From Death, looking backwards

courage vs. responsibility

My girlfriend Sara-hey girl- and I got into quite a discussion last night; 
On your death bed, looking back, what do you want it to look like?
This sweet women lost her mother recently after many years of surviving cancer.  In one month, my friend Sara uprooted her whole life, moved across the country for a new job, lost her mother a week later, and then had to 'celebrate' Christmas.  Fearlessly, she dove into her work a few short days later, and has been talking and processing the meaning of it all ever since.  I am lucky to be her frequent listening and debate partner, discussing everything from 'how her mother's body was used in the name of science', to the pain of acknowledging that there are going to be a litany of moments throughout her life in which she will long for her mothers presence, either to be saddened by the lack of it, or in which she will chose to believe in what she cannot see; that her mother IS, indeed, always with her.​

This got me thinking a lot about what we cannot see, and the audacity to believe in that which is beyond our control.

I am currently in the market for new employment.  I say 'employment' because, while it may prove to be necessary that a JOB is what I end up getting, I am not in the market for a job.  A position which one acquires to survive.  I am in the market for a way to make a living that feels good in my soul.  This could look like a lot of different things, but it does not look like performing tasks that make my chest collapse.  Which surprisingly enough, at the moment, means that it also does not look like performing 8 shows a week.  Let me stop right here and declare that I am not trying to be so bold as to proclaim it to be that easy; that if I wanted to just 'book a gig' that THAT is what would happen.  I mean, it COULD happen-it's happened before- but it has happened when my heart's desire was wrapped up in that very thing, and currently, it is not.  Which leaves a whole lot of open space in my life.

IF ALL OF YOUR ENERGY IS NO LONGER CONSUMED BY THE THING THAT FORMERLY CONSUMED ALL OF YOUR ENERGY, WHERE DOES IT GO?

...wherever you want it, I guess?
But it still leaves the question; what do you want?  What is your heart's desire today, and what do you want to do with it?

As Sara-hey girl- and I were talking last night, she shared with me a story about her mother, who-towards the end of her life-was able to look back and ponder why she worried so much about things she couldn't see, and why it was so hard to see what was right in front of her...what was it all for?  What IS it all for?  The worry and self doubt, the fear and trepidation...if in the end, life is going to leave us anyway, then what the hell are we so scared of?

In the end, looking backwards, what do you really want your journey to have looked like?

As I 'look' for a new job, for new employment, I find myself meeting incredible resistance of my own making.  Deciding what will or will not feel good based on past experiences.  Deciding what does and does not mean something about me; to be a 32 year old ________________.  Asking for what I believe I want at this time - a great paying single family afternoon nanny position- and finding that the more I pray and visualize and ask the Heavens to make my way as clear as possible, I am also continually re-affirming the fact that I do not have it yet.  That it has yet to arrive, and therefor I need to keep asking. 
​When I look into my heart, I know.  I know that everything is ok.  That I have not crashed and burned yet, and that even if I did, I have places to go and the ability to pick myself back up.
But when I look into my heart, I also see that it is asking me to have faith.  Tremendous faith.  Faith beyond anything I have ever even begun to surmise as an option.

is faith an option?

I am doing what I know how to do; sending resumes, going to interviews, the whole kit and caboodle.  However, there is something telling me that I am pushing too hard.  That I was on the 'right path' when I was following the passions of my heart, and trusting that it would all come together, because it ALWAYS has.  That when I am able to trust and surrender to what is in my guts, that the truth is always clear to me.  Sometimes, this means coming face to face with a truth that I DESPERATELY do not want to see.  Sometimes, it has meant accepting a new reality.  Right now, it seems to mean moving forward in the direction of my dreams, and trusting that the Universe has my back.  Doing what I know how to do, all the while secretly knowing that it absolutely does not matter because what I asked for has already been granted- I just can't see it yet.  

I can spend my time rejecting reality, or I can accept it.  
At the moment, I am unemployed.  
I would like to be employed.  
I would like to make $1200 a week.  At least.  (I live in NYC, this is absolutely an option).  
And I would like to be doing something that feels expansive in my heart.
And none of those things have manifested YET...but the seed is planted.  And it will not grow if I continue to dig it up just to make sure that it is still in the ground.  

In the end, I want to have lived a life of faith.  I want to be living proof that God is and always was on my side, and that I lived a freer and more joyful life because of that fact.  I want to know that I spent my time and energy loving people and doing good things for the world, and that I was not held back by fear and always 'waiting' to move forward until I knew it was safe to do so.
I want to be able to tell my grandchildren, with every ounce of my being, that FAITH is a viable option.  That is it available to us in every moment, of every hour of every day.
That we are not crazy to call upon it, and that we are sure to go crazy if we do not.

We are not in this alone. In that, I have faith.

What do you have faith in?

I would love to know more about a moment in which you utilized your own faith, and how it turned out!!!  Please share your story below or feel free to contact me and share privately. 
Every story is inspiring and deserves a voice.