My current state of being without much explanation:
I am messy and ungrounded. I am at a loss. Everything is out of my body and up in the air, which is a wild feeling. Mostly, I feel like I am reaching for something to grab onto, but when I can let myself breathe into the madness of it all…it is kind of exhilarating. I am scared of all the unknowns and scared to rest. Scared to take the summer off from really trying to DO anything major with my life for fear that if I stop pushing, life will stop happening.
So, I’m back in New York for the third time in my life; a place that hastraditionally been all about Broadway. As in; Broadway or bust/Broadway is the only reason I’m here/once I get on Broadway, I will be free to leave/happy/fulfilled…
I haven’t been to an audition in probably a month.
I haven’t exercised in just as long.
I am working as a receptionist and part-time nanny.
I feel totally confused and afraid not to care or worry.
I feel reeeeeally tired.
I feel like I got back to NYC and picked up right where I left off as a 27 year old and am now, once again, swimming through a crater sized lagoon of my old pit-falls;
I am not _________ enough.
I should just _________ so that I can be enough.
Hopefully, once I have/do/become _________, I will be enough...
Rachel mentioned in our first session
that this work is kind of like cleaning out your closet; for most people, cleaning out their closet involves pulling everything out, deciding what you want to keep, placing it back into the closet in a nice, neat fashion, and ditching the rest.
As soon as I closed my eyes, I felt energy shooting down my legs. In my head I saw swirls of sparkles -like the kind left behind by a sparkler on the 4th of July after you've written your name in the air- they wrapped my legs and sent me shooting into space. I saw myself, a human rocket, soaring into the great beyond with nothing but the flames shooting out of my feet to send me forward.
I do not need to choose.
I can continue to do what feels good and trust that it will lead me to where I need to go. I just need to be myself, and take inspired action when inspiration strikes.
This blog is one such action.
Saying 'yes' to things that don't feel bad is another.
Follow the signs.
Trust the instincts.
Listen to your heart and let it feel good in the moment without worrying about a future moment in which it might not feel as good.
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To me, reiki feels like a warm rain, slowly percolating its was through my entire body. Sensations thus far include-but are not limited to- Extreme elation-to the point of tears-, Sudden onsets of laughter and the giggles, Super deep restorative rest, Warm and assuring inner peace, and what can only be described as An open channel-head to toe- in which I can feel the entire Universe rushing through.
At first,I was speculative about receiving reiki over the phone. I was fairly certain that touch was necessary. But, as my mother reminded me, energy is everywhere and everything. You do not have to be face to face with someone to tap into their source supply. It's kind of like how you can just feel when someone you love is upset or having a bad day...that's the power of energy.
And as she speaks, I feel the energy turning inside me, just like you would turn around to
see what kept distracting you from behind...