from the floor below, sending it swirling into the clouds over head.
Suddenly, in a display of stunning special effects –similar to the ones at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the entire staff is transformed back into their previous selves- I watched as the walls filled with color from the ground up. They seemed to flush, with vibrant hues of red and gold, breathing life back into the room like new blood coursing through an old vein. The holes in the walls disappeared, and the woman who had sat weeping before me, stood up, radiant and strong, and jumped on the back of some sparkly large-winged creature that swooped in and carried her off into the sky, long brown hair billowing in the wind.
It felt glorious…and that’s about all I can remember (visually) from our session. (Probably because I have been getting very little sleep, and was lying on a big warm rock in Central Park as Rachael was working her magic.)
When I came to, she debriefed me on what else she had discovered.
The visuals were stunning.
I closed my eyes, and immediately saw my heart. It was a giant cavernous room, covered in cob webs. It was grey and dusty, and constructed of paper thin walls that were full of holes. It was in desperate need of repair, and obvious that the owner left long ago and never returned to perform proper maintenance. There was a woman inside the room. She was old and frail, dressed in rags and almost bald. She was on her knees, head-in-her-hands-weeping; completely distraught and alone, with no one to help her and nowhere to go. I started to cry. Her sadness was visceral and so so real.
Of course it was.
Her pain and loneliness was my pain and loneliness.
Her sadness was my sadness.
She was me.
Is me; the part of me that is in charge of my heart and soul; the part of me that knows the truth, from the lies.
She is the captain, and she has been attempting driving the boat –alone- for years; run ragged trying to get my attention, and I –in turn- have repeatedly abandoned her. I have ignored her, belittled her, choked her and smothered her when she cried out the loudest.
I have never done this on purpose.
It has simply been a stronger need for external validation than for internal wisdom that has kept me from listening to her pleas for help.
Where that need comes from, I don’t exactly know.
It is probably for a whole different blog post, but I am certain that it is Universal, and that learning to live along side of it is a lifetime in the making.
As I continued to watch the woman mourn, I felt tears roll down my cheeks. I sat with her for a moment and watched as a warm, dry breeze kicked up some dust from the floor below, sending it swirling into the clouds over head.
Suddenly, in a display of stunning special effects –similar to the ones at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the entire staff is transformed back into their previous selves- I watched as the walls filled with color from the ground up. They seemed to flush, with vibrant hues of red and gold, breathing life back into the room like new blood coursing through an old vein. The holes in the walls disappeared, and the woman who had sat weeping before me, stood up, radiant and strong, and jumped on the back of some sparkly large-winged creature that swooped in and carried her off into the sky, long brown hair billowing in the wind.
It felt glorious…and that’s about all I can remember (visually) from our session. (Probably because I have been getting very little sleep, and was lying on a big warm rock in Central Park as Rachael was working her magic.)
When I came to, she debriefed me on what else she had discovered.
CHAKRA TALK 3.0:
Crown- Where do you live in all this? (As in, where are MY desires amidst all the work I am doing and all of the other people I am thinking about every day). It is WAY too exhausting for ‘BECAUSE I CAN!”
Yes. I am exhausted. And while I have learned all about what I am capable of by arbitrarily committing to things and seeing them through, it is becoming painfully obvious to me that this pattern does not make for a life full of joy and passion.
3rd EYE- Not feeling quite right…what’s the darkness in the night job?
As previously mentioned; it is literally dark. Hard to see. Also, feels like I am choking/drowning.
Throat- Allow yourself the freedom to CHANGE YOUR MIND!!!!!!!!!! (She made sure to let me know that this one came at her like a giant exclamation) Feeling of stuck drowning…
I have a stigma about breaking commitments. I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind once I set out to do something –that changing my mind makes me a failure or a flake or too weak- so I often find myself BURIED in a whole of my own making because I was too stubborn to jump out while it was still shallow enough to do so.
Heart- omg so tired. “This is not what I asked for…” What are the pieces that are what I asked for? Keep these, let the rest go.
Omg, YES I AM SO TIRED. And NO, this is NOT what I asked for- the maintaining 80 hours a week and getting no sleep and being miserable part. What I DID ask for was ease; a job I like enough that pays my bills and provides me the space and time to figure out where I want to put my energies. Also, super affordable summer housing…both of which I got. So hold on to those two, and let the rest go; the need to make a TON of extra money, the weird pride attached to killing myself in the process of making all the money, my attachment to having a ton of extra money because I don’t trust that I can make it doing something that I ACTUALLY want to work 80 hours a week for.
Solar- Going because I can. Resilience…important to remember, but at what cost?
Big pat on the back for even attempting to do what I am doing this week. For acknowledging that I needed to make x amount of dollars in x amount of time, and doing what I needed to do to get that done. Note to self: I’ve got your back. Another note to self: once the crisis is over, you do not have to keep living like you are still in crisis. I can certainly ‘prove’ something to myself by maintaining a torturous schedule all summer, but at the cost of my health, my happiness, and everything I want to utilize and practice to cultivate a life of ease.
Sacral- feeling of putting a lid on greatest desire.
Yup. The repeated thought in my head has been “ok. We are just going to push the pause button on life and progress for the summer, and pick it all back up in the fall…”. Only recently have I started to acknowledge that this means I will be exactly where I am now. Even if I DO have extra money in the bank, I will still be spiritually BROKE.
Root- Remember you have the ability to create grounding that feels good to you! You do this by doing individual things that feel good to you and building upon that.
Is it possible, that I can grant myself permission to live a simple life this summer? Meaning that I don’t spend too much money, I get a lot of rest, do a lot of yoga, read a lot of books and write a lot of books and enjoy drinking wine on my temporary roof top and taking weekend trips to local places like people DO who have normal/sustainable lives and normal/sustainable schedules? Am I allowed to let it be THAT simple? It feels WAY too easy. And I have always felt pretty lame about the word ‘easy’. However, if my aim is to cultivate a life of EASE, then perhaps the Universe is giving me exactly what I need. Perhaps the work that I am SUPPOSE to be doing has NOTHING to do with the actual WORK that I am doing, and EVERYTHING to do with how I am going about DOING it.
Yes. I am exhausted. And while I have learned all about what I am capable of by arbitrarily committing to things and seeing them through, it is becoming painfully obvious to me that this pattern does not make for a life full of joy and passion.
3rd EYE- Not feeling quite right…what’s the darkness in the night job?
As previously mentioned; it is literally dark. Hard to see. Also, feels like I am choking/drowning.
Throat- Allow yourself the freedom to CHANGE YOUR MIND!!!!!!!!!! (She made sure to let me know that this one came at her like a giant exclamation) Feeling of stuck drowning…
I have a stigma about breaking commitments. I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind once I set out to do something –that changing my mind makes me a failure or a flake or too weak- so I often find myself BURIED in a whole of my own making because I was too stubborn to jump out while it was still shallow enough to do so.
Heart- omg so tired. “This is not what I asked for…” What are the pieces that are what I asked for? Keep these, let the rest go.
Omg, YES I AM SO TIRED. And NO, this is NOT what I asked for- the maintaining 80 hours a week and getting no sleep and being miserable part. What I DID ask for was ease; a job I like enough that pays my bills and provides me the space and time to figure out where I want to put my energies. Also, super affordable summer housing…both of which I got. So hold on to those two, and let the rest go; the need to make a TON of extra money, the weird pride attached to killing myself in the process of making all the money, my attachment to having a ton of extra money because I don’t trust that I can make it doing something that I ACTUALLY want to work 80 hours a week for.
Solar- Going because I can. Resilience…important to remember, but at what cost?
Big pat on the back for even attempting to do what I am doing this week. For acknowledging that I needed to make x amount of dollars in x amount of time, and doing what I needed to do to get that done. Note to self: I’ve got your back. Another note to self: once the crisis is over, you do not have to keep living like you are still in crisis. I can certainly ‘prove’ something to myself by maintaining a torturous schedule all summer, but at the cost of my health, my happiness, and everything I want to utilize and practice to cultivate a life of ease.
Sacral- feeling of putting a lid on greatest desire.
Yup. The repeated thought in my head has been “ok. We are just going to push the pause button on life and progress for the summer, and pick it all back up in the fall…”. Only recently have I started to acknowledge that this means I will be exactly where I am now. Even if I DO have extra money in the bank, I will still be spiritually BROKE.
Root- Remember you have the ability to create grounding that feels good to you! You do this by doing individual things that feel good to you and building upon that.
Is it possible, that I can grant myself permission to live a simple life this summer? Meaning that I don’t spend too much money, I get a lot of rest, do a lot of yoga, read a lot of books and write a lot of books and enjoy drinking wine on my temporary roof top and taking weekend trips to local places like people DO who have normal/sustainable lives and normal/sustainable schedules? Am I allowed to let it be THAT simple? It feels WAY too easy. And I have always felt pretty lame about the word ‘easy’. However, if my aim is to cultivate a life of EASE, then perhaps the Universe is giving me exactly what I need. Perhaps the work that I am SUPPOSE to be doing has NOTHING to do with the actual WORK that I am doing, and EVERYTHING to do with how I am going about DOING it.
There was so much comfort in this information. So much comfort in another individual -that you trust explicitly- confirming for you what you have been feeling in your heart. That indeed, I do NOT have to work myself into the ground to be worthy. That I AM allowed to change my mind at any point. At ANY POINT. That life is allowed to be simple, and enjoyed for its simplicity as much as its complexities.
That to live a life of ease, one must start by living a life of ease.
That to live a life of ease, one must start by living a life of ease.
"No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it."
-Albert Einstein.
-Albert Einstein.
At the close of our session, I gave myself permission to not want to work as a waitress anymore. I decided I would work the weekend to make the money I needed, and then give myself a pat on the back for doing what needed to be done…and then be done.
I am committed to my vision, even though I don’t understand exactly what that means at the moment.
I am open to the doors that are all around me and I will do my best to see and allow everything that is intended to be a signal, to be one.
I will use my vision to scan the full 360, not just take in the 45 degrees that are in front of me.
Moving forward, I am giving myself permission to let it all be a bit simpler.
I am giving myself permission to trust my instincts. Truly trust my instincts.
Even as I type that, I have to re-remind myself that I am going to do this.
---Currently, my instincts are telling me that some kind of big change is coming in June, and by September, I will be walking tall through the pages of my next chapter.
I am giving myself permission to embrace the fluidity of my life. That might mean a day at this job…a month in that home…etc. It is all leading me down the river to the middle of the ocean, where the waters are calm and the horizon is vast.
All in all, I think I am finally understanding what it means to get out of my own way. And that it takes enormous courage to do so, but not really much else.
I am committed to my vision, even though I don’t understand exactly what that means at the moment.
I am open to the doors that are all around me and I will do my best to see and allow everything that is intended to be a signal, to be one.
I will use my vision to scan the full 360, not just take in the 45 degrees that are in front of me.
Moving forward, I am giving myself permission to let it all be a bit simpler.
I am giving myself permission to trust my instincts. Truly trust my instincts.
Even as I type that, I have to re-remind myself that I am going to do this.
---Currently, my instincts are telling me that some kind of big change is coming in June, and by September, I will be walking tall through the pages of my next chapter.
I am giving myself permission to embrace the fluidity of my life. That might mean a day at this job…a month in that home…etc. It is all leading me down the river to the middle of the ocean, where the waters are calm and the horizon is vast.
All in all, I think I am finally understanding what it means to get out of my own way. And that it takes enormous courage to do so, but not really much else.
An hour ago… I felt totally lost.
An hour later… I still feel lost, but I feel totally ok with it.
Ok with figuring it out.
Ok with listening to myself for the answers instead of re-tracing old steps.
Ok with leaving the space open for the new and the good.
Until next time…
An hour later… I still feel lost, but I feel totally ok with it.
Ok with figuring it out.
Ok with listening to myself for the answers instead of re-tracing old steps.
Ok with leaving the space open for the new and the good.
Until next time…
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