permission to be average.Each time I sit down to write, I want to tell you how elated I am about life. How wonderful it feels to do this work and 'remove the layers' so to speak. And -truth be told- in the actual sessions with Rachael, I feel a sense of weightless peace that is unlike anything I have ever experienced. However, in the time between sessions, there is growth. And just as one may experience physical pain during a growth spurt, I am definitely feeling the commotion in my heart as layers of bullshit are removed, and it is finally able to stretch and expand. The weeks since starting reiki have been mind blowing, beautiful, expansive...and really challenging. TOTALLY NECESSARY, and I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I am doing the work I need to be doing, but it has been hard to confront myself with unguarded honesty. I asked Rachael about this in a recent email exchange. -Rachael is available via email between sessions to discuss major challenges or road blocks, and she loves a good 'a-ha!' story. My question: "Does this happen with Reiki work? Does the energy clearing and clarity actually make things a bit messy for a while? It’s as if I KNOW that everything that is changing is 100% for the better, but I feel SO raw and exposed at the moment- I cannot tell if I’m losing myself or gaining a NEW self. Shedding an old layer; new skin is tender etc..." Her response: "YES. When major energy work is being done, sometimes things feel a liiiiittle (or a lot) messy! Don't worry, this is normal and it will lead to such great clarity! (And it already is!)" Thank God...And I AM gaining a lot of clarity. But at the moment, it feels more like the clarity that comes the moment after you remove the 'beer goggles', and start to see things as they truly are...whether you want to or not. Previous to working with Rachael, I worked with a life coach on-and-off for several years. She frequently spoke about all of the 'coats' that we put on and take off throughout the course of our lifetime; the evolution of how we live our lives and the variety of personal beliefs that we have about how to do so. This coach was the first person that can I remember really hearing when she suggested that, maybe, my 'Big Broadway Superstar' coat had become a bit too small. That it was becoming constrictive vs expansive. My work with her helped me to understand the how's and the why's of my expectations about life, and I think now -and only now- have I started to feel so suffocated by those expectations, that I am finally ready to remove the coat. This is why I am doing Reiki now as opposed to three years ago. All of the personal work I have done has prepared me to take that old coat off. Now, Rachael is helping me to actually remove it -layer by layer- dissolving it slowly and painlessly, yet quickly enough that I notice new parts of myself every day. Here is what I am struggling with at the moment: -I feel like I have been living my life in one giant on-going attempt to be 'not average'. Above average. Special. Ideally, all in an attempt to be happy...I think. -I feel like an ass hole for saying that. -I am aware that trying to be 'not' something doesn't work. The funny thing is that upon acknowledging this, I also realized that I don't actually know what that means; to be 'average' or 'not average'. Nor do I necessarily know what it means to be truly happy. I took this question into meditation, here is what i got:what's so scary about being happy? (...happy vs average...perhaps I have just been using the wrong word?) If it doesn't look the way you thought it would...re-examine your metrics for happiness and check again. the contraction that produces tears is the same contraction that is necessary before a jump. Throat is screaming woohoo! I'm free!!! elation!!! why am i feeling so sad? there is a difference between sadness and emptiness. i feel empty. all the rocks are out, and all i am doing at the moment is focusing on making money so i can give my bucket the proper repairs and nourishment before i put any giant rocks back in it. i give you permission to be happy amidst this change...why is that so scary? i give you permission to love yourself no mater what you have to show for it. i give you permission to take pride and value in yourself, no matter what you have to show for it. i give you permission to treat yourself like a human being no matter what. NOT just when you are worthy i.e.: in a show...upholding some sort of public persona. I give you permission to train like an athlete, even if you aren't one. i give you permission to break up the uncomfortable space. i give you permission to cry whenever you need to and not think any more about it, knowing that there is just a lot of old garbage in there that needs to come out. I give you permission to stop talking. to live a life that is warm in your heart and kind to those around you. I give you permission to be no-one. To just show up and do what you need to do, and for THAT to be enough, because it is already more than enough. That's a lot of information...and I feel like I have yet to really digest it (which -as Rachael lovingly reminded me- is totally ok). Still, it seems important to share. It helps me to remember that sharing is the whole point; that sharing is a process. Reiki is a process. Writing about it, is a process. Furthermore, sharing my writing, despite my personal struggles with putting anything out into the world that does not feel 'ready' or perfect -including myself- is also...a process. learning is a process.At the moment, I am learning to really appreciate life. Learning that I must be present with both the light and the darkness of it all, and that in order to know gratitude, I must also know humility. To know great love, I must also know great fear. I cannot selectively numb the things and places inside of me that I don't want to feel, and still expect to experience radiant joy and happiness. If I choose to ignore any particular part of myself or my life, then I also allow my ignorance to take hold across the board. It's the whole 'there is no light without darkness' concept. And it feels like I have been trying really hard to avoid the darkness, and in doing so, have unintentionally avoided the light. So, I guess I am in the process of truly 'seeing the light'... which makes me smile :-) And with Rachael's encouragement, that is where I am going to leave it; unfinished, in process, a bit messy and totally real.
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The moment before: My feet want to leave the ground... Can I be grounded in space? Can I be grounded in the sensation of floating? Off of the ground? In transition? Can I be grounded in a ground-less place? I have wanted grounding. Felt like I needed grounding in order to move ahead- whatever that means. That idea has changed. lift off AKA: It's hard to fly when you're dragging your feet... -The essence of my session with Rachael this week-
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So, Rachael works my chakras. She cleans them out. She lightens them up. She removes any un-helpful energy that I may be carrying around, making me feel heavy or unnecessarily stressed out.
Think of your chakras as your closet. They get filled with a lot of crap that you don't really need.
Think of Rachael as a master closet organizer. She graciously holds up each item and strokes it lovingly, while simultaneously enlightening you as to why it is no longer necessary to hold onto your sized zero jeans from freshman year of high school.
Then, she gets you really excited about all of the new stuff that you are going to fill your closet with -all of which is much more your actual size- and she quickly discards the old crap before you have a chance to change your mind...
...all with a smile and a voice like butta'.
Think of Rachael as a master closet organizer. She graciously holds up each item and strokes it lovingly, while simultaneously enlightening you as to why it is no longer necessary to hold onto your sized zero jeans from freshman year of high school.
Then, she gets you really excited about all of the new stuff that you are going to fill your closet with -all of which is much more your actual size- and she quickly discards the old crap before you have a chance to change your mind...
...all with a smile and a voice like butta'.
the work begins.
With my intention set, Rachael begins the concentrated work of energy clearing. From our previous sessions, I have become somewhat accustomed to the sensation of warmth and sunny tingles dissipating throughout my body. As Rachael invites me to sit back and relax, I anticipate the familiar sensations of expansion and breath moving through me like a gentle breeze.
However, this was a ride of a different color.
However, this was a ride of a different color.
| As soon as I closed my eyes, I felt energy shooting down my legs. In my head I saw swirls of sparkles -like the kind left behind by a sparkler on the 4th of July after you've written your name in the air- they wrapped my legs and sent me shooting into space. I saw myself, a human rocket, soaring into the great beyond with nothing but the flames shooting out of my feet to send me forward. |  |
I then felt the same sensation move up my body in reverse -feet to head- spirals of golden light that removed some sense of an outer shell. It was as if the 'who I am suppose to be' was stripped clean off of my essence, and left behind the me that is real and honest. I was covered in pink shimmer, and I had a magic wand. I remember thinking "I'm magic! I can do anything I want! I don't have to choose, I can have it all!" Then, I felt a strong pulse move down the right side of my body, and I watched a frail but complete version of myself sneak out from inside of me. It was as if someone had unzipped my costume, and I was finally free to breathe in the fresh air, without restriction.
Now, allow me -if you will- to be the first to recognize how wild/amazing/unbelievable/crazy/self aggrandizing this all may or may not sound. Personally, I am surprised every time I step into this arena, how 'other worldly' it all seems. However, my surprise at the process generally pales in comparison to my surprise at what Rachael has to say once the silence is broken...
I mentioned 'big rocks' at the beginning of this post -attempting to figure out which rocks need to go into the bucket first, followed by which other rocks, and so on and so forth- the overwhelming need being to 'figure out' how all the many pieces of my life are going to fit together.
When I mentioned this originally, Rachael offered a visual she was getting;
"It's like you're in space, and there are all these rockets whizzing by you, and 'if only you could just figure out which one to jump on, then you would be certain to get where you're going...'"
...this woman is amazing...
"Yes!" I exclaim. "That is EXACTLY how I feel. Life is whizzing by, and I'm afraid if I don't figure out how to hang on, then I might miss the whole damn thing."
She laughs.
"Great. But, what if you don't have to hang on to ANY of them? What if you were your OWN rocket, and instead of shooting forward through space, you ascend upwards? It's as if what you want is not just in front of you, but all around you, and you actually can have it all..."
Now, allow me -if you will- to be the first to recognize how wild/amazing/unbelievable/crazy/self aggrandizing this all may or may not sound. Personally, I am surprised every time I step into this arena, how 'other worldly' it all seems. However, my surprise at the process generally pales in comparison to my surprise at what Rachael has to say once the silence is broken...
I mentioned 'big rocks' at the beginning of this post -attempting to figure out which rocks need to go into the bucket first, followed by which other rocks, and so on and so forth- the overwhelming need being to 'figure out' how all the many pieces of my life are going to fit together.
When I mentioned this originally, Rachael offered a visual she was getting;
"It's like you're in space, and there are all these rockets whizzing by you, and 'if only you could just figure out which one to jump on, then you would be certain to get where you're going...'"
...this woman is amazing...
"Yes!" I exclaim. "That is EXACTLY how I feel. Life is whizzing by, and I'm afraid if I don't figure out how to hang on, then I might miss the whole damn thing."
She laughs.
"Great. But, what if you don't have to hang on to ANY of them? What if you were your OWN rocket, and instead of shooting forward through space, you ascend upwards? It's as if what you want is not just in front of you, but all around you, and you actually can have it all..."
...you actually can have it all...
ummm... yes, please!
(...now, can somebody tell me what it is that I actually want?)
It's all starting to make sense.
I am my own rocket. Mental note: great name for a book.
I am magic. We all are.
As I mentioned this to Rachael, she informed me that she could feel my crown chakra getting really excited. The enlightened part of me was saying 'Yes! Finally! You're starting to understand! You are free to move out of your own way! Stop dragging your feet, and you will fly!'
I love the enlightened part of me. It feels kind of like the profoundly honest place that one discovers after a few cocktails. The place from which we make promises to ourselves about how we are going to live our lives from that moment forward. It is a warm and courageous place to be in, and I love it. However. It is the all-to-sober-buzz-kill-control-freak within me that needs to know where I am going to land after lift off that puts out the fire before I can even begin to feel the warmth.
It is a beautiful thing to recognize that we are all capable of absolutely anything we wish to achieve/experience in this life.
However, the beauty in this notion is easily overlooked by the question I have been asking myself for months:
How do you get what you want, when you don't really know what that is?
If you're standing in a sea of precious gems and someone hands you a bucket, how do you decide which ones to pick up? Rubies because they are so rare? Diamonds, because they are the most commercially viable? Do you just grab handfuls and take whatever you can get? How do you decide?
This is the crux of my second session with Rachael;
The paradox of choice.
And THIS is where the chakras come in.
The answers are within each of us if we are still enough to listen...or if we have a great translator.
Rachael is one such person.
BTW: This is my favorite part of the session; when Rachael shares with me what my chakras had to say about my new found understanding of what is possible in this life.
Chakra-talk 2.0:
Crown- Excitement! 'Can this really be real?!' Like kid at Disneyland
3rd eye- How can I make this last?
Just keep doing what you’re doing. This can be your life. Trust that what has gotten you here will keep you moving forward here. When it's time for something different you will feel it.
Continue to surrender. Trust the process. Follow the signs.
Throat- Share your story.
Heart- There is no choice to be made in this moment. Follow the feel good energy. You know it when you feel it ☺ Release control. Control is not what got you here. No need to control now. Just continue to show up as you. You are safe to follow the” shiny thing” that feels good in the moment.
Solar- Inspired action.
Sacral- Seeing the possibility of infinite manifestations of what I want.
Root- Trying to become grounded in this space-- in this new way of living.
Crown- Excitement! 'Can this really be real?!' Like kid at Disneyland
3rd eye- How can I make this last?
Just keep doing what you’re doing. This can be your life. Trust that what has gotten you here will keep you moving forward here. When it's time for something different you will feel it.
Continue to surrender. Trust the process. Follow the signs.
Throat- Share your story.
Heart- There is no choice to be made in this moment. Follow the feel good energy. You know it when you feel it ☺ Release control. Control is not what got you here. No need to control now. Just continue to show up as you. You are safe to follow the” shiny thing” that feels good in the moment.
Solar- Inspired action.
Sacral- Seeing the possibility of infinite manifestations of what I want.
Root- Trying to become grounded in this space-- in this new way of living.
As you can see, it is not Rachael's NOR my internal guidance system's job to tell me specifically what to do. What I AM offered are guidelines. Guide posts. Clues that lie in the deepest parts of me as to which steps to take next. It's like someone handing you a flashlight in a dark cave. You don't need to see the entire way out in order to get where you're going, you only need enough light to take the next few steps. Rachael enters the cave, hands me a light, gives me a warm hug, and sends me off on the next phase of my journey.
| I do not need to choose. I can continue to do what feels good and trust that it will lead me to where I need to go. I just need to be myself, and take inspired action when inspiration strikes. | This blog is one such action. Saying 'yes' to things that don't feel bad is another. | Follow the signs. Trust the instincts. Listen to your heart and let it feel good in the moment without worrying about a future moment in which it might not feel as good. |
The final message -become grounded in this space- was undoubtedly the most profound.
I have been a traveling gypsy for the past 4-10 years (depending on how you want to look at it) and it feels like I have been trying and trying -and failing and failing- to root myself the entire time in 'somewhere'; in someone or in something.
A house. A relationship. A job. A crisis. A state of being.
I have wanted roots to hold me to the Earth, in case I might float away...
I mentioned this to Rachael in our closing moments.
How I have been seeking -to no avail- to be in a place and AT a place in my life where I can settle down. Paint my walls. Receive mail. Find some sense of stability and normalcy. And even though I keep asking for this, keep saying that it's what I want, there is a big part of me that is saddened by the thought of losing it all; the freedom of being unsettled. Part of me worries that I might be missing the adventure for fear of where it is trying to take me. That maybe, what life has been asking me to do is just pick up my damn feet, and LET myself float away.
Let my rocket take off.
Imagine what I could see from space, not to mention the endless landing options that are not available to someone who is free to float.
Perhaps life is meant to be more amazing than anything I could ever dream up on my own...
I inquire to Rachael:
"Become grounded in this space...
Does this mean that my task is to find safety and comfort within mySELF?
That perhaps, what I have been seeking externally is what I need to cultivate internally? That I am safe to enjoy the ride, and let life take me where it would like me to go?"
"Yes."
"And I can trust the Universe like a friend?"
"YES."
"And it is safe to trust what I know to be true in my heart?"
"YES!!!"
"...Oh my God this is so exciting..."
Friends, this work is changing my life. I am more aware of what is in front of me, of what is behind me, and what is within me than ever before.
Between now and my next session with Rachael, my intention is to be present and see what comes up. To welcome any feelings of ungrounded-ness, to lean into those moments, and to see where they take me.
As I continue to trust that I am safe within mySELF, I turn terror into excitement, flailing into freedom, and love into light.
Here's to the sparkly dust :-)
Between now and my next session with Rachael, my intention is to be present and see what comes up. To welcome any feelings of ungrounded-ness, to lean into those moments, and to see where they take me.
As I continue to trust that I am safe within mySELF, I turn terror into excitement, flailing into freedom, and love into light.
Here's to the sparkly dust :-)
Holy Hell. It has been a week y'all, lemme tell ya. I left my first official session feeling so light and buoyant, excited and exuberant about life and what was sure to be coming my way. I had made my declarations to the Universe- to make $1200 a week as a fabulous nanny for a wonderful family who goes on lots of adventures and has a lot creative energy left over to put into her writing- and therefor, I was certain to receive...
woof.
Just as I discovered in my first session with Rachael that, perhaps, I had been walking in the wrong direction -tethered to a tree- and trying to set myself free to move ahead, this week I began to wonder whether there is any sense in looking for the proper ‘direction’ to be heading at all.
To me, when I think of ‘direction’, I tend to think in a linear sense. Forward and backward, side to side, diagonal etc. And while I have often been reminded that life is indeed NOT linear, and that our own personal Universe exists more as a sphere than a straight line, it is also very easy for me to forget these things as I move through my human experience and day to day life.
As a spiritual being, I understand that the Universe is infinite and all around me and all of us, within and without.
As a human being, I tend to forget about this idea, and perceive life and my path as a straight line. (Even when it is not straight, it is still a line.)
As a culture, we speak of ‘following a path’ or ‘making a new path’ or any other number of conjectures about some kind of grand path that we are to be walking.
So when someone tells you that you have been going the wrong direction, or when you figure this out for yourself, the next step is often to decide that you must simply ‘change directions’ and go another way. Generally, this is where the awesome shit lives, and where greatness and true courage collide in perfect alchemy.
However...
What if changing directions is more than a simple ‘about face’? Aren't there other directions? Directions of a more spherical nature? Up and down? In and Out? Under and Over? Through the middle? As the song states: “OVER the river and THROUGH the woods…to grandmother’s house we go…” it wouldn't exactly have the same ring if the lyrics were “straight through the stoplight and take a left…to granny’s house down the block…”. Life is not left and right. Life is not black and white. It is a roller coaster. It is all the shades of all the colors, and it is all over the damn place.
Shortly after last week’s session, as my roller coaster was ascending the track that was certain to plunge me into my future, I started to get scared. Really REALLY scared. Like the kid who tries to unbuckle and crawl-out-of-her-seat scared. I could feel myself expanding, and instead of taking a deep breath and holding space for the impending wonder and delicious surprises that lie on the journey ahead, I unbuckled and started crawling backwards. I crawled over all of the hopes and dreams and fears and wishes that I have been dragging behind me, and tried to smash myself into the last car -somewhere between my certainty that I was never going to amount to anything more than paid help, and my desire to throw everything out the window and move back in with my parents. I had climbed out and was now forced to hang on the back end of the train and white-knuckle for dear life so as not to be flung off and actually fall to my death. New potential was looming, and I wanted familiarity. Change was on the horizon, and I wanted certainty. I was not ready to dive into the unknown, but the big green button had already been pushed and everything was in motion… so I abandoned the cars all together. I clung to the tracks and watched as by body came unhinged; I was attempting to hold still while the rest of my life was moving forward.
In my heart I knew it was safe to take this ride.
But in reality, I was pissing my pants at the thought of plummeting to my death.
I tried to cling. I tried to climb off. I even tried to stand on the tracks in front of the coaster and slow it down-a la Superman using his superhero strength to stop the speeding train car from lunging off the cliff and sending hundreds to their death- but I couldn’t.
I couldn't stop it.
The ride, the fear, any of it.
To me, when I think of ‘direction’, I tend to think in a linear sense. Forward and backward, side to side, diagonal etc. And while I have often been reminded that life is indeed NOT linear, and that our own personal Universe exists more as a sphere than a straight line, it is also very easy for me to forget these things as I move through my human experience and day to day life.
As a spiritual being, I understand that the Universe is infinite and all around me and all of us, within and without.
As a human being, I tend to forget about this idea, and perceive life and my path as a straight line. (Even when it is not straight, it is still a line.)
As a culture, we speak of ‘following a path’ or ‘making a new path’ or any other number of conjectures about some kind of grand path that we are to be walking.
So when someone tells you that you have been going the wrong direction, or when you figure this out for yourself, the next step is often to decide that you must simply ‘change directions’ and go another way. Generally, this is where the awesome shit lives, and where greatness and true courage collide in perfect alchemy.
However...
What if changing directions is more than a simple ‘about face’? Aren't there other directions? Directions of a more spherical nature? Up and down? In and Out? Under and Over? Through the middle? As the song states: “OVER the river and THROUGH the woods…to grandmother’s house we go…” it wouldn't exactly have the same ring if the lyrics were “straight through the stoplight and take a left…to granny’s house down the block…”. Life is not left and right. Life is not black and white. It is a roller coaster. It is all the shades of all the colors, and it is all over the damn place.
Shortly after last week’s session, as my roller coaster was ascending the track that was certain to plunge me into my future, I started to get scared. Really REALLY scared. Like the kid who tries to unbuckle and crawl-out-of-her-seat scared. I could feel myself expanding, and instead of taking a deep breath and holding space for the impending wonder and delicious surprises that lie on the journey ahead, I unbuckled and started crawling backwards. I crawled over all of the hopes and dreams and fears and wishes that I have been dragging behind me, and tried to smash myself into the last car -somewhere between my certainty that I was never going to amount to anything more than paid help, and my desire to throw everything out the window and move back in with my parents. I had climbed out and was now forced to hang on the back end of the train and white-knuckle for dear life so as not to be flung off and actually fall to my death. New potential was looming, and I wanted familiarity. Change was on the horizon, and I wanted certainty. I was not ready to dive into the unknown, but the big green button had already been pushed and everything was in motion… so I abandoned the cars all together. I clung to the tracks and watched as by body came unhinged; I was attempting to hold still while the rest of my life was moving forward.
In my heart I knew it was safe to take this ride.
But in reality, I was pissing my pants at the thought of plummeting to my death.
I tried to cling. I tried to climb off. I even tried to stand on the tracks in front of the coaster and slow it down-a la Superman using his superhero strength to stop the speeding train car from lunging off the cliff and sending hundreds to their death- but I couldn’t.
I couldn't stop it.
The ride, the fear, any of it.
I was scared that admitting what I wanted made me more vulnerable to not getting it.
I found myself having thoughts -not just ‘what if’s- but REAL thoughts about what might happen to me if I couldn’t pay rent. If I couldn’t feed myself. If every single door slammed in my face, no one would hire me or even help me, and I wound up alone on a dirt floor with nothing but the clothes on my back. (I guess the upside in that scenario is that I still had clothes). What if I became just like every other homeless person I’ve seen sleeping on the streets of New York? They are all people. They all have a path. It happened to them…what makes me so bulletproof? What if I become invisible? What if no one will help me, and I lose the capacity to help myself?
What if…what if…what if… ?
If you know anything about manifestation or the power of thought -'What we think about, we bring about'- you might caution someone against this kind of thinking. I was putting a lot of energy into fear and negative thoughts, and I could feel myself sending out a silent signal with every resume, job application and interview;
“Please don’t hire me. I don’t really want this job anyway. I am just doing the leg work so that when I fail, at least I can say that I tried…”
…at least I can say that I tried.
At least I can say that I tried?
AT LEAST I CAN SAY THAT I TRIED?
Jesus Christ, woman! Time to get a grip!
Pick up your skirt and your balls!
Time to look yourself in the eyes, roll up your sleeves and get the fuck to work.
And I don’t mean the work of making money, I mean the work of HONESTY. Of ownership. Of looking life square in the face and acknowledging that I do not get to pick and choose when I show up or have faith. And there is no trying about it.
“At least I can say that I tried” is not acceptable here, and I call bullshit.
BULL SHIT!
I was not trying and failing, I was TRYING to FAIL!
LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO GIVE UP.
Looking for a reason to move home and get married and have babies-all of which would be totally respectable choices IF it was truly what I wanted…but it wasn’t. It isn’t. I didn't then, nor do I want to -in this moment- move home and have babies. What I DID want in that moment, was to have the decisions made FOR me. To be thrown OUT of the volcano even after I jumped in. To be able to say that I tried, and it just wan’t meant to be.
Then I could play it safe (because marriage and children are safe and easy)… I just didn’t want to have to chose. I didn’t want to be responsible. I didn't want to admit to myself that even though New York is sticky and smelly and hot and weird and crazy and un-predictable and way too expensive, it is also a totally magical, and a complete mess.
Just. like. me.
Totally magical, and a mess…and I love it.
I love the mess.
I love the over stimulation.
I love living somewhere that keeps my brain busy enough that it is generally only focused on the task at hand.
I love living somewhere that is teaching me about humility and humanity and my own grit more than any other place I have been to.
Somewhere the rich aren’t ‘safe’ from the poor. Where beauty and ugliness can be found in everything, and are completely subject to the eye of the beholder.
This place is like grad school for life…and it’s FREE.
What if…what if…what if… ?
If you know anything about manifestation or the power of thought -'What we think about, we bring about'- you might caution someone against this kind of thinking. I was putting a lot of energy into fear and negative thoughts, and I could feel myself sending out a silent signal with every resume, job application and interview;
“Please don’t hire me. I don’t really want this job anyway. I am just doing the leg work so that when I fail, at least I can say that I tried…”
…at least I can say that I tried.
At least I can say that I tried?
AT LEAST I CAN SAY THAT I TRIED?
Jesus Christ, woman! Time to get a grip!
Pick up your skirt and your balls!
Time to look yourself in the eyes, roll up your sleeves and get the fuck to work.
And I don’t mean the work of making money, I mean the work of HONESTY. Of ownership. Of looking life square in the face and acknowledging that I do not get to pick and choose when I show up or have faith. And there is no trying about it.
“At least I can say that I tried” is not acceptable here, and I call bullshit.
BULL SHIT!
I was not trying and failing, I was TRYING to FAIL!
LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO GIVE UP.
Looking for a reason to move home and get married and have babies-all of which would be totally respectable choices IF it was truly what I wanted…but it wasn’t. It isn’t. I didn't then, nor do I want to -in this moment- move home and have babies. What I DID want in that moment, was to have the decisions made FOR me. To be thrown OUT of the volcano even after I jumped in. To be able to say that I tried, and it just wan’t meant to be.
Then I could play it safe (because marriage and children are safe and easy)… I just didn’t want to have to chose. I didn’t want to be responsible. I didn't want to admit to myself that even though New York is sticky and smelly and hot and weird and crazy and un-predictable and way too expensive, it is also a totally magical, and a complete mess.
Just. like. me.
Totally magical, and a mess…and I love it.
I love the mess.
I love the over stimulation.
I love living somewhere that keeps my brain busy enough that it is generally only focused on the task at hand.
I love living somewhere that is teaching me about humility and humanity and my own grit more than any other place I have been to.
Somewhere the rich aren’t ‘safe’ from the poor. Where beauty and ugliness can be found in everything, and are completely subject to the eye of the beholder.
This place is like grad school for life…and it’s FREE.
i love being here.
And while it doesn’t have mountains, it has hills.
It doesn’t have a lot of nature (compared to New Mexico), but the little it does have is held with such reverence and joy that strangers come together in great quantities to value and cherish the luxury of a patch of green grass or the simple beauty of a tulip pushing its way up through the dirt.
It doesn’t have a lot of nature (compared to New Mexico), but the little it does have is held with such reverence and joy that strangers come together in great quantities to value and cherish the luxury of a patch of green grass or the simple beauty of a tulip pushing its way up through the dirt.
i. love. being here.
And in loving being here, I am choosing to leave behind ‘what might have been’ anywhere else.
Choosing to let life show up for me, however it sees fit.
Choosing to have faith that if I am missing something, it will find its way to me.
Choosing to let go of the reigns -the tethering- and see what happens if I let my feet leave the ground.
And all the while, trusting that I am STILL on the path. It’s just a lot curvier and free form than I had originally thought. Maybe the path goes through tunnels in the ground and up into the sky and beyond. Maybe the path will take me into the stratosphere, only to plummet me back down to the earth like a shooting star blazing through the sky and crashing into a crater. The path is all around me. I venture to say that it is all around each of us.
Choosing to let life show up for me, however it sees fit.
Choosing to have faith that if I am missing something, it will find its way to me.
Choosing to let go of the reigns -the tethering- and see what happens if I let my feet leave the ground.
And all the while, trusting that I am STILL on the path. It’s just a lot curvier and free form than I had originally thought. Maybe the path goes through tunnels in the ground and up into the sky and beyond. Maybe the path will take me into the stratosphere, only to plummet me back down to the earth like a shooting star blazing through the sky and crashing into a crater. The path is all around me. I venture to say that it is all around each of us.
Easter Sunday I spent a lovely day with my family -many of whom I hadn’t seen in several years- and I could feel it. The call to surrender. The un-deniable reminder that I am surrounded by love, and that the only one standing in my way…is me.
Surrender.
Time to give in.
Surrender.
Time to let go of the reigns.
A silent call from within my heart; please Morgan.
Please surrender...
Time to give in.
Surrender.
Time to let go of the reigns.
A silent call from within my heart; please Morgan.
Please surrender...
And that’s what I did.
I got home that night, sat on the edge of my bed…and cried.
I cried for everything I was letting go of. For the woman I thought I was SUPPOSE to be. For the man I thought I was SUPPOSE to love. For the life I thought I was SUPPOSE to have. For everything that I was already suppose to have accomplished; the awards, the accolades, the experiences, the money, the clothes, the life…I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried and I CRIED.
And then I got up, took a shower, and went to bed.
And then, everything changed.
I got home that night, sat on the edge of my bed…and cried.
I cried for everything I was letting go of. For the woman I thought I was SUPPOSE to be. For the man I thought I was SUPPOSE to love. For the life I thought I was SUPPOSE to have. For everything that I was already suppose to have accomplished; the awards, the accolades, the experiences, the money, the clothes, the life…I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried and I CRIED.
And then I got up, took a shower, and went to bed.
And then, everything changed.
| | Surrender. | |
As I write these words to you now, I have four jobs; one of which matches -almost exactly- the description of my original request.
Four jobs, all working together as a piece of the larger puzzle.
I also received an unparalleled offer of generosity -which I am choosing to keep close to my heart- and closure on a relationship that has technically been over for five years.
Four jobs, all working together as a piece of the larger puzzle.
I also received an unparalleled offer of generosity -which I am choosing to keep close to my heart- and closure on a relationship that has technically been over for five years.
Surrender.
In the act of surrender, of caving to this wild and un-predictable ride, I gave up the fight. I stopped trying to swim upstream, and instead went rushing towards all the blessings that had been waiting for me further down the road. Down the path…waiting for me to show up.
Surrender.
In surrender, I opened myself up to the possibility of my demise…or my ascension.
I left a clearing.
A tiny little crack for the light to get in.
And boy oh boy, did it come pouring through.
I left a clearing.
A tiny little crack for the light to get in.
And boy oh boy, did it come pouring through.
I believe that there is a path for everyone.
And after the last two weeks, I believe it is more like finding your way out of a super-sized McDonald’s ball pit than finding your way across the street.
Life’s path is not straight forward. It takes you under the radar and over obstacles and straight into the dragon’s mouth -if you are willing to go there- only to find that the dragon was just shadow play made up of dust and pretty purple sparkles.
Full of loops and twists and turns, it can take you downhill with such velocity that you only understand what is happening after you have gone through the loopty-loop upside-down sections of the roller coaster- and not fallen out of your chair.
Only then do you understand why you had to climb up that giant hill in the first place.
I am on my path. After the last two weeks, there is nothing I feel more certain of. With every step, I remember that it is leading me to the next step…which is leading me to the next step.
I asked for what I wanted, fear stepped in, and I still ended up back on the path. Which begs the question; did I ever really step off? Perhaps everything I have put myself through in the past two weeks was all for something and not for nothing. There is no light without darkness, no safety without uncertainty, and no path without chaos.
Sneaky path. Where will you take me next?
Life’s path is not straight forward. It takes you under the radar and over obstacles and straight into the dragon’s mouth -if you are willing to go there- only to find that the dragon was just shadow play made up of dust and pretty purple sparkles.
Full of loops and twists and turns, it can take you downhill with such velocity that you only understand what is happening after you have gone through the loopty-loop upside-down sections of the roller coaster- and not fallen out of your chair.
Only then do you understand why you had to climb up that giant hill in the first place.
I am on my path. After the last two weeks, there is nothing I feel more certain of. With every step, I remember that it is leading me to the next step…which is leading me to the next step.
I asked for what I wanted, fear stepped in, and I still ended up back on the path. Which begs the question; did I ever really step off? Perhaps everything I have put myself through in the past two weeks was all for something and not for nothing. There is no light without darkness, no safety without uncertainty, and no path without chaos.
Sneaky path. Where will you take me next?
The moment before:
I am feeling uneasy. Having just had a conversation with a friend that left me feeling like I had, once again, let someone down while attempting to take care of myself, I find my self writing the following words about pedestals:
I need to acknowledge my fear of losing people.
I keep them on pedestals, keeping them captive; prisoners of my love and reverence, unable to truly connect because I have not allowed them any space to be human.
On pedestals, they cannot leave. Once pedestals come down, they are free to go. And they can actually see me. And I can actually see them.
And then what will we do? What will I really think of them? And them of me? Who will stay, and who will go, and who will I want to leave?
And who are all the people here on the ground that I’m not seeing because I have been too busy looking up???
I am feeling uneasy. Having just had a conversation with a friend that left me feeling like I had, once again, let someone down while attempting to take care of myself, I find my self writing the following words about pedestals:
I need to acknowledge my fear of losing people.
I keep them on pedestals, keeping them captive; prisoners of my love and reverence, unable to truly connect because I have not allowed them any space to be human.
On pedestals, they cannot leave. Once pedestals come down, they are free to go. And they can actually see me. And I can actually see them.
And then what will we do? What will I really think of them? And them of me? Who will stay, and who will go, and who will I want to leave?
And who are all the people here on the ground that I’m not seeing because I have been too busy looking up???
the Untethering
How do I start this?
Immediately, I hear Rachael's voice;
Immediately, I hear Rachael's voice;
'let it breathe'
ok.
As a wise woman once said:
"Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..."
The night before our first session, I took some time to reflect and daydream about what might be waiting for me at the end of this rainbow...
We have six months together.
I want a lot of stuff.
My vision is clear.
As we start our first session, Rachael asks me for my intention for the hour ahead;
"It's time for me to start working again. There are a lot of options in front of me, and I am feeling confused and conflicted about what to do. Something has been telling me that after our work today, I will know the answer."
She then asks me if there is anything that I can foresee that might hold me back or get in the way of the answers I am seeking;
"Absolutely. I am realizing how attached I am to everything. To my images and ideas about how everything is suppose to look."
She inquires further:
"I am suppose to be living on my own. I am suppose to be able to look a certain way and dress a certain way that is representative of my artistic expression. I am suppose to be making a great living and cultivating my craft. Suppose to suppose to suppose to..."
Turns out I have a lot of ideas about what my life is suppose to look like right about now.
"It's time for me to start working again. There are a lot of options in front of me, and I am feeling confused and conflicted about what to do. Something has been telling me that after our work today, I will know the answer."
She then asks me if there is anything that I can foresee that might hold me back or get in the way of the answers I am seeking;
"Absolutely. I am realizing how attached I am to everything. To my images and ideas about how everything is suppose to look."
She inquires further:
"I am suppose to be living on my own. I am suppose to be able to look a certain way and dress a certain way that is representative of my artistic expression. I am suppose to be making a great living and cultivating my craft. Suppose to suppose to suppose to..."
Turns out I have a lot of ideas about what my life is suppose to look like right about now.
I am also quite familiar with the concept of 'attachment'.
Attachment to the idea of how something is suppose to look, which frequently prevents us from noticing it when it comes knocking at our castle door in the middle of the night, looking a lot like a crazy old homeless lady peddling a magical flower. We all know how the story goes...it's safe to say that a lot of time can get wasted in that process.
So as Rachael and I embark on this beautiful journey together, I have no desire to waste time. Especially when the light at the other end of the tunnel seems to be getting closer and closer, and looking a lot more like Prince Charming than a big hairy beast.
"You know Morgan," she says "your 'suppose to's' actually look a lot like the things you said you were hoping to achieve on your questionnaire..."
Intersting.
"I think we should go ahead and do some clearing (energy clearing) right away and see what's underneath all this..." and so we do.
Attachment to the idea of how something is suppose to look, which frequently prevents us from noticing it when it comes knocking at our castle door in the middle of the night, looking a lot like a crazy old homeless lady peddling a magical flower. We all know how the story goes...it's safe to say that a lot of time can get wasted in that process.
So as Rachael and I embark on this beautiful journey together, I have no desire to waste time. Especially when the light at the other end of the tunnel seems to be getting closer and closer, and looking a lot more like Prince Charming than a big hairy beast.
"You know Morgan," she says "your 'suppose to's' actually look a lot like the things you said you were hoping to achieve on your questionnaire..."
Intersting.
"I think we should go ahead and do some clearing (energy clearing) right away and see what's underneath all this..." and so we do.
| To me, reiki feels like a warm rain, slowly percolating its was through my entire body. Sensations thus far include-but are not limited to- Extreme elation-to the point of tears-, Sudden onsets of laughter and the giggles, Super deep restorative rest, Warm and assuring inner peace, and what can only be described as An open channel-head to toe- in which I can feel the entire Universe rushing through. | At first,I was speculative about receiving reiki over the phone. I was fairly certain that touch was necessary. But, as my mother reminded me, energy is everywhere and everything. You do not have to be face to face with someone to tap into their source supply. It's kind of like how you can just feel when someone you love is upset or having a bad day...that's the power of energy. |
This is the power of Rachael....
I assume my 'reiki ready' position; lying flat on my bed-curtains drawn-under the warmth of my down comforter.
If you have ever wanted to take a quick nap and wake up feeling like you spoke with God and all of your questions have been answered (for at least a week) and simultaneously feel more rested than you do after 12 hours of sleep...reiki may be for you.
Rachael begins..."talk to you in a few"...and I can feel the effects immediately.
First, my throat starts to warm. Then, a tingling sensation runs all across my collar bones and around my neck and shoulders (where I hold a lot of pent up energy; words which have yet to be spoken, truths to be shared etc.), and I feel myself take a deep breath. That first one is always the best, because it is inevitably the deepest and most un-obstructed breath I have taken since my last moment of pure serenity. After that, it's anybody's guess. My throat and collarbones always seem to be a cesspool of reproached emotions, and the rest of my body becomes a Ouija board; silently asking for what it needs in a language that Rachael speaks with impeccable detail. I never quite know what to expect, but it reminds me of lying on the floor inside a sunlit room; as the sun moves, so does the heat, but you're never really sure where it's going to hit you next.
Rachael works my chakras for about ten minutes, and then we are back.
"ok Morgan, are you with me?" she asks...
"I am so here" I reply, with a great big stretch and a smile. :-)
She asks me to share with her what I saw while she was working; if anything in particular came up or caught my attention. "Absolutely" I say "I was having this vision; I saw myself standing in the middle of a dirt road -the kind you would see in an old Western movie- in a one horse town, and I am waving at friends who are coming and going. It is as if they have come to visit, and we've had a lovely time together, and now I am watching them drive away in an old blue Cadillac. I feel a bit sad, like I am missing something by not going with them or living where they live, but then I turn around and realize that my house is right there behind me, and it is -quite literally- stuffed to the gills with people and balloons and animals and confetti and everything else that I can think of to represent the love contained inside an exuberant, full, happy 'home' and I smile, and I walk towards my house."
She laughs. Rachael has the best laugh. It feels like bright rays of sun; the kind that actually make you excited to get out of bed in the morning. She loves my vision, and we discuss how it relates to how I was feeling at the start of the session; scared to lose people for the sake of no longer having as much time and energy to give to everyone, now that I am giving more to myself.
We move on to her experience. What she saw and felt in my body as she worked.
"I see you, and, it's like you're trying to move forward, but you are wearing a backpack. Now, inside of the pack are all sorts of things that you have collected over the years -people, places, experiences etc- and they are all these little gems that you want to carry around with you, so you take them in your backpack. However, on each strap of the backpack, there is a rope, and that rope is tethered to a tree. SO, while you are trying and trying and trying to move forward, you are actually tied to a tree."
Ah! This makes so much sense! I have absolutely been feeling that way in my life. Feeling like I know I am suppose to be doing something, but pretty sure that it is actually in a completely different direction than I have ever gone before. As in, it's actually behind me, and I have been walking the wrong way.
"So, as I kept working, it was as if you realized that you were stuck. So, you backed up, took off the backpack, opened it up and very lovingly acknowledged each of the little gems that were inside of it, and then put them in your pocket. This sort of represents the idea that everything you need and everything you have learned is with you, inside of you always, and you don't need to keep carrying around your attachment to the person or the experience--from which you got your gems--any longer. And what is really great is that you have already taken the backpack off. We don't need to investigate how to do it now that we know what was going on, it is already done."
THAT is energy clearing, people.
I am feeling light and...breezy...and golden.
We go on to discuss my 'suppose to's'.
Now, it is important to note here that I have been hearing the little voice within continue to say to me: 'what you are looking for is right behind you' over and over again over the course of the past month. That same voice has also told me that my future husband/lover/man person is 'right outside', and has berated me with the sensation of babies and family. This all has seemed a bit crazy to me and left me wondering if an ex-boyfriend is going to show up at my door at 3am, and, in a romantic flurry, waste no time knocking me up.
And THAT is what we would call attachment to outcome -or- the way we think the thing that we keep thinking about is going to look.
My suppose to's:
I'm suppose to be writing full time.
I'm suppose to be traveling more.
I'm suppose to be ten pounds thinner and at peace with my body.
I'm suppose to be living on my own and know how to cook a lot of cool shit.
I'm suppose to have an office and a staff.
I'm suppose to be collaborating.
I'm suppose to be creating.
I'm suppose to be making great money.
I'm suppose to be able to fly my parents out to visit.
I'm suppose to be working with my children's charity.
I'm suppose to volunteering.
I'm suppose to have a dog and a life and a wardrobe that i LOVE.
...the list goes on...
"You know what's funny about your list Morgan? Is that, it's not like any of it is totally out of alignment. It's not like you are a Wall Street broker who really wants to be working as an elephant trainer, but feels like she has to work on Wall Street because her mother/father/brother/teacher/whomever told her that she was SUPPOSE to. Actually, your 'suppose-to' list is pretty much the same as your 'what-I-want-my-life-to-look-like-six-months-from-now' list.
If you have ever wanted to take a quick nap and wake up feeling like you spoke with God and all of your questions have been answered (for at least a week) and simultaneously feel more rested than you do after 12 hours of sleep...reiki may be for you.
Rachael begins..."talk to you in a few"...and I can feel the effects immediately.
First, my throat starts to warm. Then, a tingling sensation runs all across my collar bones and around my neck and shoulders (where I hold a lot of pent up energy; words which have yet to be spoken, truths to be shared etc.), and I feel myself take a deep breath. That first one is always the best, because it is inevitably the deepest and most un-obstructed breath I have taken since my last moment of pure serenity. After that, it's anybody's guess. My throat and collarbones always seem to be a cesspool of reproached emotions, and the rest of my body becomes a Ouija board; silently asking for what it needs in a language that Rachael speaks with impeccable detail. I never quite know what to expect, but it reminds me of lying on the floor inside a sunlit room; as the sun moves, so does the heat, but you're never really sure where it's going to hit you next.
Rachael works my chakras for about ten minutes, and then we are back.
"ok Morgan, are you with me?" she asks...
"I am so here" I reply, with a great big stretch and a smile. :-)
She asks me to share with her what I saw while she was working; if anything in particular came up or caught my attention. "Absolutely" I say "I was having this vision; I saw myself standing in the middle of a dirt road -the kind you would see in an old Western movie- in a one horse town, and I am waving at friends who are coming and going. It is as if they have come to visit, and we've had a lovely time together, and now I am watching them drive away in an old blue Cadillac. I feel a bit sad, like I am missing something by not going with them or living where they live, but then I turn around and realize that my house is right there behind me, and it is -quite literally- stuffed to the gills with people and balloons and animals and confetti and everything else that I can think of to represent the love contained inside an exuberant, full, happy 'home' and I smile, and I walk towards my house."
She laughs. Rachael has the best laugh. It feels like bright rays of sun; the kind that actually make you excited to get out of bed in the morning. She loves my vision, and we discuss how it relates to how I was feeling at the start of the session; scared to lose people for the sake of no longer having as much time and energy to give to everyone, now that I am giving more to myself.
We move on to her experience. What she saw and felt in my body as she worked.
"I see you, and, it's like you're trying to move forward, but you are wearing a backpack. Now, inside of the pack are all sorts of things that you have collected over the years -people, places, experiences etc- and they are all these little gems that you want to carry around with you, so you take them in your backpack. However, on each strap of the backpack, there is a rope, and that rope is tethered to a tree. SO, while you are trying and trying and trying to move forward, you are actually tied to a tree."
Ah! This makes so much sense! I have absolutely been feeling that way in my life. Feeling like I know I am suppose to be doing something, but pretty sure that it is actually in a completely different direction than I have ever gone before. As in, it's actually behind me, and I have been walking the wrong way.
"So, as I kept working, it was as if you realized that you were stuck. So, you backed up, took off the backpack, opened it up and very lovingly acknowledged each of the little gems that were inside of it, and then put them in your pocket. This sort of represents the idea that everything you need and everything you have learned is with you, inside of you always, and you don't need to keep carrying around your attachment to the person or the experience--from which you got your gems--any longer. And what is really great is that you have already taken the backpack off. We don't need to investigate how to do it now that we know what was going on, it is already done."
THAT is energy clearing, people.
I am feeling light and...breezy...and golden.
We go on to discuss my 'suppose to's'.
Now, it is important to note here that I have been hearing the little voice within continue to say to me: 'what you are looking for is right behind you' over and over again over the course of the past month. That same voice has also told me that my future husband/lover/man person is 'right outside', and has berated me with the sensation of babies and family. This all has seemed a bit crazy to me and left me wondering if an ex-boyfriend is going to show up at my door at 3am, and, in a romantic flurry, waste no time knocking me up.
And THAT is what we would call attachment to outcome -or- the way we think the thing that we keep thinking about is going to look.
My suppose to's:
I'm suppose to be writing full time.
I'm suppose to be traveling more.
I'm suppose to be ten pounds thinner and at peace with my body.
I'm suppose to be living on my own and know how to cook a lot of cool shit.
I'm suppose to have an office and a staff.
I'm suppose to be collaborating.
I'm suppose to be creating.
I'm suppose to be making great money.
I'm suppose to be able to fly my parents out to visit.
I'm suppose to be working with my children's charity.
I'm suppose to volunteering.
I'm suppose to have a dog and a life and a wardrobe that i LOVE.
...the list goes on...
"You know what's funny about your list Morgan? Is that, it's not like any of it is totally out of alignment. It's not like you are a Wall Street broker who really wants to be working as an elephant trainer, but feels like she has to work on Wall Street because her mother/father/brother/teacher/whomever told her that she was SUPPOSE to. Actually, your 'suppose-to' list is pretty much the same as your 'what-I-want-my-life-to-look-like-six-months-from-now' list.
| And as she speaks, I feel the energy turning inside me, just like you would turn around to see what kept distracting you from behind... |
Aaaaaaaaaaaand.......... | WHAM |
like a SHOT...
Like a GIANT light switch had JUST been turned on...
I could see it;
"Everything that you want is right behind you..."
"Put down your shield and walk the other way..."
"...Right outside..."
"Tethered, needing only to back up and untie myself to be free..."
IT'S ALL THERE!
IT'S ALL WITH ME!
ALREADY INSIDE OF ME!
I HAVE KNOWN WHAT I WANTED ALL ALONG...
I was just approaching it from the wrong direction.
Oh. My. God.
Oh. My. God.
"WOAH" Rachael says "What just happened? I felt that! Like little daggers of light just started hitting me..."
I tell her what I have just seen. Like a giant light switch. A miraculous shift in perception. Everything that I have wanted, and everything that I have been pursuing, has also been pursing me. It has been with me, parading around me in the wrong tense, attempting to get my attention by weaseling it's way into my desires, and waiting for me to turn around and see it.
I do not know at what point I started to feel like I missed the boat on desire. At some point, I decided that if I had not accomplished my dreams by a certain age, then it was lights out on that particular set of hopes and wishes. And while it would be nice to know, it certainly will not change what I have seen. And I have seen it all. My hearts desire. Not looking like what I thought it would. Not a carrot dangled on a string in front of me, only to be reached if I could run faster/harder/longer than anyone else. But inside of me. Within me. Behind me in the sphere. Things I already knew about myself, but had taken for granted because they seemed too obvious or too easy.
For years I have loved to write and create. The most fulfilling moments of my life have been in the creation of service to others. And yet, I was certain that I needed to look outside of myself for my truth. So certain, that in the little moments of discovery, I was quick to give my truth away to others, trusting them with it more than I trusted myself. And then I placed those people high atop giant pedestals -like fragile antiques on a tall shelf- where I could not see them and they could not see me, and the taller the shelves got; the less light that got through; the further and further from my truth I became. Tethered to each pedestal I erected. Keeping me grounded, and unable to find the light of day.
I tell her what I have just seen. Like a giant light switch. A miraculous shift in perception. Everything that I have wanted, and everything that I have been pursuing, has also been pursing me. It has been with me, parading around me in the wrong tense, attempting to get my attention by weaseling it's way into my desires, and waiting for me to turn around and see it.
I do not know at what point I started to feel like I missed the boat on desire. At some point, I decided that if I had not accomplished my dreams by a certain age, then it was lights out on that particular set of hopes and wishes. And while it would be nice to know, it certainly will not change what I have seen. And I have seen it all. My hearts desire. Not looking like what I thought it would. Not a carrot dangled on a string in front of me, only to be reached if I could run faster/harder/longer than anyone else. But inside of me. Within me. Behind me in the sphere. Things I already knew about myself, but had taken for granted because they seemed too obvious or too easy.
For years I have loved to write and create. The most fulfilling moments of my life have been in the creation of service to others. And yet, I was certain that I needed to look outside of myself for my truth. So certain, that in the little moments of discovery, I was quick to give my truth away to others, trusting them with it more than I trusted myself. And then I placed those people high atop giant pedestals -like fragile antiques on a tall shelf- where I could not see them and they could not see me, and the taller the shelves got; the less light that got through; the further and further from my truth I became. Tethered to each pedestal I erected. Keeping me grounded, and unable to find the light of day.
It's right behind you...
Rachael un-tethered me.
My energy was stuck, as was my mind, swirling around in the confines of an ancient set of personal beliefs. Now I see that I need look no further than myself for answers. I have always believed this, but now I SEE it. The lights are ON, and the shadows that used to scare me are being replaced by my familiarity with beautiful sculptures- the same sculptures that cast the shadows in the first place.
At the beginning of the session, my job hunt looked like a lot of different things. I knew that I wanted a position in which I could maintain my emotional and mental energies, so that they may be used for writing and creating. I wanted to serve a cause that revolves around unity and connections, and I wanted to make a great big fat paycheck.
By the end of the session, this looked like finding a wonderful family for whom to serve as an adventurous and well dressed nanny. One who gets to write when the kid is down for a nap, and finds new inspiration and ideas for her work in the places and stories that she shares with her new pal. (Perhaps the child that the little voice has been badgering me about.)
The little voice didn't say it would be MY child, it just kept saying 'child'.
By the end of the session, this looked like finding a wonderful family for whom to serve as an adventurous and well dressed nanny. One who gets to write when the kid is down for a nap, and finds new inspiration and ideas for her work in the places and stories that she shares with her new pal. (Perhaps the child that the little voice has been badgering me about.)
The little voice didn't say it would be MY child, it just kept saying 'child'.
(I also know exactly what I want to move towards over the next six months of my life -what I want to create- with more clarity that I have ever known I could have.)
"Yea" Rachael says, "that has a lot of good energy around it."
Sweet.
Sweet.
Today is Thursday.
Tomorrow and Monday I have interviews with a variety of high profile New York families, who are seeking a nanny just like me.
Me.
They are seeking ME.
What we are seeking is seeking us.
Life is fabulous, and I am excited to make a gazillion dollars taking care of someone else's child, and writing a best seller about it. I will need suggestions for the book title as The Nanny Diaries is already taken.
I know what I want, I know where I'm going, and I know where the light switch is.
One hour with Rachael--quite literally--turned my life around.
Tomorrow and Monday I have interviews with a variety of high profile New York families, who are seeking a nanny just like me.
Me.
They are seeking ME.
What we are seeking is seeking us.
Life is fabulous, and I am excited to make a gazillion dollars taking care of someone else's child, and writing a best seller about it. I will need suggestions for the book title as The Nanny Diaries is already taken.
I know what I want, I know where I'm going, and I know where the light switch is.
One hour with Rachael--quite literally--turned my life around.
Stay tuned for week TWO!!!
In the summer of 2016, I had the pleasure of working with Rachael Ferrera of Centered-Truth Energy Healing in an introductory session that opened my eyes and my mind to the healing powers of Reiki. At the time, I was employed as a Company Member for Stages St. Louis in their 2016 summer season; a celebrated achievement. I was also burnt out, a total insomniac, and had no clue what was happening in my body. At the close of our first session, it was obvious that working with Rachael was something that needed to happen. At that time however, I was completely out of 'emotional fuel', and Rachael-receptive as she is- supported me in my choice to wait until the time was right to work together.
cut to spring 2017
In a move based entirely on intuition, I relocated to New York City from St. Louis, MO where I had resided for the previous three years (minus some prolonged stays with my parents in NM to help out around the farm- i.e.; work to heal whatever was shredding my happiness) where I once again had the opportunity to work with Rachael in a well timed and incredibly necessary second session. At this point, we knew it was time.
Our second session shed so much light on my move to NYC and the power of internal guidance, I was positive that the time had come to pursue the next best steps along my journey.
This is one of those steps.
Our second session shed so much light on my move to NYC and the power of internal guidance, I was positive that the time had come to pursue the next best steps along my journey.
This is one of those steps.
the blog
The following blog is a collaboration between Rachael Ferrera of
Centered-Truth Energy Healing
(also my personal Reiki practitioner/intuitive coach),
and myself; the recipient of awesomeness.
Centered-Truth Energy Healing
(also my personal Reiki practitioner/intuitive coach),
and myself; the recipient of awesomeness.
If you have ever been curious about Reiki healing or energy clearing, but felt uncertain of the process or benefits, this blog is for you. If you are looking for first hand accounts of overcoming personal challenges and the transformation that follows, this blog is for you. If you just want to know that you are not alone in the world and all the craziness that ensues, then this blog is for you.
For the next six months, Rachael and I will meet bi-weekly, and exchange an email or two in-between sessions. This blog will be an intimate account of our work together, my personal experiences and discoveries, Rachael's wisdom, and all relevant happenings that occur throughout the course of it all.
It is my hope that in sharing my personal journey with you, kind reader, I will be working to serve my mission:
For the next six months, Rachael and I will meet bi-weekly, and exchange an email or two in-between sessions. This blog will be an intimate account of our work together, my personal experiences and discoveries, Rachael's wisdom, and all relevant happenings that occur throughout the course of it all.
It is my hope that in sharing my personal journey with you, kind reader, I will be working to serve my mission:
Eradicate Loneliness, Isolation and Dis-connection.
...and the world at large.
Healing is for everyone.
Rachael and I both believe this.
May my healing bring light to your own.
Healing is for everyone.
Rachael and I both believe this.
May my healing bring light to your own.
What is Reiki?
Reiki is a gentle yet powerful healing technique that is used to clear energy blockages in order to bring the body back to its natural state of complete health. This holistic system treats the root cause of issues in the body, mind, emotions, and spirit, while creating an unparalleled sense of peace and relaxation. It can also be used to create direction, momentum, and transformation in personal life, spiritual life, and career. Reiki can be used when people desire:
Rachael is available for distance healing sessions to work with people anywhere in the world!
Reiki is a gentle yet powerful healing technique that is used to clear energy blockages in order to bring the body back to its natural state of complete health. This holistic system treats the root cause of issues in the body, mind, emotions, and spirit, while creating an unparalleled sense of peace and relaxation. It can also be used to create direction, momentum, and transformation in personal life, spiritual life, and career. Reiki can be used when people desire:
- Reduced stress
- Relaxation
- Mental clarity
- Emotional balance
- Improved relationships
- Greater confidence and self-worth
- Treatment for depression and/or anxiety
- Comfort during trauma, loss, or grief
- Ease and/or elimination of chronic physical pain
- Increased speed healing injuries
- Improved Immunity & General Wellness
- Better quality sleep
- And much more!
Rachael is available for distance healing sessions to work with people anywhere in the world!
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